Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.

As every parent knows, there is no occupation as difficult as parenting. We want the most for our children, but we have many other concerns and stresses that we attempt to balance simultaneously. Few parents are completely satisfied with their parenting. The issues involved are so complicated. In fact, sometimes it seems parenting is so complicated that we have difficulty remembering the most essential elements involved. In that regard, it can be helpful to have the essentials of parenting presented within just a few basic guidelines which will assure that you are the absolute best parent you can be.

The essentials of parenting are these: parents must make a constant effort to look upon their children with kindness and affection, balanced by consistency and firmness. If parents make such an effort, even if they often falter, their children will feel loved and appreciated, and will also understand the importance of rules. Equally important, a consistent effort at good parenting will ensure that children will maintain a connection with the specific desires, and the all-important vision for their future, of those who love them most.

Since this sounds way too easy, perhaps I should elaborate on the meaning of these factors. Each of these concepts is complicated by individualistic attitudes and the stresses of every day life in our fast-paced world. It is not possible to be kind all of the time, and we do not always feel like hugging, even if our children deserve it. Consistency is difficult for many reasons, but mostly because we feel differently about things at different times. Consistency is also difficult when two parents disagree about their approach to parenting. The problem with being firm is typically a lack of adequate energy, but firmness can also be difficult when we are feeling especially loving despite some of the bad behavior we see in our children. When we are not firm we are also, typically, inconsistent. Perhaps it will be helpful to elaborate on what I mean by kindness, affection, consistency, and firmness.

Kindness

In essence, kindness involves putting yourself in the shoes of your child, thinking about your child's motivations or intentions, and realizing that what they're going through, or the way they're acting, is related to their age, and the vulnerability of their situation. When we disapprove of a child's behavior, we are likely to over-react if we see their actions exclusively from the adult perspective. It is common to think children should know better without considering what they are experiencing. When we're tired or stressed it can intensify a less than empathic reaction. Likewise, when children are acting in ways that we like, we have to remember that their actions require effort on their part, and if we do not demonstrate our appreciation, our children might feel little desire to make similar effort in the future.

Affection

One way that we can show our appreciation is through affection. It feels good to be hugged and snuggled as long as it's invited. The desire of most children for affection is so great that they'll often rub up against their parents, or flop into their laps, like hungry kittens. Sometimes children will behave in positive ways just because they want affection. But it is also often the case that a child is in a moment where they want and need independence. It is important for parents to understand the independent spirit of their children and to refrain from being too affectionate when their child desires, or should be developing, independence. As much as a parent must recognize that their child needs affection, they must also realize that holding off on being affectionate might be almost as crucial since a child can perceive overwhelming affection as thwarting independence.

Consistency

Consistency is made difficult by our own changing moods and by our differences with our partners. Children are better able to negotiate the family and watch their behavior when parents' expectations are clear, and the consequences are set for what will occur when expectations are not met. If we are able to remain consistent in spite of stress or unpredictable circumstances, we build stability into the family environment. Nothing can be more important than the ability of parents to support one another in their views and their interventions if consistency is to be maintained. The confidence children develop as a result of parental consistency carries over into other parts of life, and into your child's future.

Firmness

Firmness, of course, goes hand in hand with consistency. When a parent is serious and behaves in accordance with their feelings, children feel it in their bones. This is not a recommendation for angry or mean behavior. Rather, tone of voice, body language and facial expression easily reveal seriousness. Children who are used to a consistent, yet loving and affectionate, home, know when they should not cross the line. Testing of parental limits occurs with almost all children, but if children know with certainty that parents will stand firm when they've had enough, children learn their limits while simultaneously learning the limits they should set in their interactions with others.

Make the Effort

There is one point that is essential to repeat. As a parent it is necessary to make the effort to keep these attributes in mind and in balance. But it is not always going to be easy, and sometimes it may not seem possible. Parents need to give themselves a break when they are impatient or snap in frustration. As long as there is an effort to be kind, affectionate, consistent, and firm, children will get the message that they are loved, valued, and cared for in a consistent and knowable world. If they internalize that message, they will carry it with them throughout their lives, and they will pass it on to the next generation.