Who we are right now - our current behavior and attitudes, our perception of the world - is an adaptation to our past experiences. We grew up in a certain way, and made particular interpretations of what was needed from us. Now, we continue to act like we had thought we needed to act in the past, based on how we were taught, and based on how we had always managed the expectations and pressures that had surrounded us. To the extent that our environment is now different, the way we now act based on our past experiences may be holding us back. So how do we move into the future without our pasts holding us back? The primary purpose of in-depth psychotherapy is to discover how our perspectives on what is happening in our world, that is the particular adaptation we have forged within our personalities, is limiting our ability to adapt to the world as it really is in the present. We see the world as we do because our experiences have shaped how we see the world. But now our world has changed and we’re stuck with a personality that was specifically designed to handle those old experiences.
The funny thing is, we all think we see the world accurately. If that were true, however, there would be no explanation for the repetitive nature of our interpersonal troubles. We could think that our circumstances are just really bad or, when a relationship is involved, that it’s truly the other person’s fault. If the problem is recurring, however, it seems extremely unlikely that the problem is caused by circumstances, right? Why would we be getting ourselves into the same circumstances repeatedly, or why would we repeatedly entangle ourselves with the same kind of people over and over, if we can't handle those circumstances or if we can’t get along with those people? The fact is, each of us sees the world in the way that most makes sense to us given what we have experienced. We have adapted our views of the world to what has happened in the past. But the world is not really as we see it. The trick to success in psychotherapy, or the trick to getting past our pasts, is to recognize how our adaptations have worked for us, but are now working against us. When we recognize what the usefulness of our view was, we can then see how it’s no longer useful and how it’s getting us into trouble. We can also recognize that, in contrast to the limited view we had previously held, the world is actually filled with endless possibilities. When we recognize that truth, we can begin our journey into a whole new, and much healthier, adaptation to the world as it is for us now.
Before going any further in this discussion it is important to note that circumstances do cause significant difficulty in people’s lives. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, for example, occurs after a specific and harrowing trauma (please see article, "Post-traumatic Stress Disorder"). Likewise, significant anxiety (please see article, "Anxiety") can grow out of less specific traumas that occur over time and depression (please see article, "Depression") can occur because of either significant losses over time or a specific significant loss (please see article, "Loss and Hope"). Present day circumstances are clearly a significant cause of psychological problems. It’s also important to note that genetics plays a big part in many disorders such as bipolar disorder (please see article, "Bipolar Disorder"), schizophrenia (please see article, "Psychotic Disorders"), obsessive compulsive disorder or other diagnoses. Interestingly, however, one's past experiences, especially those from childhood, do play a part in each of these psychological maladies as well. Stable experiences in one's past and childhood help one overcome current stresses and can even mitigate a significant genetic predisposition for a particular psychological problem. It is important to note that one's childhood experiences have an impact on current psychological suffering regardless of what kind of suffering that is. For the sake of simplification, however, the remainder of this article will preclude genetics and major traumatic experiences or losses as causal factors in current problems.
So what is the first stage in understanding our childhood adaptation? Once one recognizes that their view of the world is an adaptation, it’s essential to recognize that it was really the most sensible way for them to be, or to act, or to respond, given their circumstances at that time. That’s right - the way we have adapted is actually, most often, an excellent adaptation. As strange as it might sound, when we look at the circumstances in our childhoods, including the economic situation, stresses on the family, the various personalities within our families, plus our own genetic temperament as well as many other factors, the particular way we fit into those circumstances can be understood as a great way of fitting in. Our natural tendency as children is to fit into whatever grouping of circumstances we’re dealt in such a way as to maximize the amount of love, attention, food, and safety that are available to us. If we have a sibling that takes up a certain role, or who has a particular kind of relationship with one of our parents, we can either compete for that same area and win, or we must choose a different path. We are likely to look to the other parent for our love and affection and, perhaps, develop a different role within the family (please see article, "From Id to Family System"). The world at large, however, is not our family.
The world, as suggested earlier, has endless possibilities. In order to observe and make use of those endless possibilities, however, we have to get past our pasts. How we do that is indeed very complicated. At first a person must recognize how their past influenced them, and then they must allow themselves to see things anew. Because people tend to believe their current view to be correct, even this first stage can be extremely problematic. A person believes their incorrect view is true even in relation to their therapist, not to mention every person with whom they work, and all their friends. They are likely correct about their view in perceiving their own families, since that is where they developed the view in the first place. It is extremely unlikely, however, that all the people in their life have developed the same kinds of impatience, assumptions, anger, or any other psychological attributes, that existed within their own family. With the many non-family others in their lives, especially their therapist, they must now see that what they perceive about others because of their family is wrong. Then they must generalize how they have been wrong to how they get along in many other potential relationships. Once a person does realize, however, that maybe their experiences within their families and in the past have had an influence that leads them to incorrect and very problematic views about the world and in relationships, new problems then arise.
If a person realizes they’re seeing things wrong, often the first thing they feel is guilt or shame about how they have acted or how they have felt in their relationships up till now. That feeling of guilt or shame can be a good sign in that it means a person is a feeling and caring human being. But guilt and shame have a way of making us want to hide in one way or another. Sometimes we deny the problem and latch onto our old ways of thinking as if there's never been anything to be ashamed about. Sometimes we continue to blame others in order to reinforce our old way of seeing things. Sometimes we try to deny how we’ve been seeing the world and how we’ve been acting, while we attempt to change ourselves in a wholesale, but false, way so that no one will identify us as being the way we were. That is, some people become quite good at acting differently even though they continue to feel about the world in the same way they always have (which really means they are seeing the world the same way as always, but are simply controlling their behavior so that it won’t seem like they’re still the same). It is absolutely essential to true change that moves one into the future, however, that we come to understand why we were the way we were in the past.
Once people understand that they have been seeing things in a distorted fashion, they generally have a need to forgive themselves for that distortion. It can be so difficult to give up old ways of thinking that we often cling to the idea that we must be right, especially about our most personal thoughts and feelings. Admitting that we had seen things in a distorted fashion often feels so embarrassing or shameful, that forgiving ourselves for having been so much the way we were – stupid, mean, annoying, judgmental, controlling, desperate, clinging, petty, cheap, etc...- is difficult. Forgiving ourselves requires us to admit that we were that way in the first place. If we don't realize how we've been and forgive ourselves, however, it's very common to continue thinking it was right.
Nevertheless, if understanding and forgiveness for ourselves are denied or forgotten, then new behavior, even if it is learned well and is very effective, feels false and is bereft of true satisfaction. Such new behavior can be used because it seems to work, but it does not truly become a part of who we are. It becomes clear that it's the right thing to do, but we still feel ashamed of how we had been and we secretly feel like we're "bad," "tainted," or "damaged." Dealing with the difficulties of self-forgiveness requires a certain attitude. In order to forgive and understand oneself, people must come to recognize that all human beings do develop their personalities at young ages as an adaptation to their particular environments. It is not really our fault that we have developed as we have. It just happened. In a way, even our parents cannot be blamed (unless they were abusive in some way) since parents are typically doing their best when they screw up (I hope my children understand this when they get older - we all screw up some when it comes to parenting).
It is our fault, however, if we continually fall into the same problematic patterns and do nothing to change those patterns. Once we recognize, understand, and truly forgive ourselves for how we’ve been, there is good news. At this point we must, of necessity, develop a new adaptation to the world of endless possibilities. Our new understanding of what has happened to us in the past, and our ability to forgive ourselves, actually precludes the old type of thinking. We cannot even think, for example, of picking a mate who is always angry like our father had been, and then try to please him. We immediately recognize the anger as unhealthy for us and it is ugly to us. Trying to please someone else in spite of ourselves can also feel alien as we become much more comfortable with pleasing ourselves appropriately. Mates that seem to have true potential are those who we can envision loving us as they expect to be loved. A good potential mate seems to be a person who can be pleased, for example, at the same time that we are pleased.
In the world of endless possibilities, our forgiveness and understanding for ourselves actually makes it possible to see the world as it is, rather than as our projection of what our family had been. We have no desire to be with those who do not treat us as we know we deserve to be treated, and we do notice that they're not treating us well. We also have no desire to be with people who would allow us to treat them in any way that is worse than they deserve, and we do notice that they're allowing themselves to be treated badly. At the same time, even though we understand that there are people who fit us well, we also recognize that there are people who are unhealthy, and we don’t expect of ourselves that we get along with everyone. On the other hand, although we might not get along with everyone, we also do not need to reject others too hastily.
Forgiveness and understanding of ourselves makes us more forgiving of others. The process of adapting to the world of endless possibilities brings us a new emotional confidence within ourselves as we observe the reality of who we are and how we stand in relation to others. It is that confidence which makes forgiveness of others, and letting go of our pain or resentments, much easier. If we are confident that we can stand on our own in this world as it is, and we trust ourselves to trust only others who truly can be trusted to avoid hurting us as much as they can, it's not so difficult to let go of bitterness and anger. With the development of emotional confidence, we know the others with whom we choose to spend our life, and whom we trust, do not intentionally harm us, and those who are less close to us do not have the power to really harm us at a deep emotional level. Thus, bitterness and anger, our pain and resentments, really make no sense because bitterness and anger, as well as our resentments, are based in the belief that others have indeed intentionally harmed us or that things are in fact set up in unfair and inequitable ways that we cannot overcome.
With the development of emotional confidence, we feel we can know ourselves well enough to make sure that those with whom we choose to spend our time will not intentionally harm us, and we feel we can overcome the inequities in life. Thus, forgiveness of others is actually quite a bit easier than forgiving ourselves. After understanding and forgiving ourselves for what we feel have been our worst traits, we know ourselves and have confidence. We know when we can trust the world and we know we'll take care of ourselves adequately when the world does fail us. We also forgive easily because we are never really hurt that badly, and because we know we will not allow anyone who hurts us repeatedly and intentionally to remain close to us. Amazingly enough, this new feeling of comfort and confidence, and the ability to forgive, also makes others comfortable around us, and simultaneously more respectful of us. With this emotional confidence we become able to react in an authentic and spontaneous fashion in many more circumstances than ever before, as that confidence allows us to know that, most of the time, everything will be okay as long as we do our best.
This is the path to mental health. We start with a perspective that is incorrect and gets us into trouble. We recognize how that particular adaptation developed and how it made sense given our childhood circumstances. We recognize that as human beings we are imperfect and we forgive ourselves for being less than perfect. As we get more and more familiar with how we viewed things and why we viewed things that way, and we continue to understand and forgive ourselves for how we incorrectly perceive, the old ways of thinking become less and less possible. Those old feelings become increasingly alien to us. And finally we become who we were truly meant to be. We are confident in our integrity, we have the humility to see that we can be wrong, we can accept that others can be wrong without meaning us harm, and our confidence gives us the ability to be authentic and spontaneous. As we simultaneously treat ourselves well and find ourselves acting unselfishly, we begin to recognize how well our world seems to fit together. We begin to recognize that our own mental health can potentially fit within a world of simultaneous health for everyone. Although that world does not exist at present, when we become mentally healthy and confident, we see that the world is, indeed, a world of endless possibilities.
