Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

"That is soooooo Passive Aggressive!!!" I don't know about you, but I have heard that so many times. Often people merely mean to say that a person's actions may seem nice or cooperative on the surface, but those actions truly make others feel like crap. Sometimes people call someone passive aggressive just because they are angry about someone being nice when they themselves think the situation is not really so nice. To psychologists, however, the term means quite a bit more. In fact, there is a whole personality designation, or diagnosis, that goes along with the term.

Behaviors indicative of passive aggressive personality at a clinical level include being argumentative yet avoiding confrontation, having difficulty with authority, having difficulty finishing things, being lazy, and fearing the judgment of others. At the core of being passive aggressive is a conflict between feeling good about oneself (and sometimes exaggeratedly great), while simultaneously feeling as though it is a must to please others. Because the Passive Aggressive feels the need to please others, they also perceive themselves to be constantly doing for others and rarely getting anything in return. They perceive others as controlling them because they feel they have to do what is asked of them. The life of the Passive Aggressive Personality is constantly filled with depleting disappointment as they perceive the world to be unfair and and unjust.

The typical Passive Aggressive appears to be very pleasant and mild-mannered, but is generally filled with resentment. They lack assertiveness, not because they don't think they are deserving, but because they are mortally fearful of others' disappointment or anger. Although they love to take the devil's advocate position in debates and often hone their arguments fastidiously, they can't stand competition of any kind if they think anyone's feelings might get hurt. They are perceived as lazy largely because, in trying to please, they agree to do things but rarely follow through because they don't like being told what to do. They are especially sensitive to judgment in others, not just because they feel it is wrong, but because their lack of assertiveness leads to constant misunderstandings and misjudgments. In short, the Passive Aggressive very rarely gets what they want because they are afraid of hurting or disappointing others if they say what they want. Although they want to succeed and achieve, their inability to compete and their inability to respect authority combine to make success, or any kind of finishing, impossible. The Passive Aggressive feels cheated by life, but because of their self-perception, and the behavior associated with that self-perception, they actually cheat themselves. Because they rarely get what they want and fail to achieve, the Passive Aggressive is typically either depressed or headed for inevitable depression.

The development of the Passive Aggressive Personality can be delineated through a few common factors. The Passive Aggressive's response to their environment, in fact, often makes perfect sense given what they have experienced as children. In the family that will spawn the Passive Aggressive, there is typically a great deal of drama and judgmental behavior. As a young child, the Passive Aggressive quickly learns that, although they are loved, at least one of their parents, and possibly others in the family, are quick to anger or disappointment when independent thoughts are expressed or when independent action is taken. In fact, at least one of the parents is extremely difficult to please and often wants all the attention the family has to offer. A parent of the Passive Aggressive does not like to be challenged and needs others to find them fascinating and exciting. Thus, the Passive Aggressive learns that their feelings are unimportant, or at the least, must be put on hold till the needs of others are addressed. It is interesting, however, that the Passive Aggressive does seem to feel loved...

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