The Power and Control Addiction
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Of course we know why people seek power and why they need to
control others. Seeking power indicates the need to overcome an inner
feeling of powerlessness. Needing to control expresses a feeling that things
in general, and especially others, are out of one's control. These traits seem
to run rampant in the world around us and there is barely anyone who isn't
upset by them. In fact, those who want power and control are even more
upset by others who want power and control than the rest of us due to their
competitive nature and their view that there can be only one dominant
person. For someone not afflicted with these desires, the powerful and
controlling are irritating because they step on everyone's toes with rarely any
awareness, or even more rarely, any regret. It's also infuriating that those
seeking power and control often achieve power and control and often seem
to garner more respect than anyone else. It is clear as well that those seeking
power and control are not mentally healthy. However, their success is
intoxicating to them, thus making the possibility of change extremely
limited.
Power and control are so intoxicating that they can be considered to be
addictive, and there are many power and control addicts. There are
problems for the person who seeks power and control (that is, the power and
control addict) that might make them think twice about their ways, if only
they could become aware of those problems. But the prevailing feelings of
power and control prevent awareness of the problem. Essentially, power
and control are defenses against feelings of inadequacy, weakness, fear,
being unlovable or unloved, and being worthless. Obviously, if a person
feels such wretched feelings, there is huge motivation to keep those feelings
under wraps. Power and control specifically help in keeping those feelings
under wraps. Of course, if someone is feeling powerful and in control, it is
unlikely that they would feel inadequate, unloved, or worthless.
So where do these needs come from? There are three primary patterns
that lead to the development of a need for power and control, and there is
tremendous overlap between the three. The first is the experience of being
dominated as a child, and the observation that becoming dominant is the only
solution for overcoming a feeling of extreme submission. The second is the
child who tries desperately to please others with perfection in all they do, but
never feels they have actually succeeded in pleasing. The third is a type that
is born with so much intensity that they naturally become aggressive when
displeased and then never get their intensity under control because it feels so
good when others give in. These three types also overlap quite naturally
since dominating parents are often perfectionistic and/or intense.
Nevertheless, all three can be separate as well and thus will be briefly
discussed below in uncovering the motivations behind each characteristic
path.
Dominating parents are of many assorted types. There are those who
need things perfect, those who lack self-control and those who lack the
ability to love. The need to dominate, however, always indicates a problem
with a mixture of feelings involving vulnerability and insignificance. Those
feelings are very easily transmitted over generations since the interpersonal
solution that balances ones inner feelings of vulnerability and insignificance is
dominance, which then leads those who are dominated to feel vulnerable and
insignificant. As a child who needs the care that a parent can provide, there
is no choice but to submit. However, that same child will often dominate
friends and acquaintances and, as an adult, will dominate coworkers and
their own spouses and children. Because their dominance helps them feel
strong and significant, it is extremely difficult for a dominant type to change.
They rarely see that they cause any problems or that they have any
problems because their dominance so perfectly compensates for their inner
feelings which are the polar opposite of how they behave.
A second type of power and control comes from being as perfect as
possible. Those who are trying to be perfect, attempt to please themselves
in a way that they have learned would be the right thing to do, but which
also camouflages and conceals the unconscious desire to finally attain
unconditional positive regard. Many such individuals love, and have known
love, but also had always thought the love they received was conditional and
that they had to be truly good, moral, giving, meticulous, and forthright to
finally attain the kind of love they really wanted. Because these individuals
often were truly loved, they now see their behavior as the consequence of
challenging themselves, as opposed to a reflection of a need to please
others. In fact, quite often they see themselves as exemplifying the pinnacle
of correctness or as paragons of virtue. That is where their dominance and
control gets involved. These “perfect” people often expect others to live to
their standards. They use many different kinds of influence to make sure
others do things “right” such as setting the standard, worrying, or disdain at
anything they feel is not worthy of their attention. Of course these traits just
like those in the dominating parent, are also often transmitted over
generations as children feel they must comply or fail to achieve approval,
which then leads to perfectionism and control of friends, acquaintances, and
family members.
The third type of power and control comes specifically from individuals
who behave in very intense ways and learn that such intense behavior leads
to getting what they want. Some children are born with this intensity, but it
can also come from behavior that initially occurred during childhood illness
when the child was not disciplined for fear that it would further harm the
child, or from families where children are spoiled and treated as though more
important than parents. The one commonality is that the child learns that
intensely aggressive or angry behavior leads to others backing off and giving
in. Once that connection is established, the child has a hard time containing
the behavior that is so successful at getting the child what is wanted. This
third type has their biggest difficulty when someone does attempt to curb
their behavior with discipline, or sometimes with even relatively minor
suggestions. Because they develop such a strong sense that their intense
emotions are legitimate and uncontrollable, they perceive anyone saying “no”
to them as an affront. They respond to very subtle cues of disagreement or
of discipline with extreme outrage, and in that way they achieve their goal of
getting what they want.
In fact, this is the commonality that must be overcome to some extent
in all three types of power and control. The feeling that others back off or
give in when a person acts dominant or controlling creates an indelible
association for the power and control addict. Their aggressive behaviors are
permanently associated with success at pursuing immediate gratification. If
others do not make it clear that aggressive, dominating, or controlling
behavior rarely results in a positive outcome, then those who behave in
dominant and controlling ways will feel so powerful that they will never want
to relinquish their dominant behavior. The thinking pattern goes like this:
“Although in many ways this world seems like complete chaos, and I often
feel weak and insignificant or unworthy of love, the world does give me
anything I want as soon as I become aggressive, unruly or angry. That
means I decide what I get or don't get. I need only become angry or bossy
or seemingly lose control of myself and, abracadabra, what I wanted appears
before me like magic. I do not need to delay gratification. I get immediate
gratification any time.” This perspective is not actually conscious in most
cases. If you observe enough individuals with this problem, however, you
will see that their behavior does truly manifest this belief, whether it's
conscious or not.
The biggest problem in childhood is when the the behavior is initially
caused by inborn intensity (when extreme enough, this intensity is considered
“bipolar disorder”). When the behavior has developed primarily due to
parenting style, changes in parenting style usually succeed in changing the
behavior. Parents need to work together and be consistent, and where there
has been a problem with giving in, they must inform the child there will be
no more giving in and then proceed to never (yes, I mean never) give in even
if it means the child must be physically restrained, hospitalized, or sent to
jail. Inborn intensity, however, truly complicates matters. Intense reactions
that start in the womb can create havoc as a child actually perceives their
desire for what they want as though it is uncontrollable. Many of these
types of children grow up being told they have no control of themselves,
which worsens matters. They then believe there is little reason to try to
change since it presumably would not work. However, when these children
grow a little older and they start to see how their behavior causes them very
negative consequences, sometimes they start to get motivated to change.
Quite commonly, those whose problem is primarily intensity, but who feel
very close to their family members, feel horrible when their aggressive
behavior becomes hurtful and damages those they love. Nevertheless, the
power they have experienced in the past, combined with the intensity of their
emotions, makes it seem to them almost impossible to control themselves
when the aggressive urges arise.
The power one experiences, regardless of which type, is very much an
addiction. In fact, it is the fact that the behavior continues for long periods
in spite of negative consequences that makes it so clear that there is an
addiction to power and control. In the worst cases the consequences are
very obvious as the aggressiveness gets certain individuals in serious trouble
with law enforcement or in school. At a more subtle level, however,
individuals who crave power and control, and who behave in dominant or
controlling ways, rarely maintain any good relations with others. Their
family members often avoid them and their friendships rarely last very long.
When they have children, the children rarely stay in frequent contact after
they've grown. Sometimes it seems remarkable that such individuals even
have families. However, their success in life often makes them extremely
attractive at a certain level and they do tend to attract mates and have
children.
Many power and control addicts do have incredibly successful careers.
However, they are always ultimately alone. No one feels close to a person
who bullies them. No one feels close to someone who controls them. If
others have to do what the power and control addict wants, they will be
scared of disappointing that person, but they won't love them. Not only will
loved ones leave, but they won't even miss the power and control addict.
Instead, they'll feel they've finally gotten free. Bullies lose those they think
love them as soon as there is any sign of their vulnerability. Many people
will be there for them only because they have had to be, or because they
have feared what would happen if they didn't do what the power and control
addict expected. To the extent that these relationships were built on the
usefulness of the power and control addict, as opposed to love, when the
power and control addict is no longer useful, there remains no reason to stay
in contact.
Strangely, having power and control over others makes it impossible to
even know them or their motivations, so even those who seem to love the
power and control addict are often merely pleasing them. If we believe
someone loves us, then we can assume the reason they do things for us, or
stay true to us, or work their hardest to do the things we like, is because they
want to do it themselves. Unfortunately, people who need someone for any
reason can be very good at seeming to be in agreement. The problem is, if
they do not feel free to be who they want to be, if they do things thinking
they have to and not because they are following their own feelings, then
nothing they do can be trusted by the power and control addict. Because
they have been forced to do things in their relationship with the power and
control addict, even the loving things they do are being done because they
feel they must. Many times people are so controlled by a power and control
addict that they don't even know how they feel. When they finally feel free,
they often behave in ways that are contrary to the power and control addict's
wishes. Even that behavior does not express who they really are, since it
merely expresses their desire to be unlike what is expected from them.
People are only free to love when they are not intimidated and
controlled. Only by receiving unconditional love does a person truly blossom
into what they really want to be. Only the sense that one is unconditionally
loved can lead to a true sense of freedom or a feeling within one that one has
true value. This feeling, that one's way of being is valuable and loved in and
of itself and not for its utility to someone else, is the cornerstone of self-
esteem. Sometimes the lack of self-esteem that comes from being
dominated will lead to people staying with, or continuing to please, the power
and control addict, since it makes the controlled person continue to believe
that the only way to gain positive regard is to successfully please the power
and control addict. However, only if a person knows they are worthy of
love, only if they have self-esteem, are they able to actually love others. If a
person is controlled, their love is meaningless. They are not free to decide
who or what they love. They act loving because they must. If they are free,
however, they are free to decide who and what they love. Power and
control addicts end up lonely and bereft of love. Those around them are not
free and thus can't love, and as soon as they have any self-esteem, they
leave. The character of the power and control addict makes it impossible to
love others because they only approve of others to the extent that others
please them. So, just as they cannot love, it is also impossible for the power
and control addict to be loved by others.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to show those addicted to power and
control the error of their ways. Some, as indicated above, will see that they
hurt others, and then feel badly. Those are the ones that are especially
intense, however, and once they realize that they seem to hurt others due to
their extreme reactions, they often agree to seek treatment. Those who are
not especially intense, but nevertheless dominate and control others with
their high standards and dominant attitudes, can also sometimes see how
their behavior hurts those they love. Children or spouses of power and
control addicts can often be instrumental in getting the power and control
addict to recognize how they affect others. They have a huge impact,
especially when they want to forge a relationship, but find themselves also
wanting to get away and be free. Intervening in a way that has some
efficacy, however, requires a very specific kind of communicating.
Generally speaking, although it is exactly the opposite of what will come
naturally, being vulnerable with the power and control addict is the only way
to get through to the power and control addict.
The power and control addict's behavior, one must remember, is
directly connected to feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy. They have
felt that way and overcome those feelings with their dominant and controlling
behavior. Their behavior currently covers up those feelings and they remain
capable of identifying with those feelings within those whom they deem
important. Therefore, when someone they care about says they are hurt, the
power and control addict often can't stand the idea that they are responsible
for creating within someone they care about, the very same feelings that they
themselves can't stand. In fact, it is within the context of getting in touch
with their own vulnerable and inadequate feelings, even if it is within
someone else, that the power and control addict is finally able to behave in a
loving manner. If the pain they are causing is similar enough to the pain they
have experienced, and it is typically almost identical, the power and control
addict is actually capable of connecting in a way that causes guilt and
responsibility for others' feelings, and is capable of changing their behavior.
The way to communicate with the power and control addict is actually
quite specific. Unfortunately, the power and control addict is extremely
sensitive to blame, and can point the finger back at anyone who points the
finger at them. The only way to avoid the blame game with the power and
control addict is to specifically state how something that has happened has
left you “hurt.” Sometimes it is even necessary to state, in the most
vulnerable way a person can imagine, that much of the fault lies with you.
Taking responsibility yourself will help the power and control addict take
responsibility as well, and also takes the blame out of the “hurt” statement.
It must also be remembered that there are extremely few words for “hurt” in
the English language. Most other words one thinks of as indicating “hurt”
actually are blame words or words about what the other person has done.
For example, “embarrassed” means the other person did something odd, and
“disappointed” means the other person is considered to be inferior. Words
indicating “hurt” are the word “hurt” and many physiological descriptions of
the body. For example, the hurt individual can say, “when X (a certain
behavior) occurs,” “it ties my stomach into knots,” or “I feel a tightening in
my throat,” or “I feel tension and pressure in my head or chest.”
Clearly such “hurt” statements require a mixture of strength and
confidence because they engender so much vulnerability. It is also clear that
the relationship with the power and control addict must be very important in
order to make the controlled individual motivated enough to make such a
statement. Getting the power and control addict to see how their behavior is
hurtful is, however, the only way to get them to change. Because such
statements also put the power and control addict in touch with their own
feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy, such statements are exactly what is
needed to put them back on the road to recovery from their addiction.
Once the power and control addict identifies with vulnerability and
inadequacy in others, they become aware enough of it within themselves to
see others in more humanistic and tolerant ways. Their views of others as
inferior, weak, or inadequate slowly diminish as they see a connection
between their behavior and the behavior of others who once hurt them. The
power and control addict may not see this all important change at first, but
assuming that they have cared about their family members and want them to
remain in contact, assuming that they might actually want to learn to give
and receive love from their closest family members, and not lose them
because they stay away as the only way to achieve freedom, it is clear that
the change becomes the most important accomplishment of their lives. By
relinquishing the need to dominate, the power and control addict makes it
possible to finally live life for what is most important in life, the connection
with others and the development of interpersonal growth by bequeathing
love from generation to generation.