THE SATISFACTION METER:
THE REWARD SYSTEM FOR REGULAR
PEOPLE
By Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Having trouble with your kids, but you think it's bogus to create a system
where you give them rewards for good behavior? You have no idea how many
times I've heard that in my office. Typically, I suppose, I don't actually hear it
as much as I see it in people's eyes. You might be happy to know, however,
that there is an alternative. It may sound silly, but it comes straight from the
heart. If you use “The Satisfaction Meter,” you need only monitor your level
of satisfaction within your heart. If you are not satisfied, you merely say “I'm
not satisfied” and your children immediately experience the consequences of
your dissatisfaction. “The Satisfaction Meter” exists within each of us and
simply indicates whether or not we feel satisfied with our kids' behavior. I
know I'm making it sound real simple when sometimes it's really not, but don't
worry, I know it's going to take a bit of work. The important and problematic
part is that a parent must develop the ability to look inside him or herself and
honestly appraise whether or not they are satisfied with their child's behavior.
If you can do that well, then you already know it's an extremely effective
method. In fact, “The Satisfaction Meter” is truly the method people are using
when they're parenting is going well.
Let's start with the basics. Your kids have one main job. If they
adequately perform the duties necessitated by that job, us parents will typically
give them all they could possibly want. That job is to SATISFY their parents.
The only problem is that kids don't know that's their job. Us parents are so
busy considering a wide variety of factors, that we don't make this job clear to
our kids. In fact, most kids think it's their parents' job to satisfy the kids
because our love makes us cater to their every whim. Once it is clear to kids
that a kid's job is to satisfy their parents, it is so easy and straightforward for
kids to earn their privileges, it's a joke. Parents really want to be satisfied and
thus, most of us are, if anything, too easy on our kids.
Being too easily satisfied is just one of many reasons that kids don't know
that their job is to satisfy us. Many other considerations also get in the way of
acting upon the level of satisfaction we feel about our kids' behavior. We want
to be fair. We want to be consistent. We want to be in agreement with our
spouse or the other parents involved. We don't want to make a scene. We
want to look like we are respected. We don't want to be judged by others.
We're tired. We want to partake in the reward our children would get if they
were good. The possibilities are endless. But none of that has anything to do
with whether you actually feel satisfied. Those other considerations have
everything to do with giving in and lacking consistency.
Once you get used to the idea of really basing privileges on how satisfied
you are with your child's behavior, there are certain aspects of “The
Satisfaction Meter” that must be discussed. Let's just talk about the essentials.
Possibly the most important thing to understand is that you provide everything
for your children. You also have the right to take it all away. Kids love to make
the argument, “Grandma gave me the computer, so it's mine and you can't
take it away.” But Grandma doesn't pay for the electricity. Right? No matter
what argument your future attorney might contrive, the fact will remain that
they've got nothing without you. You can say and must believe the following:
“the law requires I provide adequate food for nourishment, adequate shelter
and clothing, and that I do something about it if you refuse to go to school, but
that's about it.” Everything else is a privilege if I deem it to be a privilege. If
you are willing to follow that philosophy, you are well on your way to making
good use of “The Satisfaction Meter.”
Now you need to know the rules. “The Satisfaction Meter” is an all or
nothing reward system. That is, if you are satisfied with your kids' behavior,
they get all their privileges within the normal bounds of your usual family life.
When you are not satisfied, your children lose all their privileges within the
normal bounds. “Within normal bounds” means your kids still can't stay up till
2:00AM on a school night even when they have satisfied you and have earned
all their privileges. If in your family it's a privilege to have an ounce of cheese
once a day, then your kids don't get cheese when you are not satisfied. You
have to also realize here that some things can be a given. Maybe you don't
think of an after school snack as a privilege, but a necessity. If it's not a
privilege, it does not have to be something that is taken away. The things that
are considered privileges will be different in every family. You should be
careful, however, to put everything that is a privilege in the privilege category.
For example, it is clearly a privilege to have a fun snack after school, but
perhaps carrot sticks could be the non-privilege item if you think your children
are truly hungry (my guess is that many won't eat the carrot sticks, so they're
probably not too hungry). Computer use for school could also be a problem,
but you could have them do their homework at the kitchen table so they won't
so easily enjoy the computer. As you can see, you might have to use some
creative thinking on the specifics.
The next rule is that no one gets to interfere with the ruling of satisfaction
by whichever parent has made the ruling. If Dad is not satisfied, all privileges
are lost until Dad is satisfied. If Mom thinks Dad is wrong, she needs to keep it
to herself. If she does want to talk to Dad in private, that's fine. Perhaps she
can talk to him and he will become more satisfied. Nevertheless, if Dad said
he was not satisfied, he has to become satisfied before privileges are restored.
Just because one spouse argues in favor of the child does not mean the other
spouse is now satisfied. In fact, if there is a solution, it usually requires some
repair. Perhaps an apology is in order. Maybe an extra chore to make up for
the transgression will help satisfy Dad. No matter what it is, it must result in
satisfaction from the parent who was dissatisfied before privileges are restored
- no matter what!
Something to realize about “The Satisfaction Meter” is that sometimes
privileges are taken away for very short periods of time. It is essential that kids
understand this part of the system since they will otherwise likely feel it is way
too harsh. But think about how easily most parents would be satisfied if their
children knew their primary job was to satisfy their parents. What if Mom
walks in the door and her boy doesn't say a proper hello? Not that big of a
deal. Right? She might nevertheless say, “I'm not satisfied.” However, if her
boy immediately says, “hi Mom,” in an enthusiastic tone, she will likely be
satisfied immediately. Although technically the kid has lost all privileges in this
example the very moment Mom said she wasn't satisfied, he will really never
feel the loss because he regains his privileges before he could possibly even
realize he's lost them. On the other hand, if Mom gets really dissatisfied due to
her girl coming in hours after dark, the extreme worry she experienced will
likely result in dissatisfaction for several days. Clearly, if one is truly
consulting their inner Satisfaction Meter, sometimes they will be quickly
satisfied and sometimes satisfaction will require some time and some effort
from the kids.
If you think about it, “The Satisfaction Meter” is really just a very clear
communication tool. Our kids should be able to see what satisfies us and what
doesn't. If we are their best guide for proper behavior and attitude, they really
need to know what we think. Because we provide everything for them, even if
we're not their best guide for proper behavior and attitude, they really ought to
recognize that we need to be satisfied for them to get what they want. But all
the other considerations in life have a tendency to get in the way. “The
Satisfaction Meter” is merely a way of getting kids in touch with what we are
feeling as their parents. In fact, if kids play it smart, they will quickly learn that
many of their current behavioral habits, such as avoiding us or arguing, are
exactly the wrong way to respond if they want to get the privileges they prize
so dearly. If they are going to play it smart, and you are using “The
Satisfaction Meter” well, when you say you're not satisfied, they will do
whatever they possibly can to satisfy you as quickly as possible. While that
might simply require an apology in some circumstances, if at other times it
entails getting you a glass of water and cleaning up the living room, then that
will be the smartest thing for them to do. Clearly avoiding you and arguing
with you are merely going to make you less satisfied and thus prolong your
dissatisfaction. If you're using “The Satisfaction Meter” making you even less
satisfied is not smart.
One final caveat must be mentioned before “The Satisfaction Meter” can
be put to good use. It has to be clear that no one should expect their children to
make them happy. Your children are not responsible for your happiness, which
is much different than your satisfaction. In fact they cannot even satisfy you if
you are not satisfied with yourself and your own life. Your children only need
to make you satisfied with their behavior. You have to try very hard to make
sure that you are being as objective as possible in your satisfaction with your
child. You must ask yourself, “is it my child's behavior that is making me
dissatisfied, or am I going to be dissatisfied regardless of their behavior?” If
you believe it is their behavior that is not satisfactory, then you need to state
that you are not satisfied. If you feel you likely will not be satisfied no matter
what they do, you will likely need to do something new in your own life to help
you be more happy and satisfied without your kids' help.
Simply put, if your child's behavior is not satisfactory, he does not
deserve privileges. Most parents are willing to let their kids have just about
anything if their children are behaving in a satisfactory manner. The biggest
road blocks to “The Satisfaction Meter” are the many considerations that
tempt you to give up your consistency and ability to remain firm.
Disagreement with your spouse is a second important factor. But if you are
capable of looking inside yourself and really figuring out whether or not you
are satisfied, and whether or not you should be satisfied, then using “The
Satisfaction Meter” will quickly result in predominantly satisfactory behavior
from your children. “The Satisfaction Meter” is the connection between who
we really are and how our children really should behave. “The Satisfaction
Meter” is truly the tool used by us all when we are at our most consistent and
effective in our parenting.