UNDOING THE BAD PAST, BAD
FUTURE CYCLE
by Dr. Dan Bochner
One ugly truth about the human condition is that bad experiences lead
to more bad experiences. It's so unfair, but when you observe the world this
simple truth cannot be denied. Although some people born into poverty,
neglect or abuse (we can call them “Bad Past” individuals for short) turn
things around and find their way into mental health and success filled lives
(we can call these rare people “Good Future” individuals), the odds are
certainly stacked against them. The lives of Bad Past individuals have
trained them well to be untrusting, hyper-vigilant, and emotionally
reactionary in order to protect themselves. But trust, freedom of thought,
and freedom within interaction, all traits that run counter to the exaggerated
self-protectiveness that develops in Bad Past individuals, are necessary in
forging successful relationships with others. Without successful
relationships, it is impossible for Bad Past individuals to create happy,
fulfilling lives. There are ways around this dilemma. The key to stopping
this cycle is in becoming a person who views the world and relationships
through the lens of endless possibilities, like a Good Future individual. The
question then becomes, how can a Bad Past individual become a Good
Future individual?
Let us start by examining the traits of Good Future and Bad Past
types. A person with a good past (we can call them “Good Past”
individuals) typically becomes a person with a good future (although this is
not always the case). Such a person has seen and experienced love without
too much strife. They have felt what it's like to have someone care for them
and about them. Because of how they've been treated in the past, they
expect similar treatment in the future. They have typically had some bad
treatment and conflict as well, but not in great abundance. The ill-treatment
they have experienced has been ameliorated by positive treatment. Many of
the conflicts within which they have been embroiled have resolved. Thus,
while they remain open to possibilities within relationships, they are watchful
early on, and they develop trust slowly because they know they deserve
good treatment. When they trust fully, but become dissatisfied or get hurt,
they fall back on their own resources of positive self-esteem (a confidence in
their own worth that has been proven to them through past experience) to
find help in either working out the issues of disappointment or knowing when
to move on. They are able to trust others, as well as themselves, and they
understand that there is good and bad in the world that requires
management, mediation, and constant adjustment. Overall, and most
importantly, they have developed faith that things will work out, at least
most of the time.
In contrast, when we examine the Bad Past individual, we typically see
someone who expects things to go badly. Why would the Bad Past person
think things are going to go well? That would be foolish, wouldn't it? Such
an individual has seen people get angry easily and often. Sometimes the Bad
Past individual has been ill-treated or abused. When they've been nice to
others, others have taken advantage of them. When they've behaved in
irritable and angry ways, they've often avoided getting hurt. These
experiences lead to two basic types of Bad Past people. The first type is a
person who never trusts anyone and must always be dominant (a “Dominant
Bad Past” individual). The second type is a person who continues to believe
the goodness within them will eventually lead to someone truly loving them
even though they have rarely experienced that love (a “Bad Past Believer”).
Bad Past individuals of the Dominant type have learned they should
not trust anyone. When they meet people, they look for the angle. They
need to make sure they remain in control of their situation and typically that
means they will either control the other person or they will make sure they
don't care about the other person. Underlying their prickly and distant
behavior is a feeling of being unloved and unlovable in a cold harsh world.
This feeling of being unlovable in a lonely frigid world can never resolve
because their behavior precludes the possibility of someone becoming close
and showing love or warmth. Every interpersonal eventuality includes
people competing for limited resources and cheating each other to get what is
needed. There is no freedom of thought. There are only winners and
losers, dominants and submissives, those in control and those who are
weak. The self-esteem of the Bad Past individual is typically based on being
on top of all situations, with the alternative being a complete crash into
depression, anxiety, desolation, and desperation. Without dominance to
make them feel adequate, they drown in fear and their own contempt for
themselves. Unless somehow someone is able to get close to them, an event
that is nearly impossible due to their aggressiveness and coldness in
interaction, there is no way for the Dominant Bad Past Individual to realize
they can be loved and that the world is not a desolate landscape.
Bad Past Believers, on the other hand, often have even worse
outcomes than those who are dominant. Because they believe in possibilities
for life, despite repeated bad experiences, they must deny their bad
experiences in wholesale fashion, as though all the harm they have endured
has no effect on them. Unfortunately, in the process of denying their
experience, the Bad Past Believers remain blind to negativity in others and
yet are attracted, most of the time, to only the the most negative types – that
is, Bad Past Dominants. They are most familiar with angry, irritable,
dominant people, and those are the people with whom they feel most
comfortable. In order to be around such people and continue to believe love
is possible, they often find themselves understanding the anger and irritability
the dominant types show, and use their understanding as a way to mitigate
the abusiveness these dominant types spew. They tend to minimize their
own legitimacy as human beings so that their own emotions need not lead
them to outrage or despondency at the treatment they receive. As a result of
the denial of their experience, the Bad Past Believer's new experiences are
limited to bad treatment. They do not believe they should experience
anything different. They have very little self-esteem, and there is no way for
any self-esteem to grow within them. Although the Bad Past Believer often
has the very worst experiences, their one saving grace is that they allow
people to be close to them, making the possibility of their problems resolving
much more likely. They need only let themselves be close to someone who
does not fit their familiar experience.
The only way to resolve the dearth of emotional sustenance the Bad
Past individual experiences is for them to let someone in who becomes
trusted. Someone who loves them clearly, but who is worthy of respect and
who has good boundaries, must break the cycle. But such a Good Future
person generally cannot even be perceived. All too often, such a person is
thought to be non-existent. Any person who seems to be trustworthy,
thoughtful, or kind is thought to be playing a game or is thought to be a fool.
The Bad Past Dominant simply views Good Future people with contempt.
The Bad Past Believer deems themselves unworthy of a Good Future
person. Yet the need for love within Bad Past individuals lives on and
constantly seeks out the possibility of recognition and comfort. Thus,
occasional forays into relationship with Good Future people seem to occur,
yet the awful behaviors of Bad Past individuals typically leads to assured
rejection. When these relationships go badly, they are used as proof by the
Bad Past individual that trustworthy, caring people truly don't exist.
In fact, the biggest problem in overcoming a Bad Past is that Good
Past individuals generally will not put up with being treated badly by Bad
Past Dominants nor are they attracted to people who have no self-respect
like Bad Past Believers. The Bad Past individual is constantly treating those
they meet in negative ways or are acting like they are unworthy of love. The
irritability, anger, and need to be dominant among the Bad Past Dominants
leave no room for good feelings within the Good Past individual, who
typically gets very tired of angry, manipulative, and/or impatient behavior.
The enslaved attitude of the Bad Past Believer makes the Good Past
individual feel lonely or burdened as they find little of interest in a person
who has no self-interest or self-development. The Good Past person can
also tire from the constant need to bolster the Bad Past Believer's
confidence. People who stay with Bad Past Dominants are generally Bad
Past Believers. They stay and allow themselves to be abused, thus
reinforcing their view that the world is bad. The Bad Past Dominant
dominates people whose love is worthless because they seem to have no self-
respect, while the Bad Past Believer is dominated by those who believe they
are the only ones who count.
The undoing of these processes is rare, but is possible. While it is sad
and frustrating that bad pasts lead to bad futures, there are a few ways that
bad pasts can be transformed into good futures. The very best resolve
comes from amazing coincidences. Sometimes a Bad Past individual does
meet exactly the right kind of other to help them past their never-ending
cycle of negative relationships. Such a phenomenon is most likely for Bad
Past Believers and is extremely rare for Bad Past Dominants. The Believer,
by believing, leaves open the possibility that a good person is out there.
Sometimes Believers are unable to convince a Good Past individual of their
worthlessness and, simultaneously, the Good Past individual is able to prove
to the Believer that the Believer is a special and worthwhile person.
Although it is, indeed, extremely rare, it is also possible for a Good Past
individual to be so positive that they are able to create good boundaries with
a Bad Past Dominant who is then able to forge a trusting and positive
relationship. When healthy boundaries are set with a Bad Past Dominant the
soil is readied for growth into a good future.
The only other way for Bad Past individuals (both Dominants and
Believers) to overcome their view is through psychotherapy. The
psychotherapeutic relationship is carved out of a contrast between
therapeutic distance (appointments that occur only in the office at regular
appropriate intervals) thus making the therapist adequately safe, and intimacy
deriving from the ability to express ones true impressions, whether they be
shameful, vulnerable or hostile. If the Bad Past individual can trust and
respect the therapist, then interaction between therapist and patient can be
utilized to demonstrate and share the feelings engendered by the Bad Past
individual's attitudes and actions. Over time the Bad Past individual can see
the way to a Good Future with the archetypal example of positive
possibilities developing from within the therapy. The relationship that
develops essentially proves that a Good Future is, at least, possible. This
possibility leads to less reactionary views in interaction with others, more
trust in others, the ability to stay in a relationship where there is no clearly
dominant member, and a desire to have vulnerable needs met by others even
while others are not seen as essential to one's well-being.
While the Bad Past/Bad Future dilemma may be difficult to overcome,
it is not an impossibility. When the frustration experienced by the Bad Past
individual becomes overwhelming, the vulnerability experienced does
sometimes lead one to rely on others. Although these are typically the most
painful times in a Bad Past person's life, these times also present a rare
opportunity for vulnerability to be met with appropriate boundaries and the
strength within Good Future individuals who are willing to help. It is
absolutely necessary that a Bad Past individual come into true, fully related,
contact with a Good Future individual if there is to be any change at all.
Without such contact faith in a Good Future is stymied forever, and the
cycle of Bad Past/Bad Future lives on in a perpetual give and take within a
Bad Future world where every negative reaction leads to more proof positive
that we live in a negative world. Within a lasting relationship with a Good
Future individual, however, proof of a positive world can be cultivated into a
new and different cycle where perpetual growth and the nutrients of love
bring light to where darkness once loomed.