When all we’ve worked hard to build seems threatened by the times, how do we keep going? How do we deal with all the stress of losing everything? A lot of folks have been asking those kinds of questions lately. We tend to like nice things and comfort. We want to know that everything is going to be okay. But sometimes it seems there just might be a chance that things won’t be okay, like we’re holding on by a thread or that the thin cracks we’ve been diligently patching might open into gaping fissures. Sometimes, it seems like the bottom might literally fall out and we’ll be left groundless, plunging into a nosedive, wildly out of control.
Perhaps in merely reading those many metaphors for these commonly felt emotions, a slight panic began to well up inside of you. In writing them, I know such feelings were not completely alien to my experience. In fact, maybe the most important thing to say in this article, before imparting any particular advice, is that no one is immune to these feelings. We work hard to have things a certain way because we want some kind of security against these feelings. But when that security is threatened, of course we get scared. It would not be normal not to be scared. Nevertheless, when things are truly out of our control there has to be something we can do. Maybe, at the very least, we can establish a particular attitude toward our circumstances that will help us get through.
Since you have likely already been inundated with ways to deal with stress, I will leave that part of this article simple. It is absolutely true that dealing with stress requires that you take good care of yourself. You need to use relaxation techniques, eat right, exercise, and balance your commitments wisely. But when things get really rough and seemingly way out of control, there is something you must do for yourself that goes well beyond balancing things in your life. You have to ask yourself the question that I call the "Big What If..."
The "Big What If..." is the question that helps you sort out things, people, and values that are really important in your life. It helps you understand what it is that you really need and what’s just fluff. It helps you understand who is truly important to you and who it is you’re trying to impress. In a way, it helps you figure out who you are and what it is about life that make life valuable to you.
The "Big What If..." you ask to yourself. In this case, the questions is, what if I lost all my worldly possessions? The "Big What If..." can also be used to help you deal with other horrifying eventualities like the possibility of becoming ill or injured or a loved one becoming ill or injured. It can even be used for worries like, "what if my spouse stops loving me?" or "what if my children stop calling?" When we’re thinking about tough economic times, however, it’s important to limit our discussion to those things that we have accomplished or built up specifically for the purpose of protecting ourselves or making our lives secure. Those other, non-economic, categories can be especially scary because they’re hardly in our control at all, but when we’re threatened with losing the things over which we did think we had control, a whole different kind of thinking is necessary.
So, what if you did lose everything you’ve worked so hard for? Imagine yourself as poor as you could possibly be. You’ll have to think about where you’ll stay and what you’ll eat. Will you even find warmth at night? How often will you be comfortable? You’ll have to think about what kind of clothes you’d wear. Will they keep you warm? Will other people like how you look? How are your kids going to take it? Will your spouse still love you?
What are some possible answers to those questions? Maybe you’ll live with family members or friends. Maybe none of them would have you. Maybe you’ll work at McDonalds. Maybe you’ll need to work two jobs. You might even have to have your kids working. Your clothes might be more comfortable but less flattering. You might find yourself burning some of your possessions for warmth. Is it possible that your spouse won’t be able to stay with you? Could your kids go live with someone else while you seek some kind of itinerant work? Maybe your kids will blame you.
The final question to be asked in all this is the most important, and it's the one that will determine whether or not the "Big What If..." works for you. The question is, if all those terrible things happen, will you be alright? Is the essential you someone who would be okay if you lost all your worldly possessions? This is a question about values. When I ask myself these questions, I don’t exactly feel comfortable. I’m not saying that it would be just great if I had nothing. I like a decent house and car. I look forward to my cup of coffee every morning. I want to have comfortable clothing. I love to give my children gifts and bring home flowers for my wife. But when I ask myself the "Big What If..." I need to recognize those things that I really prize. If I do recognize those things, maybe it’s possible to see that I do have some control over their quality, especially if I can look to the future knowing these are the things that I will really need if I do in fact lose everything.
Even if I have to live with friends, which would be embarrassing and uncomfortable, at least I can know that I’ll have friends. I know that no matter what I have to do, my wife and children will eat and be comfortable before I will allow such comforts for myself. I guess my personal value there suggests I’ll keep them around me no matter what. I’ve got a lot of cheap, washable clothes that don’t look so good, but they don’t have to go to the dry cleaner either, so maybe I’ll figure out a way to make them last. I could walk anywhere I really need to go. Right?
The answer to the "Big What If...", regardless of who you are, will always come back to the people you love. If you lose everything, what you’re really going to need is your connection to others. You’re going to need to give it, and you’re going to hope to receive it. You may look upon yourself as a "good for nothing loser," but you’ll need loved one's to see that you’re as great as you’ve ever been. Your spouse and children might get ground down in thinking about how hard life has become. They will need you to provide the comfort you have in your heart much more than any comfort you could have provided from your pocket book. Will you be alright? The answer is a resounding "yes," if you are spending the proper time taking care of those you love and who love you.
Now I’m just guessing, but I think most likely you didn’t think it could get quite as bad as some of what was evoked above. That’s the great thing about the "Big What If...". If you take the process seriously, you will almost always surface from it saying to yourself "there’s no way it’s going to get that bad." If it’s not going to get that bad, and you figure out that you’d be okay even if it did get that bad, then your worst fears are no longer a nightmare. The truth is, you can handle a lot. You probably already have, and whether or not you lose everything, you’ll handle a lot while progressing into the future. Losing all your material possessions is not a life or death situation. Life can get much harder and you’ll still have your life. In fact, if you’re taking proper care to foster and nurture your current relationships, maybe if you lose everything, you'll find out you've really got something special. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find you have more with nothing than you’ve ever thought you had before.
