Isn’t it strange that most people rarely say what is really on their minds or act how they really feel? Even many of those who do practice explaining exactly how they feel often seem to lose the utility of the 95% of communication that is non-verbal because their non-verbal behavior doesn't adequately correspond to the feelings they want to express. Everyone has a constant stream of thought, and a large proportion of that thought is related to possible behavior or things to say, much of which is thwarted, avoided or controlled because it is thought to be inappropriate, unpopular, or too emotional. Only by matching what we say to how we feel, however, with behavior that reveals how we feel at least a little bit, is it possible to have clear communication. Only by expressing ourselves with clear communication that does match our behavior and our words to what we feel, can we possibly hope that others will get the correct impression of our intentions, our seriousness, or our true desires.
Unfortunately, much of the time it doesn’t even occur to us to act how we feel, or to behave in a way that reveals what we really want. I call communication that is void of feeling or passion "dead communication." Dead communication is ineffective and cold and leaves its listeners numb. The opposite of dead communication is "passionate communication." Simply put, "passionate communication" is communication from the heart. It is communication that is not only assertive (that is, communication that takes into account our needs, the needs of those with whom we wish to communicate, and the context of the situation – please see article, Assertiveness: The 30% Solution), but is also expressed with enough of the emotion that's been evoked in us to be understood in the way we really mean it. Because we often do not communicate from the heart, we often do miss out on getting what we want. We also miss out on developing satisfying relationships.
So what does it mean to express oneself passionately and with emotion. There is certainly no benefit in aggressively berating everyone with whom we disagree. And it would be equally unhelpful to have fits of sobbing and wailing every time a thoughtless word is spoken. But when we decide to say we’re hurt or angry, we can only be really heard if we say it like we mean it. Just as a parent must use some commitment in their voice when admonishing a child, other kinds of communication require a commitment of emotion. We need to tap into, but not allow a flood of, the emotion we are experiencing, and then attach it to our words when we communicate how we’re feeling. We need just a sprinkle, and sometimes a spring, for adequate communication, but typically a deluge or a thunderous waterfall merely leaves us all wet. We have to learn how to draw on some of our emotions, and use them wisely, without losing all control. We must be passionate about what we want and what we deserve, without acting as though failing to get it will be disastrous or lead to untold disaster.
Saying we're hurt by someone's actions is really the most difficult thing to say with passion. Most people don't really ever want to say they're hurt. It sounds too weak or pathetic, right? Perhaps it's something about our culture. Weakness is considered so pathetic that we hardly even have any words that mean "hurt." Most of the words we think might express hurt feelings are much more like insults. If we say we are "embarrassed" by something someone has done, then we're really saying the other person is embarrassing. If we say we are "disappointed" in someone, then we're really saying that they blew it in some way. The comments most people make when they are hurt are comments about what the other person has done. It is very rare that people comment on their hurt experience or their hurt feelings when they're hurt. If someone does want to comment on their feeling of being hurt, they will find very few words in the English language that mean "hurt." In fact, the only word for "hurt" is, well... "hurt."
The only other way to express hurt feelings without using the word "hurt" is to describe the physiological response stirred up within us. For example, we can say, "when 'x' happened, I felt like my stomach was tied in knots," or "the pressure in my head made it feel like I might explode," or "it felt like my heart was literally breaking to pieces in my chest." To communicate with passion when we're hurt, we need the other person to understand how their actions have truly impacted us. When we run out of ways to say "hurt," expressing the bodily response related to the hurt, while letting ourselves look how we really feel, often gets the point across.
Although expressing hurt feelings is not easy or simple, doing so effectively is so enormously beneficial in relationships that it is one of the most valuable skills a person can cultivate. In almost any relationship where two people care about one another, it is practically taboo or forbidden to continue on in behaviors that are known to be hurtful to the other. On the other hand, when we see that someone acts angry, we are very unlikely to worry about controlling our anger or hurtful behavior unless they scare us. And that is a big problem in relationships since most people do act angry when they get hurt. Angry behavior causes defensiveness, which is typically also angry. Because anger is a strong emotion, there is no reason to believe that we've hurt someone when they behave in an angry fashion. When we see anger, we don't take responsibility for what we've done because we feel bad about what we've done. The only reason to change our hurtful behavior when someone is angry is because they have demonstrated that they are dominant. That is, anger develops an escalation of negative behaviors in which there must be a victor – a person whose retaliation is strongest and therefore must be respected.
If our connection to another person is the most important aspect of our relationship, however, then being scared of that other person merely damages our connection. If a person acts hurt, on the other hand, and we feel badly about what we've done because we don't want to hurt them, then the connection between us is maintained and acknowledged as the most important aspect of the relationship. The act of expressing hurt develops a sense of responsibility between both members of a relationship, and nurtures the connection between them, as each person then responds by trying not to be hurtful. Angry responses may develop a sense of responsibility in some very indirect ways, but only due to fear of possible repercussions and not because of caring and connection.
With respect to anger or frustration, expressing those emotions with passion is generally extremely easy, at least as far as words are concerned. Our culture is apparently far more comfortable with the strength of anger than the vulnerability of being hurt. There are so many words that mean we're angry, it's almost ridiculous. We can be mad, irritated, riled, aggravated, annoyed, offended, outraged, and the list goes on. But expressing anger too passionately is a problem in and of itself. Several other articles I have written specifically address how problematic the expression of anger can be (for example, see The Power and Control Addiction). Too much angry behavior will, of course, turn people off and make them defensive. Angry responding rarely has a positive effect in the long run even if it might get people to back off or give in within the immediate moment. Anger can be extremely destructive when expressed without enough self-control. There are times, nevertheless, when anger needs to be expressed more passionately than it is.
When a person feels extremely uncomfortable with expressing anger, they often do so with very little passion at all. Although it is generally more disturbing for others when someone has trouble controlling their anger than when they have trouble expressing their hurts, there are many individuals who, in spite of the many words that mean we're angry, need to be much better at actually acting angry when that's how they feel. If a person tries too hard to use just the right words to express their anger, without acting angry, their communication will be unclear or "dead" to the extreme. The most significant examples come from those individuals who say they're angry when they feel angry, and they often use just the right words to state how they feel, but they smile and look pleasant when expressing that anger. If someone is angry, but is smiling and pleasant, the person who would take them seriously is a very rare find. For those who have a hard time expressing anger even when it's really necessary, while it might be useful to choose the right words to explain their position, it is absolutely 100% essential that they learn to act how they feel. If anger is to be taken seriously, it must be expressed with conviction.
So, why don't people express themselves with passion? There are, of course, many reasons, most of which are related to one's upbringing. When we're growing up we learn how to say what is "appropriate" and how to control our emotions. In essence we learn how to please Mom and/or Dad. When we are children, saying things right or wrong feels like it is directly connected to whether or not we will earn Mom's or Dad's love. This is true even in the most unconditionally loving families. That is to say, learning to hide our emotions to some extent is normal. From our brothers, and sisters, and our peers at school, we also learn what is "cool" and what will make others think we’re "losers." To kids, and even to some adults, there is nothing more painful than not fitting in. So, clearly, we cover up what we really feel, need, and think, because we want to fit in, and be loved.
Sometimes we don’t say what we really think or feel because to do so really would be inappropriate, or maybe even cause problems for which we're not prepared. Telling your boss or your neighbor your most poignant vulnerable experiences, or telling your children about how your spouse damaged your self-esteem, are clearly inappropriate revelations that would lead to rejection on one hand, and increased family strife on the other. How close or intimate we are with others, and what relation they have to us in the bigger scheme of things, clearly limits what would be wise to express. But no matter with whom we are speaking, if people frequently seem to overlook us, there can be more expressiveness, emotion, or passion in what we say.
When we’re disappointed or overwhelmed at work, our supervisors and peers are more likely to recognize what we want if our behavior reveals some of what we’re feeling. Our children are more likely to understand our expectations when we act hurt, disappointed, or angered by their behavior (but only a little, and, of course, with clear evidence that we are able to handle our feelings). Even in the most mundane aspects of social discourse, it’s beneficial to act like we feel. Our neighbors are more likely to keep their dog off our lawn if we act like it bothers us, right?
Communicating with passion, saying what we want and acting like it, allows us to have good "boundaries" and leads to clear understanding between people. "Boundaries," a concept that is rarely understood, basically means allowing others to know what you will or won’t put up with, and what you expect and would appreciate (see article, Understanding Boundaries). Basically, it means letting people know who you really are. When people can feel you through your passionate expression of your desires and upsets, as well as interests and preferences, then they are more likely to respect you. When people treat you with respect (not awe or fear), it is generally because you have made yourself clear through passionate communication. Passionate communication, that is communication from the heart, helps you, and it helps those around you, since we are all together negotiating our social terrain every day. Communicating from the heart is an absolutely essential skill for living life to the fullest. Only by learning to express yourself passionately is it possible to take your rightful and respected place within your family, at work, and in the greater community.
