Most relationship problems involve relatively simple differences in preferences or conflicting styles of communication. Typically, better understanding is the key to making the relationship healthier. But, on the other hand, there are some personality styles that just don’t mix in a relationship. Really, to put it plainly, these opposing personality styles simply cannot communicate. To make matters worse, much of the time these opposing personality styles are mutually attracted. Initially, disparate styles can lead to incredible excitement. In the long run, however, many people wonder how they could have ever gotten involved. They often become so miffed by their partner’s infuriating habits that they can’t imagine how it would be possible to overcome their current conflicts. Basically, there are three primary levels of character style that correspond to three levels of personality development, the "Responsible," the "Independent/Passionate," and the "Hungry/Controller" (In this article, I refer to certain types in the male or female form for convenience and clarity, but all types can be either male or female).
The "Responsible" individual's main motivation in life is to avoid deeply hurting those they love (through taking care of every possible daily concern and/or through always looking for ways to help – both of these types are often perceived to be perfectionistic, controlling, and/or patronizing and have great overlap with the Obsessive Compulsive Personality – see article in section IV). The "Responsible" person in a couple is the personality type for whom self-help books are written since at least one partner in any relationship has to be responsible enough to obtain that self-help book. Unfortunately, self-help books sometimes have little utility because "Responsible" type personalities are often paired with one of the other two types (to whom normal "responsible" thinking seems naive and weak). "Responsible" types are typically observed to be hard-working, if not obsessive, about work. They care tremendously about what other people think, even though they hold their own values in higher esteem. Some "Responsible" types can be very out-spoken while others are very ingratiating, but either way, they have enough confidence to think freely about what they’re told (even when they don’t choose to act on it).
The main personality objective of the "Independent/Passionate" personality is to prove that no one controls her. This tendency is either shown by a constant need to do the opposite of what has been proposed, or by initially agreeing to do things but then consistently failing to follow through. Either way, the "Independent/Passionate" person often seems to be filled with resentment or anger, even though may present as very kind and shy or very cute and sociable (or bossy and sociable). One of the hallmarks of the "Independent/Passionate" is the tendency to become very emotional about many things. Those that initially agree to do things and then fail to follow through are often passionate about everything except their relationships. Those that typically oppose what is expected tend to use mock passion (or drama) to avoid intimacy or to avoid real feelings in relationships.
Finally, there is the "Hungry/Controlling" personality. The "Hungry/Controlling" personality has less self-control and rarely does anything in moderation. Many of his actions are meant to fill some emptiness or exact some vengeance, and he feels those actions are absolutely necessary to his self-preservation. His actions are typically controlling in the extreme, or unctuously influential, as his needs are experienced to be so overwhelming as to throw him into desperate dominant behavior or obsequiousness. While the "Independent/Passionate" fears that others seek to control her, the "Hungry/Controlling" personality experiences so little self-control that he grasps at every bit of control over others that he can extract, impose or exploit. His presentation can be charismatic, bossy, desperate, or needy, but is rarely observed to be calm or relaxed (although feigned calm or complete indifference are often utilized to create an impression or to bolster influence).
Given that there are three levels of personality development, there are, of course, three combinations of these types, as well as the possibility that each type can find someone in her own category. Thus there are six types of couples initially derived from the three levels of personality development. In each of the paragraphs below, I will discuss the areas of difficulty each of the six kinds of couples is likely to experience. I will also give general hints about how to adjust interaction so that these relationships can become healthier. Sometimes, very simple adjustments can help in bringing about great change.
When each of the types stays with its own kind, it is easy to predict the most likely areas of difficulty. Two "Responsible" types will likely fight over the "right" way to do things. If they do not tend to get into conflicts over who is "right," the relationships of "Responsible" couples will, alternately, tend to stagnate with no real passion or even interest because "Responsible" types are so careful not to hurt others with their more intense emotions.
Two "Independent/Passionates" will constantly struggle over control, as each of them constantly perceives the other as trying to control, and neither of them realizes that he or she truly has complete control over him or herself. That is, all of us control ourselves, but we simply make choices, given the likely consequences, about whether or not we will do as others ask or expect (so that it doesn’t matter if anyone tries to control us unless the consequences are so dire that we must do what others want). In essence, every individual is ultimately free, but "Independent/Passionates" believe they must control or be controlled.
A relationship with two "Hungry/Controlling" personalities is likely to be extremely exciting and filled with fireworks until, ultimately, it ends in a nuclear meltdown. The continuation of the "Hungry/Controlling" relationship requires that each partner must have absolute control over the other who is only being used, and often abused, in the mind of the other or in reality, which makes such continuation chaotic in the extreme. If it just so happens that two "Hungry/Controllers" have perfectly complementary interests – that is, if they can each have the other in a position where they are using or abusing the other in a way that suits each of them – then they can have a lasting relationship. Nevertheless, abuse and exploitation are always ugly and messy, and any lasting relationship between two "Hungry/Controlling" individuals is likely to disintegrate at any time.
An interesting and extremely pertinent phenomenon should be mentioned here. It is frequently found that one partner moves into another position when two of the same personality levels come together, thus leading to the appearance that the partners are much more different than they actually are. This occurs because relationships require some complementarity for stability, and such complementarity is often difficult to negotiate when two personalities communicate at the same emotional level. The most frequent example is within the "independent/passionate" couple. Often one partner has, throughout their life, sought attention through seeking special treatment, acting wild, and taking little responsibility, for fear that they were ultimately very ordinary and also crucially responsible for extreme conflict between two parental figures. When this partner meets another who is even more dominant in those traits, and falls in love with their perfect match, it becomes natural to complement those behaviors with accommodation. Accommodation with resentment, amazingly, fits perfectly with an "independent/passionate" personality type, just as flirty, wild behavior does. In fact, when someone behaves flirty and wild and irresponsible, it's quite natural to act accommodating to please, yet resentful due to feeling insulted for lack of recognition. It is also quite natural to behave in a wild and irresponsible way when one's partner acts accommodating and appreciative of wild, irresponsible behavior, which is the typical scenario in spite of the resentment that develops because of it. Similar patterns of style switching between different types who share the same emotional communication level can be observed in the "Responsible" couple (moving from being rigid to ingratiating or vice versa) and the "Hungry/Controller" couple (in a variety of ways, for example moving from condescending and aloof to controlling and dramatically clinging or vice versa).
There are, of course, three other couple combinations derived from each of the emotional communication levels meeting up with either of the other two.
When a "Responsible" person becomes involved with an "Independent/Passionate" type, it is typical for the "Independent/Passionate" to appear to be in control. He makes demands for fear of being the one controlled, and the "Responsible" person typically makes adjustments since she is not so sensitive to being controlled. Unfortunately, the "Responsible" person starts to feel downtrodden and abused, but continues to feel like complaining is inappropriate and weak. Meanwhile, the "Independent/Passionate" is not satisfied with the lack of control attempted by the "Responsible," since he generally finds meaning in relationships by wresting control from some other. If these patterns continue, most likely someone will become significantly depressed, anxious, angry or otherwise emotionally handicapped to the point that the relationship will end, or some kind of therapy (psychotropic or psychotherapeutic) will become necessary.
If the "Responsible" type wants to change things with the "Independent/Passionate," she needs to express emotions more spontaneously. She can get the "Independent/Passionate" to be more responsible by allowing the "Independent/Passionate" to truly see how his actions affect her very deeply. When the "Independent/Passionate" sees the "Responsible" feeling truly sad or upset, he will feel responsible (and maybe guilty), which helps build responsibility in the "Independent/Passionate." Since the "Responsible" has so much self-control, however, sometimes it can even be helpful to get angry. While hurt and sad feelings help build closeness and a feeling of responsibility in the relationship, anger helps create a boundary that says "I will not let you treat me in a way that is not consistent with how I see myself."
When the "Responsible" joins a "Hungry/Controlling" person, the relationship becomes very "co-dependent" very quickly. That is, the "Hungry/Controller" sucks up all the willing tendency of the "Responsible" and keeps sucking until the "Responsible" feels "crazy" (again, I’m talking about significant emotional problems necessitating intervention). The "Responsible" will tend to feel like it is his duty to continue because to set up appropriate boundaries would be seen as too cruel or too costly (imagine allowing someone to be abusive to you because she might fall apart if you don’t, and that might result in leaving your children without their mother). The "Hungry/Controller" doesn’t intentionally deflate others, it’s just that she never feels satisfied, and thus her emotional emptiness creates an emotional vacuum. In order to combat starvation (or inadequacy, lack of confidence, or vulnerability), the "Hungry/Controller" feels a need to be dominant, in control, and revered. Since the "Responsible" doesn’t feel the need to be so dominant, he doesn’t fight over it. He also comes to the relationship thinking others will play fair, and he never gives up hope that others will play fair. The "Hungry/Controller," on the other hand, assumes no one will play fair and plays to win at all times, often resorting to manipulation. Eventually, such a relationship is headed for disaster, as the "Responsible" gets warn down after trying to provide or take care of everything, and the "Hungry/Controller" never feels sustained by, or in control of, the "Responsible" because the "Responsible" will not allow access to their inner self. The "Responsible" always appears to be in control of himself, and the "Hungry/Controller" can only experience control by seeing the "Responsible" lose self-control.
To change the relationship, similar to the case of the "Responsible" who is with an "Independent/Passionate," emotions must be more spontaneous, thus giving the Hungry/Controller" what she needs to sustain herself. But because the "Hungry/Controller" can be so toxic in her responses, it can be necessary to emphasize the angry boundary-making response, rather than the intimacy-building hurt and sad response (unfortunately, many "Hungry/Controller" types are too volatile to handle an intimate relation acting angry – that is, if such a person has a history of violence it may be necessary to get out of the relationship rather than fix it).
Finally, there is the "Independent/Passionate" - "Hungry/Controller" relationship. Such a relationship will often cause fireworks, almost to the same degree as two "Hungry/Controller" personalities getting together. Some stability can be found in these relationships, however, because the "Independent/Passionate" often takes a more responsible role and behaves much like a "Responsible" personality. Nevertheless, such relationships are typically fraught with constant arguing as the "Independent/Passionate" tries to be very controlling with the "Hungry/Controller" who will not be controlled. The most common cases of extreme co-dependency involve an "Independent/Passionate" who is with a "Hungry/Controller." Such an "Independent/Passionate" is typically in very bad need of taking care of someone because that is how they experience control, while the "Hungry/Controller" is always needing more and more care (care that makes them feel like they’re controlling the "Independent/Passionate) which results in their behavior spinning out of control (although such a person may become addicted to something, their behavior is typically out of control in many ways in addition to the abuse of substances).
The basic cure for such a relationship is in making boundaries in any way possible. The "tough love" approach was largely founded as a result of the need to move completely in the opposite direction of co-dependency. The ideal in the long run for any relationship is a balance where one can do for the other without worrying about it being taken the wrong way or contributing to other problems. But, with tough love, the "Independent/Passionate" must become strict in the extreme in her guidelines as she makes sure that she never contributes to the difficulties of the "Hungry/Controller" by making things seem alright or allowing anything less than responsible behavior (again, dangerousness must be considered).
Although understanding these disparate types of personalities, and the combination of the three in relationship, might be quite confusing at first, identification of the patterns can lead to quick understanding. Personality types may change in relation to one another, but the basic needs of the personality type, which can be found in the emotional communication level ("Responsible," "Independent/Passionate," or "hungry/controller"), must be satisfied if any relationship is to last. Relationships of any kind require that the particular needs of the personality (which is not necessarily what individuals think they want) are satisfied. Some personality types require a partner who opposes them, or who is often difficult, or who will be dominant, or who will be submissive, even if they are unaware of needing those attributes in their partner. As a person identifies the kind of relationship he or she is in, or which type of individual they are with, clarity can be found about how to either adjust within the relationship or, when necessary, how it is necessary to get out of the relationship. If you are in a relationship that is anything other than a "Responsible" relationship, outside help, that is psychotherapy, will most likely be necessary to bring about desired change. Of course, even the "Responsible" couple often requires such outside help to comprehend how basic personality dynamics cause difficulties in relating.
