Did you know that emotions take up space as well as time and energy? Have you ever noticed that emotions can crowd a room, or that when one person is very emotional others tend to tone their emotions down (except in mass hysteria where a competition for emotional prominence ensues). When one person is having great difficulty, others tend to come to their aid. Others get out of the way when another person is being especially aggressive or obnoxious. When the parents in a family tend to fight, the first reaction of young children is to be as good as possible with hope that their parents will fight less. When someone is expressing intense emotion, that expression is generally dealt with immediately. Intense emotion tends to take precedence over everything else that is currently happening.
The concept of "emotional space" is little known, but it helps explain why even some healthy people can find themselves in difficult situations with emotionally unhealthy people. It is important to realize, of course, that there are appropriate times for emotions to be expressed. If a mentally healthy person really gets upset, they typically should express the feeling to someone at some time. Also, the less controlled expression of emotions is expected from children. The younger a child is, the more desperately they perceive their emotions, and thus the more desperately, immediately, and dramatically they will express those emotions. A serious problem often develops, however, when people take up too much "emotional space" even though it is not developmentally appropriate.
This problem is most difficult to understand when the person who is emoting too intensely is engaging with someone who really has no problem handling their own emotions. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as being too emotionally controlled. What I mean by this, however, is not that the emotionally controlled person has reached a perfect balance in life. Quite to the contrary, the problem here is that such a person has not learned to balance the overwhelming amount of love, luck, and good discipline they have experienced in their lives with the idea that others should not be allowed to take advantage of them or treat them badly. It is also often the case that a person develops emotional control because they have been exposed to extremely damaging emotional expression in their childhoods and have vowed to themselves to control their own emotions no matter what. Unfortunately, whether due to good fortune or bad, often the emotionally controlled person will allow others to hurt them, or not take them seriously, because they do have the inner strength to maintain their self-esteem or composure in spite of maltreatment.
It is necessary to make a side point here in differentiating the emotionally controlled person from other persons who have greater difficulties. There are many people who allow others to treat them poorly for reasons that are quite different than having the strength to maintain control. A person can allow others to treat them poorly because they are desperate for approval and love, and will cling to others no matter how badly they are treated. But the emotionally controlled person rarely stays in a bad relationship for too long. Although such a person might not be direct in handling a conflict, behavior aimed at them that is abusive is so inconsistent with how they see themselves that they will often find a way out of relationships that do not fit them. They will rarely stay in a relationship if someone is not treating them in a positive way that is consistent with what they know they deserve.
There is one caveat to that suggestion, however, and this phenomenon is essential to understanding many family situations. What happens when an emotionally controlled person has children? It is a common occurrence for such a person to meet another person, a spouse, with similar strength. That is, of course, the emotionally controlled person feels good when with someone who is used to being treated well, has received good and fair discipline, and thus treats others well as would be expected given their background and experience. When the emotionally controlled couple have children, however, problems can arise because they provide too much "emotional space" for their children. There can be a tendency to allow too much attitude, anger, or neediness without requiring equal amounts of discipline and responsibility since, as a parent, the emotionally controlled person has the mental and emotional strength to absorb quite a bit without it causing too much impact. No matter how their kids act, the emotionally controlled person is quite capable of dealing with that behavior without getting too upset. Unfortunately, when such a parent does absorb all that emotional intensity without getting upset, the child does not benefit from having to take responsibility for his or her effect on the parents. He is given too much "emotional space" and thus has too much room to act out (angry or irrational or spoiled).
The "only child" is often the worst case scenario. Only children (especially when they have two parents within an intact marriage) have parents who are capable of responding to their every protest, distress, or displeasure. If those parents are relatively mentally healthy, and generally emotionally controlled, then the emotional space they provide is often almost endless. It is only natural to love one's children and to do whatever one can for one's children. When we have only one child we are able to do too much, and we often do. Exacerbating the accessibility and willingness of such parents is the fact that the only child does not have to share their parents, or anything else for that matter, with a sibling or siblings. Only children often never learn to control their emotions or needs because there has never in their lives been a need to do so.
The essential element here is that people need to learn how to accommodate their behavior to the needs of others and to take responsibility for the effect of their emotions on others. When others are too accommodating to them, they never learn. Sometimes, when a person has never learned such accommodation, they become very aggressive and they will even tend to get their way. The problem with that is, of course, that if they are always getting their way they will never truly develop any intimacy with others. Consequently, although they might seem to be in almost complete control within the many interpersonal involvements they develop, they will often end up lonely and isolated because no one has ever really grown close to them.
Emotional control is a necessary and important aspect of living, but there is such a thing as controlling yourself too much. You cannot afford to let anyone close to you treat you less than respectfully, even if you are strong enough to handle your emotions in the face of that treatment. If it is someone who is supposed to be your equal, they need to know their behavior is unacceptable and that, if it continues, they will have to deal with the consequences. That is, you will leave.
If the offender is a child, there are consequences for them, as well. For children, the consequence of less than respectful and appreciative behavior, let alone aggressive behavior, should be that they have to deal with your feelings, either hurt or anger (if you get angry too frequently, however, then you yourself will be guilty of taking up too much emotional space). If your children truly care about you, which almost all children do, they will not feel comfortable when you really show your feelings (please see article, Communication From the Heart). If you bring up your real feelings, you are taking up the emotional space that they will take if you do not. You will be taking up the emotional space that is rightly yours.
In many circumstances, it is also essential that children receive appropriate consequences for their behavior. With the caring child, when the disrespect is minor, it is often enough to simply let them know you're hurt. If such a statement is taken seriously, and is not overwhelming to the child, nothing more will be required. In many cases, however, a consequence helps the situation in two ways. First of all, it is obvious that consequences are typically meted out for the purpose of making the child take things seriously. That is a great benefit in itself. Where the parent is able to express their feelings appropriately about a particular infraction, and the child feels badly, giving a consequence has an added benefit. A child will often actually feel less guilty, but still be serious about what they have done, when they are given the chance to compensate by redeeming themselves. In that vein, the very best consequences are those that will be helpful to the wronged party so it feels to the child as though the consequence has partially repaired the damage.
The concept of emotional space is essential for understanding how we all balance our emotions within families and even in other organizations. In any normal family, while children might be of utmost importance to parents, it is fundamental that parents occupy the greatest amount of emotional space. Parents lead and children follow. Thus, even when parents do everything they can to ensure the health, well-being, and future accomplishments of their children, they also must set the stage and structure for the family, and the children must fit themselves to that structure. When parents take their own feelings and needs seriously, children have to do so as well. Since the number one concern of most parents is that their children lead healthy, successful lives, the leadership and structure (emotional space) set by parents has an excellent chance of leading to a healthy family structure overall.
Likewise, even in non-family situations, it is central to your own mental health that you set the structure of your own life. You must set the tone for others to take you seriously about your preferences, desires, irritations, and hurts. (Please see article, Assertiveness: the 30% Solution). So, be good to yourself. Take up the emotional space you deserve, and do not let anyone intrude without some kind of response, even if your reaction need only be minimal. If someone is hurting you to the point that you cannot be with them any longer, or if you need to show that you absolutely will not tolerate their behavior, then anger is likely the most appropriate response. In most circumstances, however, if the person is one with whom you want to be closer, or if that person is a child, it is important to let them know that you are hurt or disappointed and make sure they have to deal with some real consequences. You are the master and architect of your own existence. You need only be confident that you deserve an equal share of the existing emotional space in your life.
