Obsessive Compulsive
Personality
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Perfectionism, the desire to do everything perfectly, or the desire to be
perfect, is at the core of the obsessive compulsive personality. But there's
no such thing as perfect. Right? That is the dilemma that plagues the
obsessive compulsive. Most individuals with obsessive compulsive
personality (as opposed to obsessive compulsive disorder*) have developed
within relatively healthy circumstances, except for one thing. For some
reason they have developed the impression that they could easily lose the
love of their parents if they did not do things “right.” In an alternate variant
of obsessive compulsive personality (which is equally, if not even more
prevalent), some people develop the idea that they must always be “good” to
earn parental love. Through some mixture of genetic sensitivities and
parental authority, the obsessive compulsive learns to do it “right” or to “be
good” or face significant disapproval. Guilt is thus always connected to
obsessive compulsive patterns as the obsessive compulsive determines that
they are, of course, to blame for parental disapproval. Although they
typically feel cared for at the most elemental levels, this last but essential
element, the feeling that one is loved unconditionally, is not quite complete
for the obsessive compulsive.
Now this might not sound especially important at first. And perhaps
my description of the problem, as the potential loss of love, may sound a bit
overly dramatic. But for the obsessive compulsive these ideas rule their life.
To make matters worse, the whole dilemma is largely unconscious – that is,
the obsessive compulsive doesn't even know that the potential loss of love is
ruling their life. Part of thinking one is doing things “right” or is “being
good” is the thought that it is simply the “right” or “best” thing to do. If it's
just the “right” or “best” thing to do, certainly there can be nothing wrong
with it. In fact, most of the time things go so right for someone who is
obsessive compulsive that there really doesn't appear to be much wrong.
Doing things “right” and being “good” leads to hard work and a job
well-done. People who are obsessive compulsive are appreciated by others
for what they do. Their work often leads to financial success. They take
care of their things and their homes, and typically they also dress well.
They're also helpful in most circumstances and, generally speaking, they can
be relied upon. They do not miss work. They are neat and clean and
organized. Obsessive compulsives are the people who, on job applications,
make the statement true: “My biggest weakness is I try to do things too
perfectly.”
Although many things go “right” for the person with obsessive
compulsive personality, some very significant problems do, nevertheless,
arise. The inability to feel ones own innate worth as a human being is at the
core of the problem. When other problems arise, such as how obsessive
compulsive traits affect relationships or the depth of desperation that
overtakes the obsessive compulsive when something does go wrong, all other
issues come back to this basic inability to love oneself. Obsessive
compulsives lack the automatic thought that they are worthwhile and
important because they feel the love they have received is conditional. As
indicated above, they feel that they had to do things “right” or to “be good”
or they would lose the love of their parents. This inability to experience an
innate sense of self-worth makes the obsessive fend off disaster by proving
their worth repeatedly. When problems arise, their self-worth is left
perilously dangling over an abyss of self-doubt, and at those junctures
obsessive compulsives often plunge into desperate, guilt filled, depression.
The obsessive compulsive may not realize it, but they are constantly
trying to prove themselves worthy of love. They don't realize it, however,
because, oddly, their experience of trying to prove their love doesn't feel that
way at all. Most of the time, in fact, the obsessive compulsive perceives
themselves as being the one to whom others must prove themselves. And
strangely, that is also true. In fact, the obsessive compulsive expends so
much effort at being beyond reproof, that they are often almost
unassailable. The obsessive compulsive attempts to see every possibility and
take care of every eventuality before anyone else possibly could. Even in
psychotherapy, the obsessive compulsive experiences such pain and shame
over someone else seeing their tendencies before they see them for
themselves that they often rush to beat the therapist to the punch when it
comes to insights. Most of the time self-analysis is positive in psychotherapy
in that therapists usually find it most useful if a client finds their own truths,
but in the case of the obsessive compulsive insight is less important than
relationship.
The very fact that the obsessive compulsive has to prove their worth
clearly demonstrates that they are not convinced of their own self-worth.
The obsessive compulsive, however, does not truly rely on love from others
for their self-esteem, as it may at first seem. Unlike other personality
disorders in which there was no love for the individual's true self as a child -
that is, their weaknesses, desires, need for independence, their natural born
assertiveness or aggressiveness - the obsessive compulsive personality knows
that those things have been accepted within them. As opposed to feeling
those things should not exist within them, the obsessive compulsive instead
feels those things should never be allowed to harm their relationships. They
have observed disdain and rigidity with respect to those aspects of
themselves and have thus deemed those aspects harmful. The obsessive
compulsive thus aims to control these harmful emotions by doing things
“right” or by “being good.”
The control obsessive compulsives maintain over their very human
attributes does not require wholesale denial as it does in other personality
types, but the rigidity that was once experienced as disapproval is now co-
opted within the obsessive compulsive to ensure those traits are not
expressed. The obsessive compulsive does not need love for those
attributes. They do know they can be loved in spite of them. But because
they are deemed to be harmful, the obsessive compulsive works diligently so
these potentially harmful feelings will not be seen. In that process, they
become their own harshest critics. Instead of proving themselves to others,
the obsessive compulsive aims to continually prove themselves to
themselves. If they can be perfect enough, they believe, perhaps they will
be beyond criticism. In the psyche of the obsessive compulsive, to be
beyond criticism is to be worthy of unconditional love.
Again, it's important to mention that the obsessive compulsive often
does not realize they are trying to prove themselves. If they are good at
doing things perfectly, they often have themselves quite well convinced that
they are worthwhile. Because their perfectionism is so appreciated, their
worth is reflected back to them constantly. Others love their work ethic,
their knowledge, their ability to get things done. Likewise, although guilt is a
huge motivator for the obsessive compulsive because they feel they have
failed their parents which has resulted in the loss of their parents' love, they
typically experience very little guilt. Of course that sounds very strange,
doesn't it? How could it be possible that avoiding guilt is a primary
motivator if it's rarely experienced? The fact is, however, as long as the
obsessive compulsive's perfectionism is working adequately, they need not
feel guilty, and do successfully avoid guilt, because they are doing everything
so “right” or are being so “good.” Thus, the obsessive really has no reason
in the present, while all is going well, to doubt their own confidence,
rightness or goodness.
Unfortunately, things can begin to unravel. The rigidity the obsessive
compulsive has developed may help them deny their feelings of being not
quite good enough by making things too perfect to go wrong, but because
that rigidity prevents closeness with others, it also causes others to be
conditional in their affections for the obsessive compulsive. People feel
close to one another when they experience one another as human – that is,
imperfect. In the obsessive compulsive, the inability to have others see their
imperfections prevents healthy connection with them. The relationships
obsessive compulsives develop are often predicated on the function each
person has within the relationship. Because their relationships are functional,
they aren't intimate. Their relationships remain conditional because others
are always depending upon them for very particular responses. Others feel
the obsessive compulsive gets certain things done and is hardly affected by
what's going on around them. Thus, there is little reason to be concerned
about them having sensitivities that must be taken into account. If their
sensitivities need not be considered, there is unlikely to be any real
connection. In this “perfect” way, obsessive compulsives actually prevent
themselves from gaining love from others.
Even worse, while the obsessive compulsive does not appear to have
any particular sensitivities, they are sticklers for detail, either about how
things are done or about how to do the right thing for others. Others around
them are not concerned about hurting them in any way, but they are very
concerned about disappointing the obsessive compulsive. The obsessive
compulsive is generally very critical. They hold everyone to very high
standards. When their rigid standards are not met, they can become
extremely upset, condescending and judgmental. They are also perceived to
be controlling because they act as though they know the “right” way for
things to be done and everything must be done that particular “right” way.
Of course, this behavior in the obsessive compulsive prevents closeness as
well. It is so typical for an obsessive compulsive to create obsessive
compulsive children because, even though they care very deeply about their
children, their children experience the love they're given to be conditional.
Instead of paying attention to their children's sensitivities, the obsessive
compulsive focuses on whether or not their children do things “right” or
whether their children are “good” people. The cycle thus continues with the
children lacking that particular kind of closeness with their parent that would
give them the ultimate confidence in their innate worth.
It is important also to mention some specifics related to the second type
of obsessive compulsive. As stated above, the classic type of obsessive
compulsive is perfectionistic about how things are done. Their aim is to
avoid things falling apart (what I call “responsibility fragmentation”) and the
guilt associated with things falling apart, so all their effort is focused on
control and their typical pattern of life gives the appearance that everything is
completely fine. The subtype, and there is tremendous overlap between the
two, are those obsessive compulsives who are particularly perfectionistic
about being “good” people. Although this second type also wants to
maintain control and prevent disaster, their most important aim is avoiding
blame for others being hurt and the guilt associated with others getting hurt,
not avoiding responsibility fragmentation. The most horrifying eventuality
for the second type is the possibility of being isolated due to the potential loss
of love from loved ones. If they don't take “perfect” care of others, and
then something difficult occurs in the life of some other, the “good”
obsessive will typically assume they could have helped prevent that problem
or could have somehow influenced the other to do something differently that
might have prevented that problem. The second type of obsessive
compulsive attempts to avoid guilt at all times, but will feel tremendously
guilty when they fail to prevent any kind of disaster or if anyone ever
perceives them as putting their own needs first.
This second type of obsessive compulsive often can't say “no.” They
so often think of what others need that they really think they are hardly
doing anything for themselves. In fact, they feel as though they are never
thinking of themselves and they typically act as though they have no
preferences of any kind. For that reason, this second type of obsessive
compulsive often appears to be quite responsibility fragmented in their lives
as their obligations take them in so many directions simultaneously that they
often literally feel as though they're being pulled apart. They often feel as
though each person they encounter takes a chunk of them and, in the end,
they feel like they have nothing left for themselves. In fact, where the
classic type of obsessive avoids responsibility fragmentation but often feels
alone, only to experience responsibility fragmentation and guilt when they fail
to do everything “right,” the second type avoids blame for hurt but often
feels fragmented, only to experience extreme feelings of isolation and guilt
when they fail to be as “good” as they possibly could be.
This “responsibility fragmented” type of obsessive compulsive holds
extreme standards for themselves and for others mostly in the areas of doing
the “right” thing and being moral, and they are not so concerned with how
more mechanical types of things are accomplished. While being obsessive
compulsive involves behaviors that prevent closeness with others and, with
respect to child rearing in particular, results in the perception that there is no
unconditional love, the “responsibility fragmented” obsessive spends every
effort at being loving and caring. Thus, they end up especially frustrated that
others feel they are selfish. They simply cannot believe it, in fact, since they
are putting so much effort into being as “good” as they possibly can be for
others. In some cases the “responsibility fragmented” type of obsessive is
also relatively unassertive because they always put others first. When these
obsessives find themselves being called selfish, they are especially
frustrated. Not only do they do everything they can for others, but others
also treat them badly since they are so unlikely to defend themselves or
strongly state their own wishes. Nevertheless, because others can feel their
disappointment when they have not met this obsessive's standards for
“goodness” or have not done things in the “right” way as this obsessive sees
things, even this most unassertive and indirect type of “responsibility
fragmented” obsessive personality is typically thought of by others as being
very controlling.
Even if a person's true aim is to care for others, if others must do
everything the “right” way according to that person's standards, others will
never feel like they are truly cared for. Others only experience the feeling
that they're not doing things well enough or the “right” way. Where doing
things “right” is concerned, others will mostly perceive themselves as valued
by the classic type of obsessive compulsive to the extent that they do things
“right.” This remains true with the “responsibility fragmented” type of
obsessive compulsive. Where being a “good person” is concerned, others
will mostly perceive themselves as valued by the “fragmented” obsessive to
the extent that they maintain moral standards similar to those of the
obsessive. Although this type of obsessive compulsive feels they are
anything but controlling, others feel controlled by them, just as they do by
the more rigid, classic type of obsessive compulsive, but they feel more
controlled by the standards held by the “responsibility fragmented” obsessive
compulsive as opposed to by being told exactly what to do.
All of the personality characteristics and interpersonal dynamics
discussed above develop around the fact that the obsessive compulsive never
experiences unconditional love and that they do experience the lack of
unconditional love as the potential loss of love. There is also a particular
thought pattern the obsessive compulsive develops in order to further
prevent the experience of possible loss. For the obsessive compulsive, part
of the need to prove themselves to themselves is a defense against possible
loss of others in that they believe that by making themselves perfect, those
they love will love them, and that those they love will be protected since the
obsessive compulsive takes care of everything as perfectly as possible. In a
way, the obsessive compulsive makes a very specific deal with life. The
deal is this: If I do everything “right,” and always try my best, then nothing
will go wrong. The problem with that deal should be clear. While most
problems can be prevented, a few, like natural disasters, all kinds of
accidents, and many illnesses, cannot. The obsessive compulsive's gambit
really does not become a problem until some kind of disaster occurs.
The most prevalent kind of disaster that wreaks havoc to the defense
of perfectionism is when a loved one leaves or rejects the obsessive
compulsive. Because they are often critical, condescending and controlling,
although the obsessive compulsive typically really does mean the best, their
loved ones often experience a need to escape or to otherwise reject the
obsessive compulsive. Children grow up and leave, and sometimes don't
want to remain in contact. That is especially true when they feel they have
not met the obsessive compulsive's standards. They experience their
obsessive compulsive parent to be smothering and difficult. If, on the other
hand, they are developing their own obsessive compulsive characteristics,
then they often experience their parent's criticism as undermining,
unsupportive and competitive, even as they are trying their best to be perfect
as well. Their parent's behavior becomes a reminder that love has been
conditional. Spouses also find a need to leave for similar reasons. They feel
unable to gain the love of the obsessive compulsive, they feel put down and
never good enough, and eventually they feel they can't take it anymore.
Any other kind of disaster also causes extreme emotional hardship for
the obsessive compulsive. Auto accidents, loss of loved ones to medical
problems, loss of jobs, natural disasters, etc... all make no sense to a person
who has thought that everything would go well if they just did everything as
“right” as possible. Because the defense of perfectionism is supposed to
protect the obsessive compulsive from all that may harm them or their loved
ones, the obsessive compulsive can quickly begin to think the sky is falling.
They become racked with anxiety to the point of panic and depressed to the
point of feeling life has lost all meaning. They believe they have been
proven worthy of love, and they have convinced themselves that they are
immune to disaster because they so diligently attempt to anticipate every
possible danger. So, how is it possible that disaster still comes? They feel
that they had a deal. When the disaster comes, they immediately perceive
themselves to be unworthy of love. And they perceive themselves to be
defenseless in the face of a chaotic dangerous world. The deal has been
broken and they feel cheated and angry. They have always thought the
world was being fair to them because they had tried so hard. Now it
becomes clear, in the most intolerable way, that the world is truly unfair in
some regards. Bad things really do happen to good people. There is no
ultimate control. There is no absolute safety. Just as in the case of losing
those they love due to their critical and/or exacting nature, the obsessive
compulsive experiences a great loss with any kind of disaster since they lose
the ability to believe they are immune to such problems.
As is the case with many personality problems, strangely, disaster
brings with it the opportunity for change. It is unfortunately all too common
for the disaster to simply embitter the obsessive compulsive while they
continue to use the defense of perfectionism, and possibly even become
more critical and condescending toward others, and sometimes even more
fragmented with responsibility. However, when the obsessive compulsive
begins to recover from the disaster that has befallen them, they can also start
to love themselves more unconditionally. They become able to see that
there is no “perfect” and that, even though life can be managed relatively
well with great effort, it is not possible for them, or anyone else, to prevent
every problem. In that way the obsessive compulsive becomes more
grateful for every moment and more accepting of others. Others start to feel
more comfortable with them then, and where they once lost others over
competition for who is right, or because others wanted to feel accepted in
spite of their differences, now others more freely appreciate the recovering
obsessive compulsive. Because they are more appreciative of others
differences and the vagaries of a chaotic world, the recovering obsessive
compulsive becomes more immune to disaster than they had ever been
before. Although they continue to be careful, they recover from the idea
that they have a deal in which nothing should go wrong. They benefit then
from the care they take, without being so vulnerable to being blind-sided by
that which is out of their grasp or control.
More than any other disorder, the obsessive compulsive makes
tremendous strides in their recovery. Although their obsessive compulsive
issues have led to the very loss they had always hoped to prevent, those very
same tendencies have often led to great accomplishments. The obsessive
compulsive personality is really only one step away from true mental health.
With the recovery that comes from accepting disaster, whether that disaster
be interpersonal or natural, comes a new understanding of the world around
them, including their relationships. With this final step of beginning to treat
themselves and others with unconditional positive regard, the recovering
obsessive compulsive begins to also receive unconditional positive regard
from others. Part of recovery involves becoming more assertive. The more
classic type of obsessive compulsive continues to care about what he wants,
but becomes much less aggressive in pursuing it since he now cares what
others want as well. The “responsibility fragmented” type now realizes that
she cares about what she herself wants, but unlike before she now starts to
be direct in asserting those desires while continuing to be sensitive to the
needs of others as she has always been.
The obsessive compulsive also benefits tremendously from the fact that
they have always worked so hard to do things well. Because they have
already built up so many accomplishments with their obsessive compulsive
tendencies, the obsessive compulsive in recovery now stands ready to take
pleasure in all they have built. With their new found ability to accept
themselves and others with compassion and without critique, in recovery the
erstwhile obsessive compulsive initiates a new, positive, growth in the fertile
soil they have already so “perfectly” tilled and sowed. In their recovery, the
obsessive compulsive takes in a bountiful harvest for which they are truly
grateful. They finally develop the ability to offer unconditional love to those
they hold most dear. But most importantly, in their recovery the obsessive
compulsive discovers unconditional love for their self right there where it
really should have been all along - within their very own heart.
(*There are two similar and overlapping psychological problems known as
obsessive compulsive personality and obsessive compulsive disorder.
Because they tend to overlap quite a bit, they are often confused with one
another. In this article, I discussed aspects of obsessive compulsive disorder
to the extent that they are involved in the obsessive compulsive personality.
That is, ritualistic cleaning or hand washing, counting, obsessing on particular
thoughts, locking and re-locking doors, checking all sorts of things, buttoning
and re-buttoning, etc... are all symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder,
but not necessarily related to obsessive compulsive personality.
Differentiating thee two issues is important because much of obsessive
compulsive disorder is genetic, while obsessive compulsive personality may
be related to genetic issues, but is more specifically related to a particular
orientation to life. Obsessive compulsive personality, and especially mere
traits of obsessive compulsive personality, can have very little relation to
genetics at all.)