THE THREE A'S OF RELATIONSHIP:
ACCEPTANCE, ACCOMMODATION, AND
ASSERTIVENESS
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Once you have fallen in love - that is, once you’ve become infatuated and
obsessed with your partner - and once you start slipping into the less
tumultuously blissful period of relationship in which you are relating within
the pleasant but mundane context of the day to day routines of life, without
even knowing it, you start a process of wonder in which you are deciding
whether the individual with whom you’re spending so much time now is a
person with whom you can spend a really long time, or perhaps even the rest
of your life. Of course that typically happens without any real thought. In
general, people don’t like to over-think things, and that’s good. Nevertheless,
the way this process begins is profoundly important because it will set a
pattern that will likely last for the duration of your relationship. If things go
well, if you’re creating your relationship to last, you’ll be either naturally or
intentionally making sure your relationship is based in the three A’s:
Acceptance, Accomodation, and Assertiveness.
A good relationship is initially based in “chemical” attraction (perhaps
“Attraction” should be a fourth “A”). We become infatuated with another
and we simply want to be with them all the time. In fact, the process of
falling in love follows a prevailing pattern of addiction (please see article,
“The Dating Fantasy”), except that, within certain bounds, being “addicted”
to another person while you’re falling in love is doubtlessly the norm. Once
the powers of infatuation and desire inevitably simmer down, however, the
natural workings of two personalities together begins to solidify into more
enduring patterns. Those pattenrs will either make for lasting relatedness, or
will dissolve the relationship. Relationships can dissolve due to a pattern of
stagnation and entropy (boredom) or a pattern of mutually assured
destruction (competition). These patterns of relating most importantly
involve the yet to be discovered, but undeniable, differences and similarities
between love partners.
A successful relationship is dependent on the presence of two whole people.
That means things must be worked out. You know those couples that never
argue? Most of the time, those couples are not very healthy. If two people
are together constantly, and they never argue, then they are likely in a static
pattern in which one of them is typically getting their way and the other is
giving in. Although that is a kind of relationship that can last for a long time,
it is amazing how often the partner who always gets their way grows bored of
the relationship and figures out a way to get out. Of course it’s also common
for the partner who rarely gets their way to grow dissatisfied and move to
dissolve the relationship.
That things must be worked out is actually a good thing. In fact, a truly good
relationship exists within the tension that is created between two people who
find each other interesting and equal. To remain deeply engaged in a
relationship, each person’s views must be considered important and valid.
Because no two people are the same, those important and valid viewpoints
will frequently differ. If two people do not differ enough, they will grow
bored. It would be almost as if both people are one person. There can be no
relationship if there is only one person. On the other hand, two people need
be only sufficiently challenging to one another in their differences. Either too
much difference, or more importantly, too little ability to accept the validity
and importance of the other’s view, will lead to competition and the
dissolution of the relationship.
For a love relationship to be healthy, then, partners need to see their
differences and accept those that are tolerable. As part of that acceptance,
there often must be accommodation. If one partner likes to engage in an
activity that does not include the other partner, that must be allowed to the
extent that it is feasible. If one partner likes to discuss an area of interest that
does not naturally grab the interest of the other, the other certainly can try to
find some interest so that ideas can be shared. This process of acceptance
and accommodation accordingly involves each partner negotiating their wants
and needs in an assertive way (the three A’s). To be assertive, a person must
take their own needs and desires quite seriously and then weigh them in the
context of the entire situation and relationship. That is, ones own needs and
desires should be assertively presented with knowledge of what is possible
and fair given that ones partner’s needs and desires must also be considered.
Each partner therefore must weigh their love of the partner against those
characteristics in their partner that are more or less difficult to tolerate. If one
partner has a need that is not recognized by the other, the need should be
stated. If one partner has difficulty tolerating a behavior or attitude of the
other, that too can be stated. Whether needs, wants, and preferences are
stated has to be considered within the context of understanding the effect
such a statement would have on the partner. Ones own level of need has to
be weighed against the possible negative aspects of making the need known.
If the need or preference is powerful enough, it should be stated even if the
impact of stating it could cause significant conflict. If that need, desire or
preference is strong enough to chance ending the relationship, it should be
stated even if it might end the relationship. On the other hand, not everything
needs to be stated. If a need, desire, or preference might hurt ones partner so
much that it could be devastating to them, and one prefers to tolerate that
need or preference without having it solved or even acknowledged because it
is not important enough to cause that much pain, then, of course it should be
tolerated and not stated. As partners, we decide to accept who our partner is
and then accommodate them where necessary. We also expect them to
accept us and accommodate us where necessary. If we love each other
enough, this process should be easy, right?
So why does it seem to be so difficult? The fact is, people generally believe a
few things that make the three A’s very difficult. For one, we believe that
others should see things the way we do because we are “right.” We also
expect others to do things the way we do them because we do things “right.”
Of course, there are relatively few ways of seeing things or of ways doing
things that are everyone agrees are “right,” so part of accepting and
accommodating requires a commitment to thinking in more flexible ways.
You may have noticed the word “preference” is used or inferred many times
throughout this article. “Preference” is used so much within this article
because most of what we think we need is merely an indication of what we
prefer. Nevertheless, it tends to be very difficult to see what we think are
needs as preferences, so it is very difficult to commit ourselves to more
flexible thinking. Although there are so many different personality types that
it may seem silly to try to outline specific traits that generally give people
trouble, there are two primary ways of being that repeatedly present in
couples with communication problems.
Most commonly, when people are thinking they are “right” within their style
(to such an extent that they have trouble with the three A’s), they are either
especially obliging or especially authoritative. Obliging people often expect
others to give to them as much as they give others, even though they give
without others asking. That is, they don’t expect to have to ask for others to
do for them since they don’t require others to ask of them. These individuals
are sure that everyone should have a generous spirit and give willingly even
with little suggestion that anything is needed. Obliging individuals try to
anticipate the needs of others and meet those needs, sometimes even before
the other realizes they may need something. Interestingly, the obliging person
would never agree that they want anything from others. Believing that about
themselves does not fit with their own idea that they are very generous and
giving. But because they believe they are “right” in having such a generous
spirit, they assume it would be “right” for others to be anticipating their
needs. Unfortunately, obliging people also do not argue that their needs
should be anticipated because that, too, would not fit with the ideal of being
generous and giving. However, if the obliging person can be shown that they’
re working this way in relationship, they often can change and start asking for
what they want. These individuals are often viewed by others as passive and
need to become more assertive. In becoming more assertive, they often need
to amplify the legitimacy of their own feelings and preferences so that others
will become aware of those feelings and preferences.
The authoritative person generally believes things should be done a certain
way and that they know how. Hesitancy in others is not understood as giving
thought to how things should be handled, but instead is read as a lack of
know-how in the other. Authoritative people tell people what they want and
how they want things done. Because they are “right” they often expect things
to be done a particular way without ever saying anything only because they
believe it is obvious that things should be done the particular way they know.
Authoritative people would never think they are infringing on others, or that
their way of doing things could lead to disagreement. In fact, because they
are “right” they generally see only that they are helping. Actually,
authoritative individuals cannot understand why others do become upset with
them. While the obliging person borders on being passive, the authoritative
person borders on being aggressive. Often they are perceived to be
controlling. When the authoritative person does see how they are working in
a relationship, however, and when others make it clear that their preferences
are not being considered, the authoritative person can slow down the
quickness with which they act and start to weigh the preferences of others
more keenly. Because they are trying to help others with their know-how,
the authoritative person generally cannot tolerate that they are hurting others.
If others communicate that they’re hurt, the authoritative can become quite
motivated to change. The authoritative generally must recognize that what
they believe are needs or “have tos” are actually preferences. Authoritative
people need to become more assertive, just like obliging people, but their
assertiveness depends upon this ability to differentiate needs from
preferences, and upon truly seeing the value of input and preferences within
their partner.
The three A’s, acceptance, accommodation and assertiveness, are the
hallmarks of a good relationship. If partners are to turn the natural chemistry
of their initial relationship into an enduring love, they must accept one another’
s differences, accommodate one another’s preferences, and assert their own
preferences where important. Relationships are rarely, if ever, completely
peaceful from the start. Because a healthy relationship requires two whole
people, with totally different ways of looking at things, it is obvious that there
will not always be agreement and there will often be some conflict. If two
people love each other, however, growth and happiness spring from each
individual recognizing the other as a whole human being. In communicating,
each individual must truly weigh the needs and preferences of the other
against their own, and a compromise must be met. Only by striking a balance
between those needs and preferences, by working on understanding through
the three A’s, can any relationship nourish itself, sustain growth and mature.