"Be a man!" Now that’s a phrase that brings up all sorts of feelings. Typically when it’s said, "be a man" is said as an insult. But what does it really mean? Is a "real man" someone who is always strong - someone who never wavers in his views or opinions? Is a "real man" a good provider - a person who fiercely protects his family from danger? Is a "real man" tender and forgiving - an emotional support for his family for whom he provides strength and encouragement? What is a "real man?"
Perhaps by exploring the feelings conjured up by the statement, "be a man," some light can be shed upon the importance of understanding why the statement is so much a part of our culture. It has many forms, such as "don’t be a girl," "you're gay," "don't be a sissy," "don't get your panties in a knot," and there are many, many more. The statement likely has different meanings, depending on who is making the statement to whom. It means one thing if it is a guy’s buddies, challenging him to do something daring or possibly ill-advised. "Be a man" means something quite different if it is said by a father or a mother. Parents who say this sort of thing are often trying to make a boy act more masculine or take more responsibility. However, one commonality seems to exist no matter who is making the statement. Whoever makes the statement, "be a man," is uncomfortable with what the target person is doing, and is attempting to get him to do something, or be a certain way, that is not natural for him.
When it’s the buddies saying it, their probably suggesting that the guy is a wimp if he doesn’t do the thing they're suggesting. Or maybe they're just sick of hearing their buddy express feelings. It’s probably both. Guys like to be entertained by their buddies doing foolish things that they can suggest would make them tough or cool. Then when there's a mishap or a blunder, it's a laugh riot for the rest of the guys. Boys also like to dare their pals to do things that really would be impressive, but most of the time they're expecting failure. No one wants to be shown up as less tough when they dare their friend to take a risk.
Guys can also be tough on each other when it comes to being emotional. Many guys never express any feeling that could be considered even the slightest bit vulnerable. Boys act like they can handle anything and nothing is a big problem. For many boys the only emotion that is acceptable is anger. Any other emotions make them feel vulnerable or soft, and that's an unacceptable way to feel. So, if anyone has a sad thought, or a fear, or gets hurt in any way, it is not too unusual for his buddies to act like he's weak. Essentially then, when one's buddies say "be a man," the statement suggests "do what I say and shut up about it, so we can all act tough" or, "I don’t want to hear about any feelings because maybe I’m just as vulnerable as you."
When it’s the parents saying "be a man," it is likely most damaging. Of course kids look to their parents for guidance. Kids are generally desperate for their parents’ love. So when a parent makes any kind of sharp comment, no matter what type, it is heard loud and clear by the child and it's felt in his very bones (even if he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it, which is even more likely to happen if the comments are heard regularly). The comment "be a man" actually suggests to the boy that he is acting like a girl or a woman. For some reason, perhaps based on male dominance in our culture, there is really no comment that could express more disgust and disrespect to a boy. Really, for the boy who hears this comment from his parents, "be a man" is about as close to total rejection as his parents could get.
Now why would a parent say such a thing? It is interesting to note that we generally pay most attention to those aspects in others about which we feel most uncomfortable or vulnerable. Within our children this phenomenon is even more stark because we believe everything they do reflects upon us. It is not only true about their masculinity. We also feel our children's intelligence, quickness, respectfulness, and almost any other personal attribute you might think of, are a direct reflection on our character. With respect to manliness, our feelings can be especially sensitive. Many men feel that their manhood is constantly being challenged, so they avoid any behavior within themselves that could be even remotely associated with femininity. When such a man sees his boy act in a way that makes him feel vulnerable, weak, or feminine, he will often immediately criticize the boy to stamp out those feelings within himself. He may act as if making sure that the boy acts "like a man" will make it clear that he, as the father, is plenty manly himself.
Mothers also have feelings of vulnerability that cause this cruel behavior toward their boys. For mothers, however, the problem is more in the arena of the criticism they fear for raising a feminine boy. Many women are desperate to have their mothering be unassailable. Although it hurts any mother to have her maternal instincts too closely examined, some mothers cannot stand for there to be any possibility that they might be doing something incorrect. That factor, combined with our society’s deep seated fear of homosexuality, makes any seemingly feminine behavior in a woman’s son dreadfully intolerable due to how that behavior would reflect on the mother’s mothering. A boy's feminine behavior often makes a mother feel guilty if she feels she has not allowed the boy to be independent. Similar to the cruel behavior seen in the man with his son when he sees feminine behavior that brings question to the man’s own manhood, the mother can become cruel and question her boy’s manliness when her mothering is brought into question.
Interestingly, in a way, these kinds of comments likely have the opposite effect to what is intended by the friends or parents who say "be a man." If there is any one trait that could most fully be associated with being "a man" it would be independence. In the traditional model for families, grown women are often focused on caring for family, and adult men are focused on making sure the family has what it needs. Making sure the family has what it needs requires "a man" to go out and get what the family needs without allowing for too much interference from the influence of others. But emasculating comments tell a boy to stop being independent and do what the friends or parents seem to need. It may seem strange to think possible, but when the boy actually gives in to "be a man" type comments, he is becoming less of "a man." Boys who give in to the demands of their friends for fear of being "wimpy" typically behave in a way that is irresponsible. But the fact that a consummate "man" is a responsible man is unquestionable. Boys who fear their father’s masculine wrath will often submerge that fear, and the weakness associated with that fear, and turn it into criticism of other boys they deem to be "wimpy." On the other hand, when a boy doubts he can ever be masculine enough to please his father, it is not too uncommon for him to reject the very manliness the father is trying to foist upon him. If a boy is unable to identify with his father due to the father's lack of acceptance, he might actually seem to take on more feminine characteristics as he turns to his mother for identification. Boys who find it impossible to differentiate themselves from their mothers due to their mothers’ critiques, and a desire to chase her approval, either become more feminine to identify with her and please her, or become angry at women in general as the only way to finally differentiate as males.
No matter how one looks at it, the comment (or others like it) "be a man" is harmful at best, and at worst has the opposite effect from what must be intended by those who say it. Men are independent and responsible, and have both assertive and nurturing tendencies. A balance of these attributes is necessary in making the "real man." Friends often simply want to have some fun teasing or daring someone to do something foolish. They want to accentuate their toughness and often try to do so by diminishing the masculinity of others. Parents often want their boys to be especially masculine for fear of what others will think of their parenting. Strangely, criticizing a boy's masculinity can turn him toward more feminine interests if he feels he can't fit in with the boys, or if he can't be like dad, or if he tries especially hard to please a critical mom and thus tries to become like her. One way or the other, comments like "be a man" clearly have little to do with the person to whom they're said. Almost always, such comments involve the inadequate and vulnerable feelings of the person who makes the statement. Friends who are real friends won't try to diminish each other with humiliating quips. Parents who are capable of staying focused on their love for their child won't express their own insecurities by emasculating a son. What we really want from our boys is that they be themselves and show that they can be counted on. Since independence and responsibility are the real hallmarks of manhood, real friends and good parents will encourage a boy to be who he wants to be, and to be careful, they will not challenge him to "be a man."
