"I" Statements are perhaps the most commonly endorsed communication tool for relationships in existence. That makes perfect sense. "I" Statements are one of the most important communication tools we have for developing effective communication. When there's a problem in communication related to feelings (as opposed to a lack of grammatical clarity, form, style, or enunciation), one culprit is typically found lurking. "I" Statements, when used correctly, can completely expose and redress the culprit. That culprit, the buggy little varmint, is blame.
When people are told they've done something wrong, they typically become defensive. Most people don't like to think they're wrong even when it has nothing to do with blame. When we think someone is finding fault with us, however, we simply just can't stand being wrong. In a way, that's a good thing. Thank goodness most people don't want to do wrong or hurt others. When we get defensive, in a way we're just saying we don't want to hurt anyone. Yet the fact is, people do hurt each other. Most of the time, it's really not intentional. When we want to tell someone they've hurt us, we want to do so because we hope they really didn't want to hurt us. If the reason for telling someone they've hurt us is, thus, to resolve some issue, then there should be significant interest in expressing a hurt in a way that can help. Successful communication of feelings requires that blame be minimized so that the communication can be accepted.
That is the main purpose of the "I" Statement. It is designed to express a feeling responsibly and without blame, so that it can be accepted and answered without defensiveness. "I" statements have three primary elements, each of which helps to prevent feelings of blame. Although one person starts a communication with an "I" statement, the process works best when two people have agreed in advance to make use of "I" statements. First, the feelings experienced by the the party who wants to communicate needs to be connected to an objectively described circumstance or behavior. Second, the communicator needs to take responsibility for his or her own feelings. These first two elements are very frequently put together in one sentence and can be in any order. In the third element (which is only part of the sequence if both parties have agreed to use "I" statements in advance), the party to whom the "I" statement is being made reflects back what has been said as accurately as possible.
While this process seems simple at first, give it a try and you will quickly find that taking responsibility for feelings without assigning blame is much more difficult than one might think. It is also strangely difficult to connect your feelings with an objectively described behavior or circumstance. In fact, it is generally also very difficult to accurately reflect back what has been said. Constructing a really good "I" statement communication is actually fairly difficult at first. Only practice makes useful use of "I" statements possible. In that vein, perhaps some examples would be helpful.
Example 1
Man: When you came into the room, I felt irritated because I perceived you to be stomping and possibly upset with me.
Woman: I understand you to be saying that you felt irritated when I walked in because you perceived me to be stomping and possibly mad at you.
Example 2
Woman: When you said you were going out to do the lawn, I felt so angry because I thought we were finally going to spend some time together.
Man: You're saying you felt really angry when I said I was going out to do the lawn because you badly wanted to spend time together.
Example 3
Man: I heard you ask me to help you hang the pictures and I felt really frustrated and mad because I had already told you I wanted to get to my tennis match and it seemed like you didn't care.
Woman: You're saying you got upset when I asked you to help hang the pictures because it seemed to you like I didn't care about what you wanted to do.
Example 4
Woman: When you were asking me about how I paid the bills, I started getting really ticked off because it seemed to me like you were acting as though I have no idea what I'm doing.
Man: So, you're saying you felt insulted by me when I was asking about how you do the bills because it seemed to you like I was acting as though you don't know what you're doing.
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The most important points to make in reviewing these examples is that it is avoiding blame and defensiveness that is paramount, which makes the objective description of behavior a must.
1. With respect to blame, instead of saying (from example 4) "you really ticked me off," you have to say "I started getting really ticked off." Instead of saying (again, from example 4), "you acted like I don't know what I'm doing," you have to say "it seemed like you were acting as though I don't know what I'm doing." Qualifying oneself and softening how things are said may be a poor communication technique for getting business done at the workplace, but within relationships doing so helps the listener feel less blamed.
2. With respect to defensiveness, it is important that the reflection back to the initiator of the communication must not immediately jump to disproving the initial communication. Instead of saying (from example 3), "you know I always let you do what you want," you have to acknowledge what has been communicated by saying "it seemed to you like I didn't care about what you wanted to do." Instead of saying (from example 1), "I wasn't stomping or mad – you're the one who...," you have to say "you perceived me to be stomping and possibly mad at you." Although it can be quite difficult to use "I" statements well, if they can be performed without blame or defensiveness, and as objectively as possible, they will be successful.
Quite often, the next step after a successful "I" statement is a new "I" statement. In example 2, after the man has successfully reflected the woman's communication, he might say "I can tell that you want to spend a lot of time together, and I like that too, but sometimes I feel really squeezed by all my time constraints and I feel pressured by you saying you have a need for more of my time." To which the woman would correctly reflect, "you're saying that me saying I need more of your time makes you feel pressured, like you just can't get everything done." As you can see, it is not as if any one "I" statement can be expected to resolve an entire issue. Some issues go truly deep inside people's views of themselves and how they perceive things in relationships. With "I" statements, a positive chain of effective communications can be initiated that actually leads to resolve, without the traumatizing chain of bad communications that prevent accurate understanding.
If a couple has trouble making headway with "I" statements, it is likely that competition within the couple short-circuits the desire to be fair. People are often so caught up in the desire to win, they lose all faith in any give and take. We come to believe that the same patterns that have always occurred mean that the other person just wants their way, and so we become stuck on getting our way as well. We believe we are right, but we do not believe the other person will ever understand. Thus, when we complain, we attack and when we hear a complaint, we defend. Instead of using communication that suggests something like, "please understand me – I know you'll try," we communicate, "I am right and you are wrong, so do what I say or you're a jerk." If two people who are trying to communicate behave as though they need to win, no level of "I" statements will ever lead to resolve.
All interpersonal communication is a bit like playing catch. In couples there is a tacit assumption that each partner is willing to play. When we speak, it's as though we've thrown a ball expecting our partner will catch it. Competitive communication, however, leads to wild pitches and bean balls that are impossible to catch, and thus no communication is accomplished. Sometimes when one partner is defensive, its as though they block the ball away instead of catching it, or maybe they don't even lift their hands to catch. When we're trying to communicate, though, we can be somewhat insistent, especially if we believe there really should be an agreement that our partner will cooperate. So, when the ball is blocked or dropped, we throw the ball again. We think, "hey, she's right here with me, why won't she catch the ball?" Or when our partner throws especially errant and wild pitches, we might think, "wow, if he wants me to catch the ball, why in heck is he throwing it at me like he's trying to knock me out of the game?" "I" statements simply make it possible to have a satisfactory game of catch in which the ball is always thrown to be caught, and even if the ball is dropped, it's fielded relatively quickly and then tossed back gently with hope that it will be caught the next time.
"I" statements can also be useful even when two people do not agree in advance to use them. Because "I" statements clearly communicate a feeling without blame, even if only one person in a relationship uses them, it is much more likely that healthy communications will follow. Because the "I" statement takes responsibility and attempts objectivity, the listener is far less likely to become defensive. Although the responder might not be able to respond in a reflective manner, if the person using "I" statements continues to respond to each new communication from the responder with a new "I" statement, the responder will be much less likely to escalate any negative feelings they might be experiencing. They might catch the ball clumsily and throw it back a bit too fast, but if an "I" statement is used well, it's almost a reflexive response to catch and toss.
"I" statements are an amazing tool for getting passed everyday blame and defensiveness that exists in almost every relationship. In order to use them well, each member of a couple must have a loving spirit so that they can literally practice stating their upsets without blame and as objectively as possible. In order to listen and respond to "I" statements in a healthy manner, it is necessary to reflect your understanding of what's been said without defensiveness. If couples need to "win" their arguments, rather than attempting to see that a compromise through mutual understanding is possible, they will never become good at using "I" statements. With honor and respect, however, and with an effort to treasure one another as cherished companions, "I" statements might just be one of the most important communication tools you'll ever acquire. Use "I" statements consistently and with care, and though it might be difficult to do so well at first, with the right spirit you'll soon feel practiced in using "I" statements, just as if you're playing an effortless, but very advantageous, game of field and toss.
