PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
PERSONALITY
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
“That is soooooo Passive Aggressive!!!” I don't know about you, but I
have heard that so many times. Often people merely mean to say that
a person's actions may seem nice or cooperative on the surface, but
those actions truly make others feel like crap. Sometimes people call
someone passive aggressive just because they are angry about someone
being nice when they themselves think the situation is not really so
nice. To psychologists, however, the term means quite a bit more. In
fact, there is a whole personality designation, or diagnosis, that goes
along with the term.
Behaviors indicative of passive aggressive personality at a clinical level
include being argumentative yet avoiding confrontation, having
difficulty with authority, having difficulty finishing things, being lazy,
and fearing the judgment of others. At the core of being passive
aggressive is a conflict between feeling good about oneself (and
sometimes exaggeratedly great), while simultaneously feeling as though
it is a must to please others. Because the Passive Aggressive feels the
need to please others, they also perceive themselves as always doing
for others and rarely getting anything in return. They perceive others
as controlling them because they feel they have to do what is asked of
them. The life of the Passive Aggressive Personality is constantly filled
with depleting disappointment as they perceive the world to be unfair
and and unjust.
The typical Passive Aggressive appears to be very pleasant and mild-
mannered, but is generally filled with resentment. They lack
assertiveness, not because they don't think they are deserving, but
because they are mortally fearful of others' disappointment or anger.
Although they love to take the devil's advocate position in debates and
often hone their arguments fastidiously, they can't stand competition of
any kind if they think anyone's feelings might get hurt. They are
perceived as lazy largely because, in trying to please, they agree to do
things but rarely follow through because they don't like being told what
to do. They are especially sensitive to judgment in others, not just
because they feel it is wrong, but because their lack of assertiveness
leads to constant misunderstandings and misjudgments. In short, the
Passive Aggressive very rarely gets what they want because they are
afraid of hurting or disappointing others if they say what they want.
Although they want to succeed and achieve, their inability to compete
and their inability to respect authority combine to make success, or any
kind of finishing, impossible. The Passive Aggressive feels cheated by
life, but because of their self-perception, and the behavior associated
with that perception, they actually cheat themselves. Because they
rarely get what they want and fail to achieve, the Passive Aggressive is
typically either depressed or headed for inevitable depression.
The development of the Passive Aggressive Personality can be
delineated through a few common factors. The Passive Aggressive's
response to their environment, in fact, often makes perfect sense given
what they have experienced as children. In the family that will spawn
the Passive Aggressive, there is typically a great deal of drama and
judgmental behavior. As a young child, the Passive Aggressive quickly
learns that, although they are loved, at least one of their parents, and
possibly others in the family, are quick to anger or disappointment
when independent thoughts are expressed or when independent action
is taken. In fact, at least one of the parents is extremely difficult to
please and often wants all the attention the family has to offer. A
parent of the Passive Aggressive does not like to be challenged and
needs others to find them fascinating and exciting. Thus, the Passive
Aggressive learns that their feelings are unimportant, or at the least,
must be put on hold till the needs of others are addressed. It is
interesting, however, that the Passive Aggressive does seem to feel
loved.
If it were not for the fact that the Passive Aggressive is confident that
they are loved and loveable, their personality functioning would be far
worse. In the same type of family from which the Passive Aggressive
comes, some individuals will seemingly choose to compete with the
drama of the parent(s) and become uncontrollable and irresponsible.
However, such competition will prevent that person from experiencing
a feeling of specialness because their drama will preclude the possibility
of anyone appreciating who they really are (please see article
“Histrionic Personality”). In families where there is too little love
and/or abuse, personalities that develop are almost devoid of all
compassion due to overwhelming storms of emotion within those
personalities related to exquisite vulnerability, vengeful rage, complete
deprivation, and a voracious need to control. Knowledge that the
Passive Aggressive is loved, and the hope that they can be loved, are at
the core of the Passive Aggressive's functioning. They use their well-
developed ability to read the needs of others, an ability honed out of
trying to please others much of the time, to remain connected. The
pleasing of others, although resented by the Passive Aggressive, is the
life line for the Passive Aggressive and can be harnessed to help them
find a cure to their painful functioning.
When things seem to get worse for the Passive Aggressive, it typically
has occurred because their personality characteristics have led them to
relationships with others who need someone to constantly care for their
needs. Such a person feels familiar to the Passive Aggressive who has
experienced such people in their family of origin. Because the Passive
Aggressive is so good at pleasing during the initial phases of a
relationship, the person who needs so much attention will feel
especially loved by the Passive Aggressive. Unfortunately, over time,
the Passive Aggressive, who was hoping that all their care would lead
to the final undoing of their unrequited existence, finds that the other is
so used to being on the taking end of the relationship that they are
unwilling or unable to give up the deal. They have been having
everything their way and they think that's the way things should be.
To them it doesn't even make sense to give back. The Passive
Aggressive, thus is confirmed in their belief that that others are unfair
and that they will never get what they want.
Quite often, it is not necessary that the people they meet be at all
selfish. Just the fact that the Passive Aggressive seems to have few
needs leads most people to take what they want first. Most people
assume a person who says they have no preference for things actually
has no preference. So, they have what they want because they know
they have a preference. When such a situation devolves into the
Passive Aggressive becoming increasingly negative, the other person
typically feels like they have been misled by the Passive Aggressive.
They resent that they are being resented when the Passive Aggressive
did not even do anything to suggest their needs weren't being met until
they are suddenly completely upset and acting cheated.
The typical person will respond, however, to the behavior that will help
cure the Passive Aggressive of their difficulties. Assertiveness is the
cure. In their relationships, and upon entering relationships or any new
situation, the Passive Aggressive must be assertive. Being assertive is
completely alien to the Passive Aggressive, so it must be learned
(please see article, Assertiveness, the 30% Solution). Essentially, being
assertive means expecting, and asking for, your needs to be met while
understanding the needs of others and the context of your situation.
Assertive people tend to get what they want enough of the time to feel
happy. When they enter new situations or new relationships, others
know who they are and what they want, but they also know the
assertive person will be fair most of the time in understanding the needs
of others. Thus, relationships are much more likely to move forward
in healthy directions and no one is likely to feel cheated. Two parts of
assertiveness actually come quite easily to the Passive Aggressive.
Because they have spent their lives trying to please others, they are
exceptionally good at understanding the needs of others and the context
of situations. To be assertive, the Passive Aggressive really only needs
to figure out how to say what they want.
It is typically quite difficult for the Passive Aggressive to change while
in a relationship with someone who is already used to them being so
pleasing. In those cases where the other is relatively healthy, however,
even though it is difficult, two main tools can be used to bolster
assertiveness and help the Passive Aggressive figure out what they
want. In the Passive Aggressive's striving for assertiveness, they will
need to amplify their preferences and view their own needs as
completely legitimate. In the process of pleasing others, the Passive
Aggressive has learned to fool themselves into truly believing their
preferences are not very important (they often tell themselves they are
strong enough not to have needs). In that process, they are actually
acting as though their own needs are less legitimate than the needs of
others. If they amplify their preferences and treat themselves as
legitimate, the Passive Aggressive simply can put themselves at the
same level as others. By seeing their own feelings as legitimate and
amplifying their preferences, the Passive Aggressive can get used to
figuring out what they want and how to say it.
Assertiveness leads the Passive Aggressive to normal functioning. As
they start to get their needs met, the idea that their needs will never be
met starts to crumble. Others start to understand them because they
are no longer so indirect. The feeling that they get what they want
when they try, leads to ever increasing efforts and hard work. Their
need to argue about impersonal topics, borne from feelings of
powerlessness, diminishes and is replaced by a legitimate desire to push
for what is important to them. Carping at authority figures merely due
to resentment about control is replaced by cooperation with authority
(when authority is congruent with one's own interests) with the
confident knowledge that everyone, including them, makes their own
choices. Successful efforts in being assertive leads to the complete
turnaround in functioning. Where depression was the only possible
outcome for the Passive Aggressive, after assertiveness is learned,
growth becomes possible and life can then be fully embraced.