When I see all the trouble encountered by kids who don't want to follow rules, kids who just never seem to do the right thing – when I see kids blow up in anger because they don't get their way, or take things they think they need because they just can't wait – when kids can't tell the truth or take responsibility – when they feel entitled, but don't like hard work – when it seems clear to me that a kid just won't get a grip on where they're going to end up if they keep going this way, I can't help but think the same thing every time: Why on God's green Earth would someone keep being bad when it's so much easier to be good?
Of course the answer is complicated! It must be. It can't feel good to have people angry at you all the time, or to have them be disappointed. As if the wrath of parents and teachers isn't bad enough, when the consequences are meted out, it must stink to lose privileges or be forced to do extra work. Even worse, it must feel devastating to go to court and/or Juvenile Detention. From the point of view of most ordinary people, it seems daunting enough just to have to associate with other people who also can't be trusted, or worse, people who might literally stab you in the back. Worst of all, however, is that being bad gets a person nowhere.
When someone is frequently bad, others will not trust them. If they can't be trusted, a person who is acting badly will not only lose privileges, but they will also lose their freedom. As children, only those who can earn their parents' trust are actually given freedom. If their parents trust too easily, or if their parents just don't care enough, of course, those kids end up in lock up. But in most cases where parents do care, we see the child slowly lose the ability to do anything that requires trust, even when no privilege has been taken. If a kid can't be trusted to go outside or have friends over, then even when the child's not in trouble, some fear within the parent will make them say "no" or find an excuse to avoid granting a privilege. If the parents care and they are afraid, they have to say "no" in order to keep their child safe. Sometimes parents even say "no" to the child being with the parent. If a parent believes their child is likely to get on their nerves when they go somewhere, that parent is likely to abstain from bringing the child just because it would be more trouble than it's worth. When it comes time for really big freedoms, like learning to drive, a caring parent would have to be crazy to allow a child who isn't trustworthy to get behind the wheel.
When you think of the long term, the outcomes are even worse. People who continue to do the wrong thing into their adult years rarely, if ever, truly succeed. No matter how you define success, it is unlikely one can become successful by doing bad things. Bad acting people come to bad ends. How many times do you hear about a criminal success story? No matter how many years they might successfully stockpile cash, criminals end up in prison or get killed. It is the very rare criminal who becomes a great success story.
Even those who make a living cheating others for long periods, or who treat people badly while they go about their business, rarely come to good ends. It is so frequent for these disrespectful and self-centered types to feel quite successful until, as they approach their senior years, they realize just how alone they are and how meaningless their life has been. The more you think about it, the more it's obviously true, it's really hard to be bad.
Clearly then, there must be something very compelling about being bad if so many people feel the need to be bad. In fact, there are three primary reasons that bad behaviors persist even when parents are trying their very best to quell them. First and foremost, children who engage in bad behavior appear to have very significant problems with the delay of gratification. Second, many kids with bad behaviors have an extreme need to be in control or dominant. Third, the insatiable need and desire for the approval of one's peers can be almost completely irresistible. Understanding why people act badly requires closer inspection. Perhaps a better understanding of why people do bad things will help lead to better ways of helping them get on track.
With respect to the inability to delay gratification, some children experience the desire for what they want so powerfully it's as if they're inexorably impelled to take immediate action. A child can feel that way about small things or big, a candy bar or a brand new bike. When a child is either told "no" or is made to wait, sometimes they feel controlling themselves is just beyond their abilities. Some children have such a powerful need within them that they will find almost any way to get the thing they want. They will steal if they can. They will beg and plead with their parents, or attempt a million kinds of manipulation, till their parents either acquiesce from enervation or become completely infuriated. Regardless of how many times this happens, such children never seem to learn.
When it comes to the need for dominance, it is unfortunately the case that many children feel like everything is chaotic and out of control unless they themselves are in control. Sometimes there is a need for dominance related to genetic insecurity, but the need for dominance can also be the result of experiencing trauma. When these children find themselves in new or frightening situations, they often have a need to be feared so they won't feel scared. All feelings associated with fear make these children feel an intolerable level of vulnerability. Because this vulnerability cannot be endured, such a child becomes dominant, controlling or aggressive before they are even aware of their fear. Once a person has used dominance and aggression to avoid their fear, they also experience a significant level of power as others back off and give in. That power can feel quite addictive and thus lead to more aggressive and dominant conduct in a cycle of behavior that may lead to some level of success, but never leads to satisfactory relationships (please see article, The Power and Control Addiction). Unfortunately, trying to be dominant with authority figures outside the home is no more a good way to get along than attempting to dominate one's parents. In fact, even with one's peers, trying to be dominant has a tendency to result in frequent fighting or antagonism.
Peer pressure, along with the desire for approval from one's peers, also cannot be denied as a third factor in bad behavior. Some kids find it intoxicating to hear their peers laugh, and thus become class clowns. Some kids want their peers to think they're cool, or attractive, or wealthy, or unafraid. Because they want their peers to think those things, they'll behave in the ways others want them to behave, whether it be to use substances, to dress in a provocative fashion, to pilfer emblems of material success, or to behave in a challenging manner. It can be so ridiculously compelling to create a certain impression of oneself that some children will stop at nothing to make sure they feel accepted by their peers. There is good reason, however, that children should look to their elders in deciding how best to behave. Worry about what one's peers are thinking is so intrinsic to childhood, and children are so easily swayed by what is thought to be cool or funny, that only the leadership of one's respected elders, those who have already successfully traversed the tumultuous and murky rivers of childhood, can have any hope of keeping the desire for peer approval in check. Of course, these easily influenced kids have an extremely hard time becoming aware of that fact.
Thus parental leadership and discipline go hand in hand as the essential elements for combating bad behavior. Good parents are able to combine being firm and being consistent, while also maintaining kindness and affection toward their children (please see article, The Essentials of Parenting). Their children become accustomed to being treated fairly, but good parents do not surrender their principles due merely to a showing of childish desperation. Good parents maintain a hierarchy in the household whereby children know their place and feel confident enough in their parents' affection that they do not need to fight their parents for control. Although children are always susceptible to peer pressure, if they learn to respect their elders, they will have adequate fear of transgressing their parents' admonishments. Good parents combat bad behavior, not only with discipline, but with love. They teach their children a path to success through hard work and taking responsibility. Their children learn to balance pride with humility, and desire with gratitude (please see article, From Materialism to Integrity).
In short, if a child can learn that they're special and unique and loved in this world, and if they can learn to strive for their goals in a way that does not cheat others or rob others of their chances at success, then they become capable of overcoming the inability to delay gratification, the need to dominate, and the perils of peer pressure. Good parenting leads to integrity and confidence. Fully developed integrity and confidence preclude bad behavior because they allow one to know without doubt that doing things right will lead to the kind of success that lasts. Fully developed integrity and confidence allow one to feel like they already have the things they need, that they are plenty strong, and that they are plenty likable, even if they want more, are striving to be stronger, and wish they had more friends.
But what, you may ask, happens when such good parenting is not available? That is a great question with no easy answer. Nevertheless, it remains the same, being bad is really, really, really hard. Given what's known about what will happen when one frequently does the wrong thing, how can anyone choose being bad as an acceptable alternative to being good. Being good is easy in comparison. Once you know the only way to any kind of success is doing things right - that is, working hard, taking responsibility, and being fair to others - even if you haven't developed integrity and confidence, then there is only one direction to go. The only reason not to go in that direction is if one just doesn't care enough about one's self to work hard, take responsibility, and be fair to others. Only if one just doesn't care about themselves does it make any sense that one would refuse to force themselves to delay gratification, contain the desire to dominate, and overcome pressure from peers. Give me hard work and the freedom earned from trust any day. I'll remain forever diligent, grateful, honest, loyal and fair anytime and every day over the alternative of going to prison or ending up alone. If there's a chance any kid out there might want my advice, well, here it is: it's really just so hard to be bad – so for heaven's sake, go easy on yourself, and just be good!
