The Narcissist
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
The narcissist is the ultimate man. He's confident and self-assured. He's
tough. He's competitive. He's often gorgeous, and if not, he is definitely
likely to dress in some kind of style. He's hardworking and successful. He's
got it all. He's a master of the universe. He also has to have his way. He's
in a world of his own. He rarely maintains any kind of real relationship, and
when he does maintain a relationship, it's hard to tell he cares. He has to be
right. He has to be the best. He pursues the finest of everything and he
feels he's entitled to it. But nobody knows the narcissist, and essentially he's
alone. In fact, the narcissist doesn't even know himself. The problem is,
there's no self there to know. At least there's no self there that reflects his
humanity or any sense of vulnerability, and no self that seems to hold him
together with integrity of his own.
Narcissism, strangely, is exactly the opposite of what it seems. While the
narcissist behaves selfishly and confident in almost every situation, it is his
lack of self that makes him act that way. The narcissist grows up in an
environment in which vulnerability is unacceptable. Any sign of weakness in
this environment is met with disdain and disgust. On the other hand,
independent activity is necessary and significant achievements are glorified.
Thus, the narcissist develops his personality for the specific and express
purpose of achieving recognition and being treated as special. When all goes
well, the narcissist is quite successful in this pursuit. Unfortunately, the
narcissist can never achieve the one pursuit that is truly worthwhile for him.
That is, he can never find his true self.
The true self resides in those feelings that are most core to life itself. Life
with ones fellow man is created through the balance of these core feelings,
but the particular balance maintained by the narcissist limits any development
in the feelings that involve connection to others. Vulnerability, weakness,
need of any kind, things being out of control, all those experiences that must
be calmed and soothed by love, and thus those feelings that form the
connection with others, have been abandoned in the narcissist. The one
connection the narcissist attains is the sense of recognition he experiences
when his achievements reflect well upon his parental figures. At those times,
the narcissist feels special and important. Unfortunately, because these
achievements are essentially accomplished for the impact they make on
others, the narcissist never experiences true satisfaction. That is, he is
achieving what makes his parents feel like they are achieving, or what
impresses others most, and he never even knows what he would like to
achieve.
Thus, the pursuit of success, achievements, fine things, good looks, and
power becomes his unitary focus. He is desperate for the recognition of his
achievements, and achieve he does. But the true desire beneath his facade,
that is the desire the narcissist has to develop a true self and be recognized
for who he is, can only come from unconditional love and acceptance of his
true nature. Although he does not always know it, he is desperate for love
of his true nature in spite of his weakness or foolishness, and in spite of his
truly selfish nature which is common to all. And the more the narcissist
surrounds himself with the trappings of success, the less likely it will be that
he will achieve true recognition of his character. Others will glory in his
facade, which in turn, will help him continue to believe it to be a valid
pursuit. At the same time, he will demean weakness and vulnerability in
others and do anything he can to avoid it within himself. Thus, although he
will be aware of a lack of meaning in his life, accompanied by an inability to
attain satisfaction, and a lack of consistent closeness with others, the
narcissist will generally find it impossible to understand how he could even
see his problems as problems.
When the narcissist does experience problems, it is typically because a
particular kind of depression takes its grip on him. The lack of meaning,
satisfaction and closeness in his life combine to create a kind of
fragmentation of feelings. Because there is no self, no feeling that there are
particular aspects of who the narcissist is as a person separate from what
others see, nothing really holds together. It is as though the glue that makes
all the parts of a person stick together is missing. For relatively healthy
people, everything sticks together into a meaningful view of who they are.
The love they have for others, their interests, their morals, what they find
important, and even the things they dislike or despise, make them who they
are. They carry that conglomeration of what it means to be a person with
them throughout their day, their week, and their entire existence so that they
can be close with others, sense meaning and attain satisfaction. What for
most people can be a troubling difficulty in balancing their many roles, for
the narcissist becomes complete fragmentation and a breakdown into
profound depression. Only newly found specialness in the recognition of
greatness from an esteemed or coveted other can forestall such
fragmentation.
Even as the narcissist manages to survive and appear to thrive above his
vulnerabilities, he remains quite delicately and precariously connected to his
vulnerabilities in an odd way. His consistent disdain for particular
weaknesses in others is, in a way, his connection to his own vulnerabilities.
The connection is most clearly evinced when the narcissist believes there is a
suggestion that one of those weaknesses may apply to him. At that point,
the most likely reaction from the narcissist is narcissistic rage. The narcissist
defends so heartily against even a possibility that he might have such
weakness that he becomes completely lost in his venomous and malignant
anger and spews it upon anyone who might chance upon such possibility.
He cannot see the weakness, and he won't allow himself to see the
weakness, and thus his best option is to completely and utterly prove that
only others could have such weakness. This occurs so automatically within
the narcissist that there is never any awareness. The narcissist reacts like a
cornered, feral beast, and reacts by clawing, scratching, biting and smashing
until there can be no doubt that he is victorious, dominant, and superior.
Thus, the narcissist has two avenues for remaining afloat above what he
believes to be despicable vulnerability. He searches for, and cultivates,
recognition and specialness so his grandiosity will make sense. He also rages
vociferously at any suggestion or hint of his own humanity. Unfortunately,
the narcissist's grandiosity and rage preclude the possibility of finding himself
and true happiness. Strangely, the only hope of finding fulfillment for the
narcissist is in his fragmentation. When the narcissist fragments there is
some small chance that he will seek help in others. In seeking that help, the
narcissist has a chance, although relatively slim, at allowing his weaknesses
to be seen and appreciated. Before that can happen, however, the typical
and practiced defenses must be overcome.
Once he has sought help, the most common occurrence is for the narcissist
to go back to his defense of being the “best” and being “special.” He will
likely try to get those to whom he has turned to see just how great he truly
is. He will do so in a way that is extremely likely to achieve his aim of
gaining great recognition since he has developed the ability to be the kind of
“great” that others need. He also has a tendency to seek out those who are
very likely to find his particular skills especially impressive. If these others
agree that the narcissist is great, and if they are deemed worthwhile judges,
he will return to his grandiose state and feel good again. If they do not seem
to agree that he is great, most likely they will be deemed unworthy (often
with an expression of narcissistic rage), and the relationship will end. If
either of these two ways of defending occur, of course, the narcissist will
have no possibility of recovering. However, the occurrence of
fragmentation, and even the behaviors that help the narcissist get back to
grandiosity, including rage, offer an opportunity for recovery.
On the offhand chance that people will respond correctly, either due to their
training or because they are especially healthy people (which would also
require that they have a very good reason to work things out with the
narcissist since healthy people only commune with people to whom they
connect, and do not tolerate disrespectful behavior unless there is a good
reason to do so), the fragmentation of the narcissist offers an opportunity for
things to be different this time. Only when the narcissist shows vulnerability
is it possible for anyone to connect with him. In those moments, if someone
can see the vulnerability and understand just how painful it is to the
narcissist, while simultaneously demonstrating that it is acceptable, and
perhaps even that it has a special kind of poignancy within the narcissist, the
narcissist can begin to see his true self.
By seeing his true self, no matter how painful, the narcissist can slowly begin
to love his true self. In order for the narcissist to love himself, in spite of his
exquisite pain, the narcissist's vulnerability must be viewed and shown to be
acceptable in the reactions of another. But if the narcissist can begin to
accept and love his true self, he can slowly learn to give up the grandiosity
and superiority he requires in proving himself invulnerable. His vulnerability
can then make it possible to more easily connect with others, which thus
makes it possible for him to connect to his true specialness. His acceptance
and love of himself allows him to see how his vulnerability is what makes
him truly fascinating. His focus turns away from what others will think is
great, and turns toward what he himself thinks is great. Because he now
cares about himself, he develops the ability to care about others, not for how
they reflect upon him, but for what is special and fascinating about them.
An interesting path towards growth and development thus opens up. In fact,
while narcissists improve, they are often seen to become more focused on
their pursuits than ever before. However, there is also a completely different
quality to their new pursuits. They do not look to be seen as superior, but
instead begin to develop their own true interests. They might work hard to
be the best at what they do, but now it is because they are following their
own dreams as opposed to showing off. The quality of their interactions in
their pursuits changes as well. Instead of communicating with others to
show off their greatness, they start to truly connect with others and learn
from them in meaningful ways. In a way, when the narcissist feels that his
vulnerability is acceptable, and maybe even wonderful, he experiences a
reawakening. When at long last the narcissist finds his true self for the first
time, he finally starts to live, and he experiences exponential growth and
glorious, abundant transformation he could never before imagine.