The Other Personalities
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Every aspect of our communication with others involves personality. That's
why categorizing personalities is so important. By specifying the inner
workings and motivations involved in each major type of personality, we can
understand those with whom we come into contact, and thus communicate
with them in more constructive ways. In several other articles I have
delineated those personality types that are most commonly seen in my
psychotherapy office. In everyday life, however, the other major personality
types are equally common. Below you will find each of the other major
personality styles described in their most elemental forms. For each, the
central conflict driving the personality style will be outlined. For each, the
path toward growth through that conflict, or the necessary path for others in
dealing with that personality style, will be illuminated.
Dependent Personality
An individual with dependent personality can be observed to remain in
relationships where they are treated in relatively abusive ways. They often
appear to have a complete inability to stand up for themselves, even when
they know they really should. On the other hand, they often don't feel they
have a right to anything, and thus they are always giving in to the wants and
needs of others. It is very typical for individuals with dependent personality
to come from homes where a parent was significantly abusive and/or
undermining of their independence. They have experienced interpersonal
aggressiveness, even if they have never been physically abused (although
they often have been). That is, by powerful influence of someone with
whom the dependent was unable to confront, the dependent has been
convinced that they are worthless. The dependent is often not especially
fearful of others, but is, rather, fearful of being independent. At the same
time, the dependent does despise any sign of anger within themselves. They
have felt how anger and intimidation work, and they never want to hurt
anyone like they have been hurt. They maintain a clinging, needy, and
fearful orientation to life as a defense against their own angry and controlling
tendencies. In effect, they behave in opposite fashion to the feelings within
themselves that they fear most. Dependent personalities only recover from
their own self-destructive paths when they allow themselves enough anger
and self-righteousness to act assertively. To overcome their dependence on
aggressive, controlling others, the dependent personality must see that some
anger within them is acceptable and normal, and they must stand up for their
rights.
Antisocial Personality
Antisocial personality is exactly the opposite of dependent personality.
However, quite often the two individuals can come from similar
backgrounds. When the antisocial experiences intimidation and abuse,
however, instead of becoming weak and needy like the dependent, they long
for a time when they will be the masters of intimidation, aggression and
manipulation. Typically the antisocial will not take on the dominant parent in
the family until their size permits them to do so, but in the meantime they
will find ways to intimidate and dominate others outside the family. They
become the bully at school and take on authority figures who will not
physically punish them. The antisocial develops a sense that
accomplishment is something to be taken rather than earned. They do not
care enough about others to develop any true feeling of responsibility for
others. They have no sense of what is right or wrong. They want what they
want and they will do whatever they can to get what they want immediately.
Antisocial personality generally cannot be rehabilitated because recovery
requires caring. That is, if someone is going to have an influence on another
person, that person must care enough to start taking responsibility for their
reciprocal influence. There is, however, hope for antisocials. Although the
antisocial will not develop healthy relationships, they can become productive
members of society. Once the antisocial realizes that the only way to truly
succeed in life, without going to jail or getting killed, is to play by society's
rules enough to get along with others and maintain gainful employment, the
antisocial can do so. In fact, many antisocials become extremely financially
successful as they move ahead in life knowing the rules better than anyone
else and then using them to their advantage.
Avoidant Personality
Individuals with avoidant personality feel extremely uncomfortable around
other people. Like the dependent personality, the avoidant has typically
come from a home in which there was some level of interpersonal
aggressiveness. However, the avoidant is much less likely to have actually
been physically abused. The avoidant has developed within relationships at
home that make them feel judged to the extreme. In their homes they have
been both controlled and undermined. They have often been overprotected
to an extreme level as well. They start to see themselves as interpersonally
inadequate even as they experience some of their personal characteristics as
worthwhile. Where the dependent believes they have no rights and no worth
and thus must stay with someone who is powerful and strong even though
angry and hurtful, the avoidant holds no hope that others will ever notice
their worth and believes that others will repeatedly hurt them with judgment,
ridicule, and lack of recognition. Like the dependent, recovery for the
avoidant can develop from assertiveness. In one way assertiveness is easier
for the avoidant since they already believe themselves to be worthwhile.
However, in the avoidant, recovery requires them to discount the importance
of others. Avoidants give others too much power by thinking that the
opinions of others matter more than they actually do. Interestingly, the
avoidant's self-critical nature, which they have developed for the purpose of
controlling the level to which criticism by others can hurt them, is actually far
harsher than the criticism anyone else feels. If the avoidant can learn to care
less about judgments of others, and more about their own judgments, which
must become far less harsh, they can become more interpersonally
comfortable, and thus develop interpersonal relationships.
Schizoid Personality
Schizoids have extremely little interpersonal involvement. Unlike the
avoidant, however, who cares a great deal about others, the schizoid has
little interpersonal involvement because they simply don't care. The schizoid
typically comes from a home in which they were controlled by a parent to
such an extreme level that their needs never counted for anything. They had
to do like the parent, and think like the parent. In essence, they were merely
the instrument of the parent. Those feelings as a child have actually led to a
complete lack of feeling. Schizoids are sometimes seen in relationships
because they are attractive to others who need to be with someone who has
no needs. Although the schizoid has no need for relationship, they do desire
sexual release, and thus they do seek out interpersonal contact. It is very
difficult for someone with schizoid personality to change. They are literally
locked into having no emotion, and that remains to be a useful orientation to
life since anyone with whom they come into contact is viewed as another
person to whom they must submit. In couples counseling schizoids do
sometimes change because the level at which they are completely controlled
by their spouse becomes so intolerable that even the schizoid starts to notice
how bad they feel. At times, the schizoid can start to crack in such
circumstances. Although the most likely scenario is an explosive outburst
followed by a return to emotionless robotic compliance with expectations,
occasionally the breakdown leads to a flood of feelings which can develop
into a rebuilding of emotional life one step at a time. Such rebuilding
requires, unfortunately, extreme changes in the spouse as well, who must
relinquish significant control simultaneously to the schizoid learning to pay
attention to their feelings.
Paranoid Personality
We all become paranoid at times. A person with paranoid personality,
however, is suspicious of everything. Most frequently a person with
paranoid personality grew up feeling ridiculed and put down, and also often
abused, within a family where everything had to be kept secret. The more
aggressive or powerful such ridicule was, and the closer to the paranoid the
perpetrators of that ridicule, the more likely the paranoid will feel persecuted
as opposed to merely ridiculed. Feeling persecuted for the paranoid can lead
to violently aggressive emotions in the paranoid personality. Because there is
such a powerful need to hide that aggression, however, some paranoid
personalities can become psychotic in their paranoia as their aggression turns
to violent fantasy. As a child, the paranoid felt like everything they did was
watched, analyzed and judged. It is common that the paranoid was
unfavorably compared with others in the family as well. Frequently, they
felt as though they might have traits that would make them successful, but
even achievement could not prove them to be worthwhile human beings,
unlike others who were clearly worthwhile. Quite often the reason the
paranoid was watched and analyzed so regularly was that his or her parents
themselves were also paranoid. They suspected bad intentions from the
paranoid in spite of some talents or possibly some usefulness. They would
not trust him no matter what, and thus he felt untrustworthy as well as
ridiculed. In turn he became the person who would not trust others so that
he would no longer have to feel his own lack of trustworhiness. That is,
instead of feeling untrustworthy, the paranoid chooses to see others as
untrustworthy. Unfortunately, the paranoid's sensitivity to secrets, and his
feeling that everyone is against him, results in others keeping secrets from
him to keep him from getting upset. Thus, his fears become reality and
prove him correct. In spite of the clear connection between his inability to
trust and the fact that others behave in an untrustworthy manner, the
paranoid never becomes aware of his own influence in making others keep
secrets from him or talk behind his back. The paranoid rarely becomes close
to anyone and thus it is quite difficult to disprove their view of an
untrustworthy world. At times they do become close to others from whom
they believe they might actually gain the approval they have always needed
but have given up seeking. However, those individuals often remind them of
family members and thus are likely to be somewhat conspiratorial in their
own behavior. The conspiratorial nature of these few with whom they
become close can lead to more proof that the world is untrustworthy. The
paranoid, for obvious reasons, rarely shows up in a therapist's office. They
do not want anyone to see their true feelings for fear that the other will take
advantage, or worse, that the other will see that the paranoid is truly
worthless. Nevertheless, if the paranoid does show up in therapy, perhaps
as a child brought by a parent or by a spouse who has managed to be the
one to whom the paranoid looks for possible acknowledgment, it is
absolutely necessary to bolster an understanding of the paranoid as a
legitimate, important, person, and to encourage openness. The paranoid
must come to believe that he is worthy of love and affection, and that others
will recognize that worth. Essentially, the cure for the paranoid is the
discovery that openness does not lead to ridicule and that he is not
elementally bad. This cure can only take place if the primary relationships
within his life transform from suspicious to trusting.
Personality disorders are extremely common. Although the personality
disorders described above do not come to therapy as much as narcissistic,
borderline, passive aggressive, histrionic and obsessive compulsive
personality disorders, they are likely equally common. Thus, many
individuals seeking help for these problems, or seeking understanding of
them due to how their own relationships are affected by others with these
disorders, are perhaps in need of information about them that they are
unlikely to find anywhere but in a book. Although these small vignettes of
personality could prove insufficient, for anyone looking to find information
about these disorders, it is hoped that these snippets offer a beginning in the
search for better understanding.