BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
By Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
What would you do if your very best friend, your BFF, was in trouble?
You know how it can go sometimes. A lover breaks up with you and you
think maybe you're an ugly loser. Or maybe you're struggling to find a job, and
no one seems to want you. Maybe it's just one of those periods when it seems
like everything is difficult and you think it's because of who you are. You start
to doubt everything you once thought you knew. Have you had some times
like that? Well, imagine that's your best friend now. Maybe it's even worse.
Maybe your friend has always felt uncomfortable. It could be nervousness or
depression, and your friend reveals that they've always felt that way. Let's say
your friend has problems in the family and/or financial trouble. Maybe your
friend has been victimized, or is being victimized in some intolerable way.
What would you do for your friend? You would listen and show you
care. Right? You'd likely buy them some comforting things that would make
them happy; or you'd likely cook them a wholesome meal. I'll bet you would
give them a warm hug and hold them tight - try to radiate your warmth and
love right into their very bones. You'd try to make them feel like their ex-lover
was the loser or that the potential employers who'd passed them over had
made a stupid mistake. You'd certainly reinforce their self worth in every way
possible. You'd let them know how valuable they are to you and to others.
You'd try to build them up and get them moving. You'd want them to
exercise. You'd want them to feel strong. You'd want them to make sure they
know they can do what may become necessary if they need to change their
lives.
Of course all that is true. You know you would do all that for your best
friend. So, here is my question, and you have to take this question very
seriously. Why the heck don't you do all that for you? It might sound strange,
but you should be your own best friend. For sure you're going to be there for
the rest of your life. So, be your own BFF. You have to. It's the only thing
you could do that really makes sense.
Now I know treating yourself like you're your own best friend sounds
like it could be selfish. Or maybe it just seems like you can't do for yourself
like you can do for a friend. But why not? How can anyone be more
important to you than you? You feel your own pain, but if you're like most
other caring people, you pay more attention to the pain you empathize with in
others than you do to your own. Most people will get angry to protect
themselves or retreat when they're sad, but they never think about caring for
themselves in a deeply nurturing way. That depth of aid and tenderness most
people reserve for others. They don't even dream of doing it for themselves.
Many of these truly loving people feel isolate and feel especially alone which
makes it especially difficult to overcome their sadness, fear, and shame. If you
are thinking that being your own best friend sounds crazy, I can tell you
something that is much more disturbed. It's far more disturbed to refuse to be
your own best friend.
Not only should you, but you really need to be your own best friend.
Even if you think you should care for your own children before you care for
yourself, that does not make sense. If you've ever flown on a commercial
airplane you've heard what the flight attendants say as they speak their
mandatory safety spiel. They emphasize very clearly that, if the oxygen masks
descend, parents must put the masks on themselves before putting the masks
on their children. That's right, you are of no use to your own children unless
you care for yourself first. You are also not of much use to anyone else unless
you care for yourself first. You have to nurture and care for you if you want
to care for and nurture others.
But that is not the only reason you should take good care of yourself. It
just simply makes sense that you should care for yourself a lot. Unless you
care for yourself adequately, you won't stand up for yourself when you're with
others, either friends, family members, or co-workers. If you don't have the
proper respect for yourself, why should anyone else? You need to keep in
mind why you're great, and if you're having trouble figuring that out, you need
to look a little more thoroughly. You need to be very serious about the impact
the world has on you because you deserve to be treated in a way that is
consistent with how truly great you are. One of the funny things about
greatness in a person is that it's usually the greatest people who have a hard
time recognizing how great they are. One of the reasons they are so great is
that they don't think they are (But don't worry about getting completely full of
yourself. Those who don't treat themselves with great care typically don't
have it in themselves to ever become selfish and grandiose).
So if you can think of what you'd do for your very best friend, or
perhaps even your dear children, certainly you can figure out what to do for
you. That's right! When you're having a hard time, you need to do the things
you know would make a person like you feel better. If you like tea and a bath,
you have to have some tea and a bath. Maybe you need to make yourself a
good, hearty, meal, or a delicious bowl of chicken soup. Maybe you need to
tell yourself to get going and get things done because you know you feel better
when you're active. Sure you're going to show yourself the ways in which you
know you're a winner. You could list out the great experiences in your life.
You could also remember those times when others loved you most and let
yourself feel why they loved you so much. Perhaps you'll be able to conjure
up those emotions you experience when you imagine what others must have
been thinking about you when they were loving you up so much. If you've
done some things about which you're not proud, maybe you need to decide to
change those kinds of actions. But please please please give yourself a break
about what you've done, especially if, and this is usually the case, the person
who was most damaged by what you did was you.
In short, you need to be your own best friend. You need to be for
yourself the nurturing parent you have in your heart. You need to hug yourself
and give yourself that warmth we all so badly need. You need to be able to
rely upon yourself to always be there for you. You can be your own best
friend and feel resilient and loved. You will be able to get over any kind of
trouble with knowledge that everything is going to be okay. You'll know that
you'll be able to take care of yourself and your loved ones and you'll be able to
get along without things or certain others when times get tough. You'll see that
what others think about you doesn't matter much compared to what you think
about yourself. If you can be there for you, you will never feel alone. If you
can truly, deeply, be there for you, you will accomplish perhaps the greatest
possible psychological achievement - you will have become your very own best
friend.