Why do some people make necessary changes in their lives while others seem unable? That question may not be quite as complicated as it first seems. Of course everyone who decides to make a change does so for different reasons, so it is complicated, but there is also one commonality among efforts at change. Generally speaking, people make the changes they make when their lives get significantly out of balance.
So, what is balance, and what is change? First of all, it must be said, not just any balance is necessarily healthy balance. In fact, everyone’s life is in some kind of balance, but sometimes that balance includes extreme behavior that is needed to counterbalance or compensate for other feelings or for relationships that throw one off balance. A person might work obsessively because he feels the need to amass wealth which, in turn, makes him feel adequate where once he felt inferior. Another person might work obsessively because she cannot stand to be at home where her relationships are extremely stressful and her time seems not her own. While one person might use drugs to help her forget how badly she has treated her children, another might use drugs to make her feel glamorous or confident. Clearly, although balance is a part of all these examples, balance is not necessarily healthy.
Perhaps an easy definition of psychological balance would be: any set of circumstances and attitudes that make it possible to continue on in life without making a psychological change. When an unhealthy balance reaches a precarious state then, or when it causes some kind of extreme emotional discomfort, either a person changes intentionally or circumstances lead to changes independent of choice. In that way, psychological "change" is defined, to a certain extent, by balance. Psychological change occurs when things get out of psychological balance because balance of some kind must always be restored, healthy or not.
Real psychological change can involve leaving a particular situation or doing things in a notably novel manner. For example, in a marriage both partners get into certain patterns of their own to which the other person responds in his or her own unique way. Sometimes one person feels she has done all the accommodating while the other has always had his way. Often relationships work very well when they appear to be one-sided. The trick to understanding a relationship that works well in such circumstances is in understanding that the accommodating person actually balances herself through her accommodating behavior. That sounds kind of strange, doesn't it? But it happens. The wife in this couple might, for example, feel a need to be charitable to all others due to guilt that she experiences when others give to her. It is possible that she was taught as a child to refrain from asking for anything, or she could have been given so much that she feels overly spoiled.
Unfortunately, there can be a problem when such complementary behavior also leads to some kind of resentment that has no outlet. Our hypothetical woman from the example above gives and gives, just as she has always been taught to give, but something is amiss. Whereas in her childhood there was possibly relief for not being ridiculed or blamed, or perhaps praise for being so selfless, now as an adult this altruistic trait has little utility within a relationship of equals. Perhaps it even results in ridicule or blame, and praise or appreciation are rarely offered. Thus, resentment builds. It builds and it builds, and the resentment has no outlet, and BLAM, a sudden change is necessary to alleviate long-lasting and long-developing difficulties. That change could be therapy, either for the couple or for either of the individuals involved, or alternately, typical sudden changes include leaving, divorcing, disappearing, etc... Any kind of change, even far less drastic changes than these, leads to a new kind of balance for everyone involved.
In such tough situations, it is unfortunately very common that things come to a boiling point where the only solution appears to be extricating oneself from the cauldron-like relationship. Changing patterns in relating, however, is far more possible than people often think, can lead to changes in balance, and can allow for continuation of healthier states of being. What has often not been tried is the heartfelt expression of the feelings that led to current patterns (please see articles, Communication from the Heart and "I" Statements). A man who tends to hold back resentments while trying to accommodate to the wishes of others, might start to tell those close to him what is going on in his head. He might say, "You know I have a tendency to just do what you want, but I wonder sometimes why we don’t do what I want." If he has had a tendency to leave out his wishes he will have to add, "I know I rarely tell you what I want to do, but today I’d like to..." Such statements have to include some way of taking responsibility for one's own patterns or they will be perceived to be blaming, and that will lead to defensiveness in the partner. As difficult as it might seem to handle such personal communications adequately, doing so with commitment can lead to an entirely new kind of balance between people. In this way, an unbalanced situation is balanced in a new way and can become more comfortable. Although such a change requires great effort, it is typically well worth the trouble, especially in situations where it is far preferable, or perhaps inescapable (such as when children are the one's with whom communication is necessary), to remain within the relationship.
There are many ways that people notice that they are out of balance. In the situation discussed above, the resentment has most likely built into depression or anxiety. However, in other situations, people might notice that their life is out of balance because they lose, or upset, those they love. They might notice they are out of balance because it seems they run into conflict wherever they go. When long-lasting interpersonal conflict is the primary problem, the person who causes such conflict rarely sees what it is they do that causes the problem. They typically feel that others don’t do things the "right way" or that others are "too sensitive." They typically think their anger or bossiness is necessary. They often also think that people in this world are either at the top or at the bottom, dominant or submissive, exploiters or exploited. A person develops these traits from feeling dominated or abused at some point in their lives, usually in childhood. They reach a balance for feelings of vulnerability and hurt within themselves by being dominant and in control. But when these dominant types run into serious dissatisfaction in life - when they lose some kind of emotional balance because they find an unmet need for intimate involvement with those to whom they are supposed to be close - they are sometimes ready to start getting close to those they love by expressing their hurts and vulnerability without trying to dominate. When they want to lash out, they might find the strength to see how lashing out is related to having been hurt in the past, or to their current sensitivities. At that point they become ready to make statements that draw their intimates closer rather than chasing them away, and they also become more receptive to such statements from those close to them. Such statements involve admitting and accepting vulnerability and hurt, and hoping that more hurt won’t follow as it has previously in their lives.
Balance is also involved in other kinds of motivation where change can be even more difficult. Depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses often indicate that things are not in a healthy balance, but they also make motivation to change very difficult because the illness itself is a way of balancing the afflicted person's inability to handle life's circumstances as they are. That is, individuals with mental illness are often striking a balance by remaining ill. When life seems overwhelming, many kinds of mental illness help a person withdraw or avoid what overwhelms them. The often intractable nature of these illnesses is caused by a desire for things to be different, but an inability to make them so because of the comfort found in the behaviors engendered within the illness. Invariably, however, the change away from such mental illness occurs when, for some reason, the pain and suffering caused by the illness outweigh its benefits. At that point, whether it is because family members become more concerned or because the afflicted person makes themselves overcome some of their symptoms and do what is necessary for recovery, a different balance is accomplished through hard work, treatment, or simply because a change becomes absolutely unavoidable.
The motivation we expect from our children also hinges upon balance. People often wonder how they might be able to motivate their children to perform better in academics, sports, or behavior. The fact of the matter is that whatever your child is currently doing, including whatever attitudes towards school, extra-curricular activities, or behavior they might currently express or exhibit, is an expression of their unique way of balancing. They might not feel much need to accomplish goals because things are made too easy for them or, alternately, because they resent the pressure they perceive on them. Either way, it's likely that unmotivated children see the goals we adults perceive as so ultimately important as though they are parental goals, which hold little value for themselves. It can be very tricky to help children see how our ultimate goal is for their future happiness (please see article, You Don't Know How Much They Love You). If we push too hard, their behavior becomes a balance against our pressure, and goals for their future happiness are rendered moot. If we give them too much, including excessive praise not tied to adequate striving, their lack of industry may well indicate little concern for the future since there appears to be little doubt that the future will work out just fine regardless of effort (please see article, Who's to Say What's "Right" in Parenting?). Motivation in children is often very difficult to cultivate because we are, in fact, so interested in their success, and do so desperately desire to care for their self-esteem. Although clearly there are many important parameters within which to guide our kids' activities and attitudes, helping them find their own balance, one not too explicitly derived to fit with our expectations, is typically key in making that balance one that includes adequate motivation. Children are often interested in pleasing us, or demonstrating their skills to others. They often want to succeed for the sake of success itself. There is no bad reason for being motivated. However, those who will strike the healthiest balance in their struggle to achieve will typically be those who truly follow their own fascination and desire, and accomplish goals based on their very own singular and individualistic thirst and hunger for personal growth.
Balance is truly at the center of change and motivation. It is important to notice that people are always in some kind of balance, either healthy or not. When you are feeling like you’re unhappy, and you keep wondering why you can’t seem to make the kind of change that seems necessary to give yourself a more satisfying life, try to become more conscious of the things you’re telling yourself. The way you talk to yourself reveals the way you are accomplishing your current level of balance. "I can’t do that because it will hurt the kids"; "What will people think?"; "I’m just not strong enough to do it"; or "my kids are just so lazy?" These are some of the many examples of why people don’t make changes. Everything you say to yourself is a kind of balancing statement that aims to make staying the same a viable option. If, as in the statement above, you have a desire not to hurt the kids, maybe it is well-founded in your knowledge of how much they need you around, or maybe you’re really thinking about how much you need to be around them. If, as in the statement above, you need others to "think" certain things about you, maybe that’s another way that you balance your self-esteem. As in the statement above pertaining to "strength," it is possible that you really aren’t "strong enough," which would have to mean that you are getting something from the situation in its current state that makes you feel more safe or secure than what would happen if you changed things. If you're concerned about your kids' motivation, as the "laziness" statement above would suggest, maybe you're giving them too much or pushing them too hard, or maybe you haven't been focusing adequately on their unique sets of talent. These thoughts that help you not change are not necessarily incorrect, but if you become more conscious of the balancing aspect of these thoughts, it’s also possible that you will become more content with your current situation.
You could easily change these statements to bolster your happiness and accept your current balance. You could think "my life is good with my kids just the way it is"; "people can think what they like, it doesn't have to affect me"; "I like how things are taken care of this way; I'm better off not rocking the boat"; or "I love to take care of my kids – I know this way they'll always need me." The fact is, in most cases if you don't change how you do things, you are making a choice not to change. Satisfactory to you or not, if you're not willing to make a change, then your balance is most likely, at least for the time being, good enough for you. Not making a change usually means your current balance is not quite uncomfortable enough to warrant the effort a change will require.
However, if things are not to your liking and are truly out of balance, if you're feeling a lot of pain, and everyday you feel yourself miserable with regret as one more day passes in inaction, please accept your power to change. If you're truly out of balance, you'll be truly motivated. With the proper motivation, there are few changes you can't make. Often the effort is smaller than you think, and involves merely a change in the way you communicate with those you love. With enough motivation, even big changes are often much more possible than you could have ever imagined. If you or your family are truly out of balance, you can make a change. If you do make a change because you're out of balance, perhaps lacking balance can sometimes be a good thing. It is in the lack of balance that we find the motivation to accomplish all things. It is when we're thoroughly uncomfortable in our lack of balance that we truly find the power and motivation to change.
