UNDERSTANDING PERSONALITY
STYLES IN COUPLES
By Dr. Dan Bochner
Most relationships that have problems involve relatively simple differences of preferences or different styles of
communication. Typically, better understanding is the key to making the relationship healthier. But, on the
other hand, there are some personality styles that just don’t mix in a relationship. Really, to put it plainly,
these different personality styles simply cannot communicate. To make matters worse, much of the time
these personality styles are attracted. In the long run, people wonder how they could have ever gotten
involved. And they’re so miffed by their partner’s way of doing things that they can’t imagine how it would be
possible to overcome their current difficulties. Basically, there are three primary character styles that
correspond to different levels of personality development, the “Responsible,” the “Independent/Passionate,”
and the “Hungry/Controller” (Within this article, I refer to certain types in the male or female form for
convenience and clarity, but all types can be either male or female).
The “Responsible’s” main motivation in life is to avoid deeply hurting those they love (through taking care of
every possible daily concern and/or through always looking for ways to help – both of these are often
perceived as perfectionistic, controlling, and/or patronizing). The “Responsible” person in a couple is the
personality type for whom self-help books are written since at least one partner in any relationship has to be
responsible enough to obtain that self-help book. Unfortunately, self-help books sometimes have little utility
because “Responsible” type personalities are often paired with one of the other two types (to whom normal
“responsible” thinking seems naïve and weak). “Responsible” types are typically observed to be hard-
working, if not obsessive, about work. They care a lot about what other people think even though they hold
their own values in higher esteem. Some can be very out-spoken while others are very ingratiating, but either
way, they have enough confidence to think freely about what they’re told (even when they don’t choose to act
on it).
The main personality objective of the “Independent/Passionate” personality, on the other hand, is to prove
that no one controls him or her. This tendency is either shown by a constant need to do the opposite of what
has been proposed, or by initially agreeing to do things but then consistently failing to follow through. Either
way, the “Independent/Passionate” often seems to be filled with resentment or anger, even though he or she
may present as very kind and shy or very cute and sociable (or bossy and sociable). One of the hallmarks of
the “Independent/Passionate” is the tendency to become very emotional about many things. Those that
initially agree to do things and then fail to follow through are often passionate about everything except their
relationships. Those that typically go in a direction that is opposite of what is expected tend to use mock
passion (or drama) to avoid intimacy or real feelings in relationships.
Finally, there is the “Hungry/Controlling” personality. The “Hungry/Controlling” personality has less self-
control and rarely does anything in moderation. Many of his actions are meant to fill some emptiness or exact
some vengeance, and he feels those actions are absolutely necessary to his self-preservation. His actions
are typically controlling in the extreme, or unctuously influential, as his needs are experienced to be so
overwhelming as to throw him into desperate dominance or obsequiousness. While the
“Independent/Passionate” fears that others seek to control him, the “Hungry/Controlling” personality
experiences so little self-control that he grasps at every bit of control over others that he can get. His
presentation can be charismatic, bossy, desperate, or needy, but is rarely observed to be calm or relaxed.
Given that there are three levels of personality development, there are, of course, three combinations of
these types, as well as the possibility that each type can find someone in his or her own category. In each of
the paragraphs below, I will discuss what areas of difficulty each kind of couple is likely to experience. I will
also give general hints about how to change your interaction so that your relationship can become healthier.
Sometimes, very simple adjustments can help in bringing about great change.
When each of the types stays with its own kind, it is easy to predict the most likely areas of difficulty. Two
“Responsible” types may fight over the right way to do things or, on the other hand, their relations might
stagnate due to the fact that they tend to hold true emotion deep within and thus generate little passion or
even interest. Two “Independent/Passionates” will constantly struggle over control, as each of them
constantly perceives the other as trying to control, and neither of them realizes that he or she controls him or
herself. That is, all of us control ourselves, but we simply make choices, given the likely consequences, about
whether or not we will do as others ask or expect (so that it doesn’t matter if anyone tries to control us unless
the consequences are so dire that we must do what others want). A relationship with two “Hungry/Controlling”
personalities is likely to be extremely exciting until it ends in fireworks, as each partner must have absolute
control over the other who is only being used, and often abused, in the mind of the other or in reality. It
should also be mentioned here, before moving on, that quite often one partner moves into another position
when two of the same personality types come together, thus leading to the appearance that the partners are
at different developmental levels. This occurs because relationships require some complementarity for
stability, and such complementarity is often difficult to negotiate when two personalities are at the same
emotional communication level.
Now, I would like to discuss the three other combination couples:
When a “Responsible” person becomes involved with an “Independent/Passionate” type, it is typical for the
“Independent/Passionate” to appear to be in control. He makes demands for fear of being the one
controlled, and the “Responsible” person typically makes adjustments since she is not so sensitive to being
controlled. Unfortunately, the “Responsible” person starts to feel downtrodden and abused, but continues to
feel like complaining is inappropriate and weak. Meanwhile, the “Independent/Passionate” is not satisfied with
the lack of control attempted by the “Responsible,” since he generally finds meaning in relationships by
wresting control from some other. If these patterns continue, most likely someone will become significantly
depressed, anxious, angry or otherwise emotionally handicapped to the point where the relationship will end
or some kind of therapy (psychotropic or psychotherapeutic) will become necessary. If the “Responsible”
type wants to change things, she needs to express emotions more spontaneously. She can get the
“Independent/Passionate” to be more responsible by allowing the “Independent” to truly see how his actions
affect her very deeply. When the “Independent” sees the “Responsible” feeling truly sad or upset, he will feel
responsible (and maybe guilty), which helps build responsibility. Since the “Responsible” has so much self-
control, however, sometimes it can even be helpful to get angry. While hurt and sad feelings help build
closeness and a feeling of responsibility in the relationship, anger at least helps create a boundary that says
“I will not let you do that to me.”
When the “Responsible” joins a “Hungry/Controlling” person, the relationship becomes very “co-dependent”
very quickly. That is, the “Hungry/Controller” sucks up all the willing tendency of the “Responsible” and
keeps sucking until the “Responsible” feels “crazy” (again, I’m talking about significant emotional problems
necessitating intervention). The “Responsible” will tend to feel like it is his duty to continue because to set up
appropriate boundaries would be seen as too cruel or too costly (imagine allowing someone to be abusive
because she might fall apart if you don’t, and that might result in leaving your children without their mother).
The “Hungry/Controller” doesn’t intentionally deflate others, it’s just that she never feels satisfied, and thus
her emotional emptiness creates an emotional vacuum. In order to combat starvation (or inadequacy, lack of
confidence, or vulnerability), the “Hungry/Controller” feels a need to be dominant, in control, and revered.
Since the “Responsible” doesn’t feel the need to be so dominant, he doesn’t fight over it. He also comes to
the relationship thinking others will play fair, and he never gives up hope that others will play fair. The
“Hungry/Controller,” on the other hand, assumes no one will play fair and plays to win at all times, often
resorting to manipulation. Eventually, such a relationship is headed for disaster, as the “Responsible” gets
warn down after trying to provide or take care of everything, and the “Hungry/Controller” never feels
sustained by, or in control of, the “Responsible” because the “Responsible” will not allow access to the inner
self. The “Responsible” always appears to be in control of himself, and the “Hungry/Controller” can only
experience control by seeing the “Responsible” lose self-control. To change the relationship, similar to the
case of the “Responsible” who is with an “Independent,” emotions must be more spontaneous, thus giving
the Hungry/Controller” what she needs to sustain herself. But because the “Hungry/Controller” can be so
toxic in her responses, it can be necessary to emphasize the angry boundary-making response, rather than
the intimacy-building hurt and sad response (unfortunately, many “Hungry/Controller” types are too volatile to
handle an intimate relation acting angry – that is, if such a person has a history of violence it may be
necessary to get out of the relationship rather than fix it).
Finally, there is the “Independent/Passionate”/“Hungry/Controller” relationship. Such a relationship will often
cause fireworks, almost to the same degree as two “Hungry/Controller” personalities getting together. Some
stability can be found in these relationships, however, because the “Independent/Passionate” often takes a
more responsible role. Nevertheless, such relationships are typically fraught with constant arguing as the
“Independent/Passionate” tries to be very controlling with the “Hungry/Controller” who will not be controlled.
The most common cases of extreme co-dependency involve an “Independent/Passionate” who is with a
“Hungry/Controller.” Such an “Independent/Passionate” is typically in very bad need of taking care of
someone because that is how they experience control, while the “Hungry/Controller” is always needing more
and more care (care that makes them feel like they’re controlling the “Independent/Passionate) which results
in their behavior spinning out of control (although such a person may become addicted to something, their
behavior is typically out of control in many ways in addition to the abuse of substances). The basic cure for
such a relationship is in making boundaries in any way possible. The “tough love” approach was largely
founded as a result of the need to move completely in the opposite direction of co-dependency. What is
actually ideal in the long run is a balance where one can do for the other without worrying about it being taken
the wrong way or contributing to other problems. But, with tough love, the “Independent/Passionate” must
become very strict in her guidelines as she makes sure that she never contributes to the difficulties of the
“Hungry/Controller” by making things seem alright or allowing anything less than responsible behavior (again,
dangerousness must be considered).
Although understanding these different types of personalities, and the combination of the three in
relationship, might be quite confusing at first, observation of human relationships bears them out. As a
person identifies the kind of relationship he or she is in, it can become more clear how to either adjust the
relationship or, when necessary, how it is necessary to get out of the relationship. If you are in a relationship
that is anything other than a “Responsible”/”Responsible” relationship, outside help will most likely be
necessary to bring about desired change. Of course, even the “Responsible”/”Responsible” relationship
often requires outside help in understanding how basic personality dynamics cause difficulties in relating.