Poised for a much needed change in your communication with someone very important to you? Do you and your partner, or maybe even you and your child, know what you do that makes the other react with anger or sadness? Does it seem like the only barrier between where you are and where you want to be is the inability to prevent or control the behaviors or attitudes that get you started in the wrong direction? If you and the person with whom you want to communicate are unequivocally in agreement about what those behaviors and attitudes are, perhaps you can agree on a Key Signal to clue you in that the behavior has been noticed. When behaviors that cause bad reactions can be checked with a signal upon first notice, the chain reaction of negative communication that is typically initiated can often be avoided.
A Key Signal is a word or hand sign that is used covertly to signal another person that a behavior has been noticed. If two people agree in advance that they each will stop a particular behavior or attitude when given the Key Signal, then the chain reaction of behaviors that are typically triggered by that behavior can be averted. If a word is to be used, it is important that the word be considered neutral by each party. It is especially useful if the word is humorous. Examples of words that have been used by my clients include "bubble," "tiddly winks," "tug boat," and "bananas." When stealth is especially important in the process, that is, when it is important that no one else in the vicinity is aware of the communication, a hand Key Signal is especially useful. People have used signs like pulling their ear lobe or touching the top of their own heads. With stealth in mind, it can be important that the sign be simultaneously noticeable and inconspicuous. An example of a furtive Hand Key Signal that works especially well when privacy is preferred is scratching one's shoulder with the hand from the opposite side of the body (scratching left shoulder with right hand). Of course, it's easy to invent an endless number of hand signals for covert use, or any other kind of Key Signal. It is the agreement on when to use Key Signals that is truly critical. Before we can understand what constitutes a good agreement on when to use a Key Signal, however, it is necessary to discuss our understanding of negative communications.
Most hurtful behavioral chains start with intense feelings and impulsive, thoughtless response. In such circumstances, Key Signals become an essential tool for circumventing an escalation of destructive communications. Key Signals are necessary when automatic responses have become so habitual that we are unable to notice them or stop them from happening without someone else letting us know about them. Reactions that seem negative or intense are largely a response to the perception of being attacked, and then the feeling that we must defend ourselves. We often react before we even know we've reacted when the actions of others seem to have personal impact. We then act like we have an "attitude" or we become angry. Once one person has responded with attitude or anger, the other person moves to defend with either a response meant to repel the other, or a response meant to defend against the attitude or anger. From there, the all too familiar spiral of negative and hurtful communication takes flight as each person attempts to strengthen their position in relation to the other. All too often, unfortunately, this spiraling flight of defensive behaviors escalates into complete chaos.
Even after two people agree on how a particular chain reaction of behaviors is triggered, and even when they want to try their very best to avoid those behaviors, they typically continue to react automatically in the same ways they always have. Thus, even though they really no longer desire to react in the same hurtful ways, they get into the same troubles they always have. The Key Signal helps those who are dedicated to preventing this awful spiral of angry and resentful power struggling, refrain from the behaviors that fuel it.
Of course there are some important potential roadblocks to relational progress when using Key Signals. The most common obstacle is when the two parties, although acting as though they are truly dedicated to change, are not really in agreement about what causes the problem. If one partner tells the other that they become insulting at times when they believe they know the best way to handle situations, the partner being told may actually agree and apologize. They might even state that they will try to be better and that the partner indicating that they've been harmed can use a Key Signal to let them know they have started engaging in that insulting behavior. However, the fact that they have agreed that what they do is hurtful is not really enough. In order to accept use of the Key Signal, such a person has to actually understand and feel that their behavior is wrong and uncalled for. They also need to believe there will be no harm to them if they stop the insulting behavior. Most of the time, however, as indicated above, the reason for the negative behavior is some sense of harm that either has already taken place or that will take place if they don't react with the "insulting" behavior. It is quite likely that the insulting party engages in that behavior for fear of being insulted themselves or because they feel they've already been insulted. Alternately, as in the case of someone who thinks they know the one and only way to do things right, a person can believe there will be an awful crisis if something is done incorrectly.
For Key Signals to be effective, each party who agrees to stop their negative behaviors must recognize that the targeted behavior is unjustified. They could be right in feeling that they have not been treated well in the past. They might be right in assessing that things could go badly if not done their way. Either way, however, they must see that the escalating spiral of negative behaviors does not help and will not help. They must see that the escalation in behavior is actually worse than the level of hurt they feel or the level of problem that will occur due to things being done differently than they want. It helps if both partners also commit to talking things out and really trying to gain an understanding of each other, but it is the willingness to stop the behavior that is of most concern when using Key Signals. If a person feels so upset that they truly believe their attitude or anger is justified enough to create escalating negativity, they will never abide by the Key Signals no matter how much they have agreed to do so. In order to actually respond to a Key Signal a person typically needs to truly understand their motivations. It might be quite difficult, to continue our example, for a person to see that they have a need to be in control which results in insulting or officious remarks. Simply stated, however, if they cannot see their motivations, they will continue to feel a need to be critical and bossy because they will feel their behaviors are justified.
Another significant problem in using Key Signals is that people often start to feel the Key Signal itself has inadvertently become an insult. If a person does not see and understand their own behavior, when they hear or see the signal, they view it as a personal attack. When attacked, of course, most people will respond defensively. A perceived attack is typically the reason the unwanted negative behavior has developed in the first place. The defensive response to the Key Signal then leads to the same spiraling behavior that has always occurred. Overuse of the Key Signal may not only result in the Key Signal being perceived as an inadvertent insult, but also will likely make people believe the Key Signal is intentionally being used as an insult or maybe even as a means of control. Using the Key Signal can be interpreted as "you loser, you're doing it again," or "hah, I've got you now because you've agreed not to act that way and I can act any way I want." Key Signals must be used sparingly or they will quickly lose all utility. Again, there can never be enough talk about when and why, or even how often, the Key Signals are to be used.
In cases where the Key Signal being used will, in itself, be interpreted as an insult, one way to avoid such misinterpretation is to actually give the Key Signal a specific interpretation. Instead of the Key Signal simply meaning "stop that thing you do that makes us/me get upset," a meaning can be given to the Key Signal that ensures it will not be taken as an insult or a criticism. Most of the time, the best meaning for the Key Signal is "I'm hurt, please be careful." If someone tells a loved one that they have done something hurtful, it is rare that they continue to act in a hurtful manner. That is especially true if they have already agreed that the behavior is hurtful. Of course, Key Signals are not only used for hurtful behaviors, so many meanings can be given. Examples would be, "I'm scared," "I'm uncomfortable," or "I am worried what people think." The one commonality each of these Key Signal meanings has is that none of them indicates blame. Rather, the meaning of the Key Signal must be a statement about the mental state of the person using it, and not a meaning that suggests the one being given the Key Signal is wrong or bad. "That behavior hurts me" is a far better communication for maintaining good relationships than "You have bad, hurtful, behavior," which is truly insulting and clearly suggests blame.
In fact, the meaning given to the Key Signal may just be it's most important attribute. Where once a negative behavior was met with an equally defensive response, with Key Signals the new meaning is one that is a healthy response. When a person does something that hurts us, it is so so difficult to say that we're hurt or why we're hurt. The Key Signal makes it possible to say that we're bothered without saying the other person is a bother. If the meaning of the Key Signal is one that clearly shows responsibility for stating our pain rather than one that seems to be an aggressive or controlling ploy, then the person receiving the Key Signal can truly start to understand their effect upon others. At the same time, the Key Signal is much easier to communicate than it would be to actually say "I'm hurt," or "I'm uncomfortable," or "I'm worried what people are thinking." When the Key Signal is given an appropriate, responsible, and vulnerable meaning, it simultaneously promotes real communication and prevents negativity.
Finally, it is important for each party to the Key Signal to review how the Key Signal will be used. In reviewing together, it can be very helpful to role-play various scenarios of the behaviors occurring, or at least to examine them as hypothetical situations. If both people are truly in agreement, then everything will be well-understood and prepared for, and defensive responses should not occur. Role-playing scenarios is extremely useful for anyone trying to use Key Signals. When using Key Signals with children, however, role-playing is absolutely essential. Children really do not generally understand why they react the way they do. When their defensive behavior leads to escalating negativity, children not only have less insight than adults, but they also have less self-control. Role-playing with them often leads to better understanding of their motivations so that they can truly agree without feeling as though the adults around them are asking for yet one more thing.
Key Signals are a fabulous tool when two individuals agree that certain actions between them must change. They are by far the most useful when there is clear understanding of the problem and the motivations behind the behaviors which cause escalating behavioral negativity between two people. Key Signals help people get past the intense volatility of extreme emotions by bringing clear communication into the picture before old patterns of poor communication can take hold and a situation morphs into chaos. Key Signals can say with a simple word or sign the things that words fail to say. Instead of insulting meanings being drawn from one's behavior, the behavior's effect on the other is quickly and appropriately understood. So many people are afflicted by negatively chained interactions that are simply caused by a failure of understanding, which makes Key Signals a supremely powerful tool for bringing clarity to communication. When Key Signals are introduced, they can lead to far more loving interactions. When you're in a relationship poised for positive change, but you just can't seem to let go of old adverse patterns, Key Signals might just be the key. If you're ready for a positive change, and so is your partner or your child, act right now and get a jump start on change, making use of this essential tool, Key Signals.
