It must be really hard to be a girl! We really ask a lot from them. First of all we tell them to be sweet and kind and gentle. And actually, that's pretty natural for the typical girl. But then we tell them to be strong, direct, independent and competitive. Well, that might be indispensable in this cold, hard, world, and a lot of girls don't have any problem demonstrating those qualities, but somehow those qualities don't fit that great with being kind and gentle.
Clearly, the place of the female in our society is extremely complicated. Some of this complexity is merely a result of genetics in that females have always had to multi-task as the keepers of the children and the home, dating back to prehistoric times. On the other hand, some of this complexity is clearly foisted upon girls as we expect them to manage things in the simplistic, linear, fashion that men have developed because it has always suited men best.
Males have historically had to work toward very specific and discrete goals like building, hunting, and protecting - activities which lend themselves to linear thinking and less finesse than what is required from females. Unfortunately for girls, however, with so-called equality between the genders taking prominence, it has been far more often the circumstance that girls have had to learn to do things like guys, rather than the other way around.
It's sort of funny, really, that it's far more frequent that boys are the ones complaining. Many men think it's horrible that they should have to care for children, cook dinner, or clean up. Heaven forbid if some men have to change a diaper. Many men think all of that is "women's work." And, in a way, all that had been women's work before the late 20th century. It's also true, really, that many men aren't naturals when it comes to doing much of that.
When you think about it, so called "women's work" almost always requires multi-tasking. Most men today, in fact, won't even mind if told to do any one discrete task related to "women's work." A man can change a diaper, cook a casserole, or wash the dishes. It's the general tasks, those that require doing many things at once, like caring for the children, cooking a meal, or cleaning up, that truly challenge the typical man's inability to multi-task. It's not that men can't do these things, but the fact that it's not quite natural to men makes these more general tasks cumbersome (For more detail about the differences between men and women, please see the article, "Women and Men").
In fact, men will often do the general tasks, those that require multi-tasking, much differently than their female counterparts. Men will often be less intimately involved, and will often perform these tasks in, what seems to be, a much less considerate way than women will. Men will clean up later or more slowly, will make a very simple meal, or will let the children do what they want with relatively little supervision. Men often rationalize that these less involved forms of completing certain tasks are more efficient.
For women, however, it is often "the thought that counts," and women know that people feel cared for more when chores are accomplished with consideration as the primary objective rather than easiness. So, men complain about multi-tasking chores, or don't do them, or they change those chores to be more like typical male tasks (fit them into a routine so they become one chore).
Girls and women, unfortunately, can't manage the expectations of society quite so easily because so much more is expected from them. They might change some tasks to more feminine versions of the same, but since they will most likely be judged based on how quickly the task was completed, or whether their directives were readily understood, they had better be aware that they are competing in a "man's world." In fact, everywhere you look, females are given competing expectations that require amazing balance.
Girls are, of course, expected to produce every bit as much as their male counterparts, but they are also expected to be nice and caring, and sometimes to look pretty, while they produce that same amount (I can hear some guys grousing that their appearance and grooming matter just as much as does that of the women on their job, but I know few men who spend more than an hour getting ready for work while I know few women who spend less than an hour doing the same).
The fact of the matter is, women generally keep their feminine instincts on the job and in society, while also competing with men in the areas where men feel more natural. Production of things, getting tasks done, working on one thing and then moving to the next, is all very natural to men. Women are also extremely efficient at getting things done, but they experience a need to approach those tasks with care for the well-being or comfort of others. That is where men and women differ greatly within the work place. Clearly, however, getting things done while simultaneously caring for others creates a far more complicated process than managing either goal alone. Nevertheless, because output, regardless of anyone's comfort, is so often the sole measure of a job well-done, women have to compete with men, and sometimes must be cold and uncaring, to be given respect.
The work world has been so dominated by male thinking, in fact, most of the time there is an assumption by both men and women that the best way to get things done is by being cold and indifferent to the needs of people. In fact, when a man behaves in an indifferent fashion while getting things done he's considered very direct. On the other hand, the same actions from a woman, even if they lead to the same outcome, make her a b----, right? Truly, the balance expected from women in these kinds of jobs is amazing, and when someone sees a woman managing that balance it is also truly impressive. The woman who successfully masters the incredible feat of balancing care with authority is often a marvel in production and efficiency, as her workers respect her, get things done, and yet feel that their needs have been considered. The fact is, most workers will respond best to a caring management style as long as they also remain aware that there will definitely be consequences for inadequate work.
It is also quite obvious that in an increasing number of jobs today, being cold and indifferent is not generally the best course of action in supervision because the treatment of the customer is so directly related to how workers are treated by their boss. As our culture becomes increasingly service oriented, it is actually the care and comfort of others that is the most important aspect of production. In a restaurant many people will have no problem waiting for their food if they are treated in a polite and kind manner. The appearance of their surroundings, and often even the presentation of the food served, will be every bit as important as the taste of the food. When picking up one's dry cleaning or if dealing with a realtor, it is often the attitude and attention to peoples' feelings that will bring the customer back, not the cleanliness of the clothes or the kind of properties available. Where workers need to handle customers, how they feel on the job is intimately involved with how the customer will feel. So, to an ever-increasing degree, the natural skills of women in being considerate to others is becoming the most important aspect of success.
Nevertheless, even though some typically feminine characteristics are beginning to garner appreciation in the work world, the mixed messages we give women from the time they are little girls continue to be severely confusing. One might think it's difficult for boys to be told they will have to support a family when they get older. It causes so much pressure. But when you think about the fact that everything we get done, and get done well, seems to happen because we know it will have to get done, then really, compared to girls, boys are given a far clearer path to follow. Boys are told "you will have to work hard to support a family some day, so you'd better be good in school, find a career, work hard, take care of business." Girls, on the other hand, want to be mommies, are encouraged to fantasize about knights in shining armor, and often picture themselves raising children while their husband will make a living and support the family. At the same time, however, girls are also expected to be at least as motivated as boys to perform in school and to find a career path of their own.
Amazingly enough, girls do take school seriously and, at least in the early years, often outperform boys. Again, a feminine characteristic helps to explain this phenomenon. It is the girls' desire to take care of feelings that makes them better students because they desire to please their parents or show others that they are "good." The boys' need for a linear understanding of the meaning of tasks, and their more self-centered nature, often makes them falter academically until they find a path to success that feels a good and sensible fit. Boys often do not start to perform academically until they truly see how their studies are connected to the achievements they, themselves, desire. Somehow, and amazingly so, girls manage to perform even though, really, at least from a male perspective, there really should not be much motivation for them to do so.
When women do recognize the dilemma posed in achieving for pleasing others instead of themselves, a realization which often does not occur until they have already reached the career they were so sure would be right for them, their motivation really does often disintegrate. At this point, in fact, men often cannot understand why women need their work to be fulfilling since boys have been taught to simply plug along as though fulfillment is unimportant. The difference is, however, obvious. The girl has been told she would please others by being a good student and by having a great career. She then finds a career that is either fulfilling, or that has impressed others, or both. But now, somehow, she has to manage balancing that career against what is likely a biological imperative. The issue of family, husband, and children, perhaps now reconnecting to those domestic fantasies of childhood, comes back into play just as the career path seems to be preeminent. That is, just as a woman has reached the career she has so diligently trained to pursue, now she's experiencing an intense, but competing, urge to follow the child-rearing path as she comes to notice that the "biological clock is ticking."
If a woman does decide she'd better heed that biological clock and have children, the work world is none too pleased. Even before she has children, just the possibility that she might have children will often result in a woman being treated like she's less valuable than a man. And how she'll feel once she decides to forego the career she's been diligently working toward is often not so pleasant either. When a woman decides to stay home with her children, a decision she will be told is completely valid and important, she will quickly find that it feels almost completely unappreciated. Since children are born and not built, in fact, there can be little glory or recognition for a mom outside of the baby's cuteness. Because the woman loves her baby, that recognition feels good, but it does not replace a need for recognition of one's achievements. Even worse, the woman now finds herself accountable for endless arduous tasks, and if her child does not behave as others' deem appropriate, she's now open to scorn and ridicule. The little girl's desire to please, as it lives on in the grown woman, is thus completely thwarted as whatever career achievements she attained seem a thing of the past, and her current achievements in child-rearing are only recognized to the extent that the children are pleasing to others.
Men, on the other hand, have been told all along that the primary meaning of their career would be how well they'd be able to care for their family. Thus, the boy is perfectly comfortable with the idea that their goal will be to bring in money. The man may be better off enjoying his career, but it is not absolutely necessary because the goal of bringing in money is paramount. Of course, women want to be big earners, too, but earning power is generally not their biggest concern. While the man can see his earning power as an end in itself, most women look for the lifestyle the money can buy as being far more important than the money. Essentially, the lifestyle bought with earning power takes the place of pleasing others. Others can be impressed with lifestyle, including how one adorns oneself with clothing, jewelry, homes, and cars, but also, for many women lifestyle fits well with caring for others. Providing a nice lifestyle is a caring activity, and often the "stay-at-home" mom is considered very lucky to have the opportunity to stay home and nurture her family. In that way, the women who decides that child-rearing is an important endeavor in itself, can feel good about how well they do take care of their children, which shows through the lifestyle they develop for the whole family. Unfortunately, however, in many circumstances, even the most lavishly feathered nest leads to a complete lack of fulfillment for a woman. If a woman attempts to define her own importance by her husband's status and the quality of her home, rather than what she accomplishes in that home, a complete disconnect ensues for her. If she is spending her time being a good mother, she is really accomplishing something wonderful and important. But if she attempts to act important because of who her husband is or because of the size of her home or the lifestyle she enjoys, there is absolutely no real satisfaction since there is truly and absolutely no accomplishment in being the spouse of someone else.
The woman who chooses her career over having children can also experience problems in feeling fulfilled. If she was like most (but not all) girls, someone who had badly wanted children, she cheats herself out of one of the most meaningful and legitimizing experiences a woman could know. Procreation is the primary biological imperative of all animals (clearly many couples do not desire children, but almost everyone has a desire to couple, which has no more obvious nascent purpose than procreation). Of course there are many ways for life to be fulfilling without having children, but if having children had ever been part of a woman's dream, choosing to forego child-rearing in pursuit of a career will often lead to a lack of fulfillment as the lifestyle earned from the career eventually pails in comparison to the meaning of life experienced within the connection between child and parent. If there is any truly fulfilling and meaningful experience in life, it is almost always related to connection with others in some way, and there is no more connected and bonded experience than the attachment between mother and child.
So, this article ends essentially where it began. It must be really hard to be a girl. Girls and women are tasked with the impossible in our society from the very beginning. Their natural ability to handle many things at once is probably their saving grace. But satisfaction comes hard where expectations are so overwhelming. Women are expected to please others, pursue competitive aspirations, and then give up their own independent strivings and the plaudits that come with independent achievements, to pursue the fantasy of the perfect and loving family. Or, they can continue in their strivings and have a family, too, but that requires the most complicated and singular balance (which is, nevertheless, relatively common). In their work, women will be expected to get things done like men, but they better not be too direct in their directives or they'll be considered to be a "b----." On the other hand, perhaps their sensitivity will be valuable and acknowledged as such, but only if they're also able to garner the necessary respect required to make others work. If you can only imagine the balance it would take to work with care and sensitivity while also commanding appropriate respect, then just imagine the balance it takes in returning home from that job to make the dinner, clean the house, be sensitive to one's children and husband and, essentially, to hold the whole family together. The expectations we now hold on girls and women are truly incredible. Any woman who can handle all these expectations with any kind of grace, is truly an incredible person.
So, men, and you kids too, please make sure you have the proper respect. Please, please, fully partner with your wife, and/or help your mother. Most likely, whether she's chosen to be a dedicated wife and mother, or to be great in her career without pouring herself into a family of her own, and especially if she's trying to do it all, your wife or mother is probably managing an unbelievable number of tasks at one time. In fact, when you give it serious consideration, you should really think of your wife or mother as an amazing talent. She does so much. Your respect should be mandatory. Women certainly have my respect. All I know is this, and I believe this fact to be undeniable, it is obviously and truly, really hard to be a girl.
