The concept of assertiveness is not well understood. Most people know what it is by knowing what it's not. That is, to most people it means not being aggressive and not being passive. Of course, everyone also knows it is supposed to be a good thing. But what really constitutes an assertive response and why is it so important?
To be assertive is to be aware of, and communicate, your true wishes, desires, disappointments, and frustrations, while weighing the impact of those feelings on the others around you. There are two main ways that people fail to be assertive. First, some people simply do not let others know what they want or what upsets them because they are afraid of what others might think. Such a person is known as "passive." Second, some people just seem to take whatever they want, and get mad whenever they don’t get what they want, while giving no thought to the effect their actions have on others. This person is known as "aggressive." Both of these styles lead to significant unhappiness. The passive person feels others take advantage of them, and generally experiences life to be unfair. The aggressive person, on the other hand, never develops any genuine closeness with others, and experiences life as good only to the extent that they are able to take from life what they want.
Life seems like an uphill battle, a constant struggle, to the passive person. He is constantly doing favors, trying his hardest, hiding his anger or sadness, and attempting to be the "best" person he can be. But when most people around him don’t understand how he feels, or when they think his feelings can wait based on how he’s acting, then these others assume that their feelings can take priority. If he says what he thinks and feels, on the other hand, others around the passive person will learn that certain things upset him or make him happy, and that he will take care of himself in making sure he gets what he needs.
To the aggressive person, the current moment seems pretty darned good. To most of us she looks like she’s getting everything. And, in fact, she will likely lead a very "successful" life to the extent that she's able to get what she wants. Unfortunately, she will rarely feel much better about her life than the passive person. That’s because life is about loving and being loved, not power and acquisitions. Power and acquisitions are only very inadequate replacements for love that people learn to acquire when their efforts at love have been thwarted. So, the more aggressive and irritable person, who seems to get what she wants, typically has very poor relations with her spouse, siblings, and children. In fact, in the end, the aggressive person often seems much worse off than the passive person. When the material things are gone, no one really wants to stick around.
The solution to either being too passive or too aggressive is assertiveness. In fact, I call assertiveness the "30% solution." I often notice that my clients, many of whom are suffering from depression or anxiety, only get what they truly want about 5% of the time. THAT IS UPSETTING! As discussed above, the passive person rarely gets what he wants because no one even knows that he needs anything. Why would they put off their own needs to accommodate the passive person if they don't even know he wants something. Alternately, the aggressive person seems to get everything she wants in the moment, but her constant chase for winning what she wants occurs because her life seems empty – she is trying to fill herself up before she might experience even an infinitesimal amount of that looming emptiness. Either way, when people make a point of stating their needs, wants, desires, and frustrations in a way that takes the needs of others into account, they can expect to actually get what they need or want about 30% of the time.
It may not seem like it, but getting what you need and want about 30% of the time will make you extremely happy and content. Since each of us is merely an individual amongst millions of others, it should be no surprise that we don’t get what we want approximately 70% of the time even when we're assertive. But compare 30% to the 5% level attained by the passive person. The generally happy and content person gets what he wants six times more than the passive person. It is very important to understand that the goal of 30% also helps a person even if she thinks she gets what she wants almost 100% of the time. The aggressive person may think that she is getting what she wants, but the very fact that she is getting what she wants so much of the time actually precludes the possibility of achieving closeness with others. If those around you never get what they want, they certainly are not going to develop a positive relationship with you. Besides, it’s not possible to have loving relationships with others who are not our equals, at least as far as respect and equality as human beings is concerned. We can only love someone if we know who they are, and we can only know who they are if they reveal their preferences and desires.
If you are a person who seems to fit in one of the two major categories above, even if only a little bit, start being more assertive today! Half the trick is knowing what you want. The other half is knowing what is influencing others. It just so happens that passive individuals are very good at gauging the emotions and pressures on other people, while aggressive people are generally pretty good at knowing what they, themselves want (at least in the immediate moment). The trick is merely becoming more aware of the half you have not developed, and then making sure that that awareness is clearly shown when you communicate with others. That is, if you don't express your needs, you will not get what you want. If you don't take others feelings and the context of a situation into account, you may get what you want, but your inability to recognize the needs of others will undoubtedly result in loneliness.
Really, it all comes down to realizing that we live in a world of choices and responsibility. If you look at life accurately you will start to see that absolutely everything you do is a choice. You must also recognize, however, that everyone else has a choice as well. Perhaps sometimes we make one choice based on the perceived consequence of making a different choice, and perhaps that makes us feel like we don't have choices, as if the consequence of choosing what we really want is so bad that we have no choice at all. However, you are the one who decides what you do, and the others around you decide what they do, too. Everyone should make decisions based on the possible consequences as well as the possible rewards. Knowing you and everyone else are making choices really just makes you a responsible person. If it is your choice to do what you do, you cannot blame someone else for what you do. If you clearly communicate to others that you understand that they can make choices too, then when you express your desires you are simultaneously taking responsibility for your part in the relationship between you.
Assertiveness is merely a way to clearly communicate our awareness of the fact that we live in a world of choices and responsibility. Assertiveness includes making a statement of our own desire or wish (what we would like to do), coupled with a recognition of the other person's likely desire in the same situation (the other person's likely choice) along with a recognition of the context of the situation (the existing possibilities). When we successfully communicate in an assertive way, we often get what we want while also demonstrating how much we care. Most of the time, in fact, assertive communication is appreciated by those around you who want to know your wishes so they can make choices for what they want without feeling like you weren't taken into account. In many circumstances there is tremendous overlap between what people want, which means assertive communication can lead to several people getting what they want at the same time. Maybe then, assertiveness helps mix an even higher octane solution for mutual satisfaction, maybe even a 40% or 50% solution.
So, if you're ready for better, more responsible communication, with a much better chance of getting what you want, while simultaneously maintaining positive, caring relationships, then think of assertiveness as a simple equation. It works like this: Assertiveness (A) = (Y) knowing and confidently stating what You need and Want + (O) knowing and saying what Others need and want + (U) knowing and stating your Understanding of the context of the issue over time. That is, A = Y+O+U. With that equation you can put yourself on the road to happiness in relationships and get what you want out of life. So use the equation well and consistently... and, good luck in your pursuit of the 30% solution.
