One ugly truth about the human condition is that bad experiences lead to more bad experiences. It's so unfair, but when you observe the world, this simple truth cannot be denied. Although some people born into poverty, neglect or abuse (we can call them "Troubled Past" individuals for short) turn things around and find their way into mental health and success-filled lives (we can call these rare people "Good Future" individuals), the odds are certainly stacked against them. The lives of Troubled Past individuals have trained them well to be untrusting, hyper-vigilant, and emotionally reactionary in order to protect themselves. But trust, freedom of thought, and freedom within interaction, all traits that run counter to the exaggerated self-protectiveness that develops in Troubled Past individuals, are necessary in forging successful relationships with others. Without successful relationships, it is impossible for Troubled Past individuals to create happy, fulfilling lives. There are ways around this dilemma. The key to stopping this cycle is in becoming a person who views the world and relationships through the lens of endless possibilities, like a Good Future individual. The question then becomes, how can a Troubled Past individual become a Good Future individual?
Let us start by examining the traits of Good Future and Troubled Past types. A person with a good past (we can call them "Good Past" individuals) typically becomes a person with a good future (although this is not always the case). Such a person has seen and experienced love without too much strife. They have felt what it's like to have someone care for them and about them. Because of how they've been treated in the past, they expect similar treatment in the future. They have typically had some bad treatment and conflict as well, but not in great abundance. The ill-treatment they have experienced has been ameliorated by positive treatment. Many of the conflicts within which they have been embroiled have resolved. Thus, while they remain open to possibilities within relationships, they are watchful early on, and they develop trust slowly because they know they deserve good treatment. When they trust fully, but become dissatisfied or get hurt, they fall back on their own resources of positive self-esteem (a confidence in their own worth that has been proven to them through past experience) to find help in either working out the issues of disappointment or knowing when to move on. They are able to trust others, as well as themselves, and they understand that there is good and bad in the world that requires management, mediation, and constant adjustment. Overall, and most importantly, they have developed faith that things will work out, at least most of the time.
In contrast, when we examine the Troubled Past individual, we typically see someone who expects things to go badly. Why would the Troubled Past person think things are going to go well? That would be foolish, wouldn't it? Such an individual has seen people get angry easily and often. Sometimes the Troubled Past individual has been ill-treated or abused. When they've been nice to others, others have taken advantage of them. When they've behaved in irritable and angry ways, they've often avoided getting hurt. These experiences lead to two basic types of Troubled Past people. The first type is a person who never trusts anyone and must always be dominant (a "Dominant Troubled Past" individual). The second type is a person who continues to believe the goodness within them will eventually lead to someone truly loving them even though they have rarely experienced that love (a "Troubled Past Believer").
Troubled Past individuals of the Dominant type have learned they should not trust anyone. When they meet people, they look for the angle. They need to make sure they remain in control of their situation and typically that means they will either control the other person or they will make sure they don't care about the other person (please see article, The Power and Control Addiction). Underlying their prickly and distant behavior is a feeling of being unloved and unlovable in a cold, harsh world. This feeling of being unlovable in a lonely, frigid world can never resolve because their behavior precludes the possibility of someone becoming close and showing them love or warmth. To the Dominant Troubled Past individual, it seems every interpersonal eventuality includes people competing for limited resources and cheating each other to get what is needed. There is no freedom of thought. There are only winners and losers, dominants and submissives, those in control and those who are weak. The self-esteem of the Dominant Troubled Past individual is typically based on being on top of all situations, with the alternative being a complete crash into depression, anxiety, desolation, and desperation. Without dominance to make them feel adequate, they drown in fear and their own contempt for themselves. Unless somehow someone is able to get close to them, an event that is nearly impossible due to their aggressiveness and coldness in interaction, there is no way for the Dominant Troubled Past Individual to realize they can be loved and that the world is not a desolate landscape devoid of love.
Troubled Past Believers, on the other hand, often have even worse outcomes than those who are dominant. Because they believe in possibilities for life, despite repeated bad experiences, they must deny their bad experiences in wholesale fashion, as though all the harm they have endured has no effect on them. Unfortunately, in the process of denying their experience, the Troubled Past Believers remain blind to negativity in others and yet are attracted, most of the time, to only the the most negative types – that is, Troubled Past Dominants. They are most familiar with angry, irritable, dominant people, and those are the people with whom they feel most comfortable. In order to be around such people and continue to believe love is possible, they often find themselves understanding the anger and irritability the dominant types show, and use their understanding as a way to mitigate the abusiveness these dominant types spew. They tend to minimize their own legitimacy as human beings so that their own emotions need not lead them to outrage or despondency at the treatment they receive. As a result of the denial of their experience, the Troubled Past Believer's new experiences are limited to bad treatment. They do not believe they should experience anything different. They have very little self-esteem, and there is no way for any self-esteem to grow within them. Although the Troubled Past Believer often has the very worst experiences, their one saving grace is that they allow people to be close to them, making the possibility of their problems resolving much more likely. Although it is actually quite unlikely, the Troubled Past Believer need only let themselves be close to someone who does not fit their familiar experience to have a chance of overcoming their past.
The only way to resolve the dearth of emotional sustenance the Troubled Past individual experiences is for them to let someone in who then becomes trusted. Someone who loves them clearly, but who is worthy of respect and who has good boundaries, must break the Troubled Past cycle. But such a Good Future person generally cannot even be perceived. All too often, such a person is thought to be non-existent. Any person who seems to be trustworthy, thoughtful, or kind is thought to be playing a game or is thought to be a fool. The Troubled Past Dominant simply views Good Future people with contempt. The Troubled Past Believer deems themselves unworthy of a Good Future person. Yet the need for love within Troubled Past individuals lives on and constantly seeks out the possibility of recognition and comfort. Thus, occasional forays into relationships with Good Future people seem to occur, yet the awful behaviors of Troubled Past individuals typically lead to assured rejection. When these relationships go badly, that failure is used as proof by the Troubled Past individual that trustworthy, caring people truly don't exist.
In fact, the biggest problem in overcoming a Troubled Past is that Good Past individuals won't spend enough time with a Troubled Past individual to have any curative effect. The Good Past individual generally will not put up with being treated badly by Troubled Past Dominants nor are they attracted to people who have no self-respect, like Troubled Past Believers. The Troubled Past individual is constantly treating those they meet in negative ways or, alternately, act like they are unworthy of love. The irritability, anger, and need to be dominant among the Troubled Past Dominants leave no room for good feelings within the Good Past individual, who typically gets very tired of angry, manipulative, and/or impatient behavior. The enslaved attitude of the Troubled Past Believer makes the Good Past individual feel lonely or burdened as they find little of interest in a person who has no self-interest or self-development. The Good Past person can also tire from the constant need to bolster the Troubled Past Believer's confidence. People who stay with Troubled Past Dominants are generally Troubled Past Believers. They stay and allow themselves to be abused, thus reinforcing their view that the world is bad. The Troubled Past Dominant dominates people who have no self-respect and thus whose love is worthless, while the Troubled Past Believer is dominated by those who believe they are the only one's who count.
The undoing of these processes is rare, but is possible. While it is sad and frustrating that troubled pasts lead to troubled futures, there are a few ways that troubled pasts can be transformed into good futures. The very best resolution comes from amazing coincidences. Sometimes a Troubled Past individual does meet exactly the right kind of other to help them past their never-ending cycle of negative relationships. Such a phenomenon is most likely for Troubled Past Believers and is extremely rare for Troubled Past Dominants. The Believer, by believing, leaves open the possibility that a good person is out there. Sometimes Believers are unable to convince a Good Past individual of their worthlessness and, simultaneously, the Good Past individual is able to prove to the Believer that the Believer is a special and worthwhile person. Although it is, indeed, extremely rare, it is also possible for a Good Past individual to be so positive that they are able to create good boundaries with a Troubled Past Dominant who is then able to forge a trusting and positive relationship. When healthy boundaries are set with a Troubled Past Dominant the soil is readied for growth into a good future.
The only other way for Troubled Past individuals (both Dominants and Believers) to overcome their Troubled Future perspective is through psychotherapy. The psychotherapeutic relationship is carved from the combination of therapeutic distance (appointments that occur only in the office at regular appropriate intervals) that makes the therapist adequately safe, and intimacy derived from the ability to express one's true impressions, whether they be shameful, vulnerable or hostile. If the Troubled Past individual can trust and respect the therapist, then interaction between therapist and patient can be utilized to demonstrate and share the feelings engendered by the Troubled Past individual's attitudes and actions. Over time the Troubled Past individual can see the way to a Good Future with the archetypal example of positive possibilities developing from within the therapy. The relationship that develops essentially proves that a Good Future is, at least, possible. This possibility leads to less reactionary views in interaction with others, more trust in others, the ability to stay in a relationship where there is no clearly dominant member, and a desire to have vulnerable needs met by others even while others are not seen as essential to one's well-being.
While the Troubled Past/Troubled Future dilemma may be difficult to overcome, it is not an impossibility. When the frustration experienced by the Troubled Past individual becomes overwhelming, the vulnerability experienced does sometimes lead one to rely on others. Although these are typically the most painful times in a Troubled Past person's life, these times also present a rare opportunity for vulnerability to be met with appropriate boundaries and the strength within Good Future individuals who are willing to help. It is absolutely necessary that a Troubled Past individual come into true, fully related, contact with a Good Future individual if there is to be any change at all. Without such contact faith in a Good Future is stymied forever, and the cycle of Troubled Past/Troubled Future lives on in a perpetual give and take within a Troubled Future world where every negative reaction leads to more proof positive that we live in a negative world. Within a lasting relationship with a Good Future individual, however, proof of a positive world can be cultivated into a new and different cycle where perpetual growth and the nutrients of love bring light where darkness once loomed.
