We need, therefore we attach others. Our attachments run deep within us because they represent our pursuit of love and care at the most elemental levels. When we lose someone, or even some important thing or personal attribute that somehow represents our attachments to others, we feel as though a part of ourselves has been extracted from our very soul. Loss occurs in many different ways and has many different kinds of impact depending on what is lost and how the connection to what was lost originated or was needed. Our connections to others let us know that we're loved, and that love truly does exist in the world. We attach the meaning of love to objects as well, whether they be representations of how we show ourselves love or how others have loved us in the past. In truly understanding loss, it is also important to recognize that we develop distinct ideas about what we must be – what we must achieve or what impression we must make - to deserve love.
Of course, loss is directly associated with depression. We become attached to people or ideas or even things, and when they're gone, we feel lost, bereft, deprived, alone, and limited. The loss of a loved one, the loss of one's youth, the loss of one's social status, and even the loss of a car or a house, or maybe even some prized possession that might be meaningless to anyone else, are all losses that can touch off devastating sadness. The very specific way people get attached to others, ideas, things, or even their social standing, however, is very specific to the way they interact with the world, and how they have come to understand what goes on around them. People develop this way of being, their personality and character, to a great extent based on a need to compensate for what they feel they have never had. Thus, for most people, in a way, loss is already inside them and they are going about their lives doing their best to overcome that loss. Loss causes the biggest problem for people where the person, idea, or thing that was lost is directly related to how a person manages to compensate where they feel weak. Loss is devastating when what's been lost was imperative in making a person feel healthy and whole.
This is not to say that grief is abnormal, but merely that grief is expressed in a way that is specifically related to how a specific loss makes it difficult to continue on with living. We begin life with only our genetics, but soon we learn how we will be loved, and how we are most likely to receive love. We may be told that we are loved unconditionally, and we may fully believe it, but our behaviors will be specifically shaped by the way we're treated when we do or don't do what our caretakers expect, whether we are or aren't who they think we're supposed to be, and whether we have or don't have the things that mean we are doing and are embodying what our caretakers think is right. In essence, the way we attempt to earn love and protect ourselves from pain, makes us who we are. Attachment is certainly related to how we protect ourselves or feel protected, but the way our personality develops for the purpose of earning love is truly the central component in our connections. We become attached to others, ideas and things primarily based on how we have attached to love. Thus, when we experience loss, the significance of the problem lies in how what we lost makes us feel like we've lost love.
There are many levels of loss that can be differentiated based on how positive a person's experiences in life have been. These levels are also moderated by how significant the specific loss has been. Understanding how any one person handles any particular loss requires examination of how that one person balances negative feelings with positive attachments, and how the particular loss fits into that pattern. Four primary levels can be clearly differentiated and will be discussed here. First, some people have experienced so much chaos in their lives, and have become so mixed up about how love can be sought, that their attachments to others are extremely tenuous, and they consequently experience repeated losses in life which they perceive as relatively insignificant (even if some members of this group might behave extremely dramatically about those losses). A second group never fully attaches to others due to an inability to take responsibility in relationships and/or a general feeling of unfairness about not being loved enough. A third group of individuals experience full attachment, but nevertheless often experience a need to prove themselves, largely due to an inability to believe they were loved unconditionally. Finally, a fourth group of individuals represents fully healthy people (really, there is no such thing, and the healthiest people fall somewhere between the third group and this ideal) who have fully attached to others, can fully grieve what the loss has meant to them, and who can continue to fully benefit from how the attachment influenced them as though the attachment will always be with them. The grieving process of each group will be discussed below, with the style of grieving done in the healthiest, last, group described as the model for healthy grieving in each of the others.
Grieving among those who have been most damaged within their personal interactions is worst when what's been lost is a rare relationship, idea, or thing that they have managed to attain and keep within their chaotic history. Often these individuals have very little that has lasted within their lives. Family has hurt them more than anyone else. They trust no one. Thus, really they have experienced loss repeatedly within their lives and they have become jaded. Sometimes, however, there have been just one or two people who, regardless of the surrounding chaos, have always been there. Quite often members of this group have managed to hold on to a few things or have managed to accomplish some level of achievement. If these few people or these very special things or achievements have always been there, in spite of all the troubles, the loss of these things leaves members of this group in complete devastation. Their reaction to most losses is denial and anger, from which they never seem to recover. But a loss of one of these rare people, accomplishments, or meaningful objects leads to depression so deep it may not appear that recovery is possible. Acceptance of the loss is almost impossible since what's been lost is part of the rare evidence that love exists. In fact, quite often, if there are any meaningful attachments for this group, even those did not prove that love exists, but rather merely that there are a few good people whose love is not enough within a cold hard world. Rather than recover and accept the loss, the grieving of individuals from this group typically returns to anger and denial, as the loss of that little bit of love in this world proves just how necessary it is to remain cold and hard. Occasionally, however, if a loss has had enough impact, it can lead to a change in life toward greater involvement and responsibility with others. In just a few instances, a person is lost who was so positive that their death makes those in this group realize they must live the rest of their life, for honor of the dead, in more positive and constructive ways. In that way, in just a few rare instances, a person from this group can be veritably saved by loss.
The second group feels cheated. They doubt if they're special. Taking any responsibility often makes them feel as though others are taking advantage, or even worse, like everything is their fault. So their relations with others are marked by halfway attachment. They often love, and they love a lot, but they fear their love's not requited. They try to be special, with special abilities or special attractiveness. Often many people love them and love them all the way, but people from this group can't experience the depth of that love. Their attempt to demonstrate their specialness, and their belief that no one really recognizes who they are or their true worth, leaves them feeling like their hope for becoming fully important is trapped within those whose esteem they covet, or the attributes they work to develop, so that they might some day be fully recognized. When they lose one of these people, or one of these attributes, they grieve as if they will never become fully human. They bargain for another chance. They feel desperate, and they fear their time is over. Their denial makes them feel as though greater effort might just bring back what or who's been lost. Acceptance requires they get passed the feeling that they'll never attain the true full connection they always felt was impossible, but nevertheless never gave up on. When they do accept that the attachment is gone, sometimes it becomes possible for those in this group to fully assess themselves in more realistic ways. Often one must let go of the idea that they might truly earn the recognition of being the most special ever, or the nicest, or the most accomplished. Often those in this group must let go of the idea that the one who they have lost might have someday truly acknowledged their worth. Sometimes with the experience of loss, those in this group are left with only one choice. They must truly accept themselves and give themselves the recognition they have always sought if they are to fully accept their loss. And with the acceptance of themselves becomes the possibility of truly full relationships with others, as these others can now be fully acknowledged instead of being there just to acknowledge the specialness of the individual from this group.
The third group has always understood they are fully loved, but they try to prove themselves worthy of unconditional love after never quite experiencing the love they knew as being truly unconditional. Because the love they've experienced allows them to be fully attached, their effort to prove themselves, however, is not an effort to prove themselves to others, but rather is an attempt to prove themselves to themselves. When they experience a loss, their grieving does not represent unfinished business or the need to complete halfway attachments. They do not believe they need to finally attain true love. Instead, they know they are loved, but it's the support and the connection that is missed. The loss represents a part of themselves, and they know where they got that part. It's as if the place they got their confidence, and the place they knew to go to get true recognition of who they are, is now gone. Although they have this feeling of confidence inside themselves, the knowledge that they can go back and have that feeling acknowledged and shared is gone. There is very rarely significant anger or bargaining in this group, but denial does plague them as they attempt to believe that the other is so securely connected within them that they believe the loss will have little effect. Acceptance within this group requires that the true depth of the loss is felt, understood, and grieved. This group sometimes believes themselves to be more resilient than is really healthy, and thus they aim to bypass the necessary grieving or depression that accompanies a real loss. In order to reach full acceptance, this group must fully experience a sense of the world without the earth beneath them, the air they have breathed, or the nutrients that made growth possible. When that acceptance occurs, however, these individuals often feel more securely attached to the one they've lost than ever before, since now they have fully faced just how much their connection to that other made them who they are.
Ideal grieving requires ideal health. If a person were fully healthy, their connections to others and the world around them would fully acknowledge, with everything they do, how everything and everyone is always connected and yet also that we are all of us completely independent and alone. With such knowledge, loss brings about a full understanding of just how important an attachment has been and how its loss will continue to be felt, but also how what's been lost will continue to exist within oneself. Grieving involves fully honoring what's been lost. Acceptance feels like a weight on one's heart simultaneous to a feeling of awe in remembrance of the wonderful warmth, beauty, glee, and magic that full relations with others implants within one's heart. Full and healthy acceptance of the loss of our greatest attachments holds the reverence and depth of our connection to those we've loved most, and fully recognizes how that which we've lost carries on with us, and then as well into those who will some day grieve over losing us, throughout our lifetime and throughout eternity. Full acceptance of loss always carries hope that love exists and can be found. Fully healthy acceptance of loss brings recognition that love abounds around us, is within us, and gives us hope that love is there for all. In the end, it is only through embracing the sorrow of what's been lost that it becomes possible to fully engage the poignant beauty of life.
