Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

All addictions, those involving substances, of course, but also those involving food, shopping, or any other compulsive behavior, involve an unmet emotional hunger or need, and a desire to have some kind of control over that need - without relying on others. People who are prone to addiction often use the addiction to either fill themselves up or to calm themselves down (which can be excitement or relaxation or euphoric feelings). A feeling of unmet need, or difficulty in calming down, typically involves incomplete development stemming from unmet needs in childhood, but is also genetic – that is, one can be born with greater intensity, more anger, more emotional hunger, and/or more anxiety. The power of unmet needs combines with the immediacy of, or control over, gratification, a factor that is always involved in addictions, to make addictions irresistibly compelling. Because gratification is relatively instant, the addict internalizes the illusion that they can control gratification of unmet needs without involved human relationships. That is, the addict has the power to secure and use the addictive substance or activity, and solve their unmet human needs, without other people. It is this illusion that makes addiction so difficult to overcome. The unmet needs that are meant to be solved within relationships are solved by the addict without involving the unpredictable nature of other people. If other people could be trusted to be perfectly responsive and always positive, then addictions would hold no sway whatsoever. However, no person can possibly be as predictable as the object of addiction in the addict's own hands. The addict's illusion, unfortunately, always gives way to the reality that people and real relationships are necessary, as the object of addiction inevitably consumes the addict's life.