It is not just a matter of fairness. I hear that it is a lot. The man in the couple says, "It really isn’t a problem for me when she goes out...she should go out just as much as I do." The woman says, "If he loves me and wants to be with me, like I do him, he would not have to go out so much." Both parties are sure they are being completely fair. They both assume they are being completely rational.
In fact, they are being fair and rational. Both members of this couple expect only that the other live by his or her fair standards. The man really means it when he says he wouldn’t be upset if she went out. She really feels like she loves him to stay home so much that, if he loved her back, then he would want to stay home, too. Where they are failing in their "fairness" is in failing to understand the logic of connection and the logic of independence.
Although the genders do not always go in the directions depicted above (and the two sides will be presented here in a much more all or nothing way than is really the case), it is very common for women to emphasize connection while men emphasize independence. When they are upset, women want to hash it out and work toward understanding. When men are upset, they want to do something active to forget about it. The man wants to show his love by being a good provider and thinking about the physical needs of his loved one's. The woman believes that love involves care for one's emotions as shown by thoughtfulness, coziness, and depth of understanding. While a typical man prides himself on knowing his own thinking, many women pride themselves on intuiting what others are thinking. Plainly stated, men emphasize and cultivate independence while demonstrating that they care by taking care of business, and women develop and nurture connectedness while demonstrating their care through paying close attention to others’ needs and feelings.
One of the best examples of this dichotomy in thinking involves the after hours pharmacy. The scenario goes like this: a parent discovers that his or her child is out of a medicine without which he will become extremely sick. Unfortunately, all the pharmacies are closed. In picking from possible ways to deal with this sticky situation, men most often allowed their child to become sick while reproaching themselves for lacking forethought and emphasizing responsibility and the need to obey laws. Women, alternately, indicated that they would break the window of the pharmacy after exhausting all other lawful approaches. Clearly the women felt that the well-being of the child was the most important consideration. When men were asked about their thinking, very few had even considered the option that included breaking the pharmacy’s window. The women valued caring and connectedness above all other issues, even considering a possibility that meant breaking the law. Men, on the other hand, could not reach beyond their well-honed sense of responsibility and lawful view to consider an option that would require breaking the law.
Interestingly enough, although men value independence and develop their relationships with responsibility, and women value connectedness and develop their relationships through demonstrating thoughtfulness, each often has problems in the opposite area of their strength when they are dealing with those closest to them. Men often become quite dependent upon their female counterparts for the only thoughtfulness and love they know, while women are less likely to be thoughtful toward their partners than they are toward their friends. It turns out that practicing any one way of being in a way that is not thoroughly balanced by the other, leads to opposite reactions with those with whom we are most comfortable. When we are comfortable and let our hair down, those things we value become less important than our needs in the moment. So the woman actually needs independence from her normally very thoughtful and connected ways and the man needs some closeness to counteract the independence he values so highly.
When couples talk about these issues, they rarely recognize how often they behave as though they are really the opposite of how they most often appear to be. But when a man is treated in an unthoughtful way, he is every bit as hurt as a woman would be. And when a woman isn’t allowed a certain amount of independence, she is just as likely to feel controlled as any man might complain of his wife. Likewise, women are often so torn by their connectedness to so many people, that they simply cannot do for their husband like they do for others. And men are likely so overwhelmed by taking responsibility at times that they are likely to be the least responsible when with their wife.
It is important to remember that neither view is a more correct view. Both views serve a purpose, and both views are valid. In couples we tend to balance one another. If both partners had the same view, they’d likely make each other sick. Could you imagine two members of a couple so concerned with connectedness that they rarely do anything independently. They might stop functioning productively, with both members spending their day accommodating the other without regard to making a living or having any separate interests. On the other hand, they could spend all their time in independent pursuits and find themselves with no relationship at all.
The solution to this many-sided conundrum is much more simple than it would appear. To be fair in a couple you need to extend beyond your own point of view. Fairness needs to involve becoming more like the other person and seeing things more from their point of view. Each member of a couple has to put themselves in the others’ shoes. The man has to say to himself, "if I thought connectedness was the most important thing, then I would think..." And the woman has to say to herself, "if I thought independence was the most important thing, then I would think..." If both members practice this kind of empathy, many problems soon resolve themselves. The man starts to see the pleasures of staying home. The woman starts to understand the value of going out with her friends. The man thinks of being thoughtful and understanding. The woman starts to see the value in more independence.
Healthy love within any intimate relationship tends to involve wanting what's best for one's partner, without losing sight of what's best for oneself. Every relationship strikes a different balance somewhere between independence and connection, but every relationship absolutely requires them both. If you really think about it, connection and independence actually define one another. And thus, without either one, really there can be no relationship at all.
