Women and Men
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Women and men are certainly very different, but I don't think we're
from other planets. In fact, people of all kinds, regardless of gender or race,
are a lot more alike than different. Our emotions are derived from the need
for love, for companionship and desire, for safety and independence. We're
all motivated by success, no matter how differently defined. Loss makes us
depressed, whether it be loss of love, loss of hope, or loss of trust. We all
like to win. No one likes to lose. Whether or not we're in control, feeling
things are within our grasp is generally desirable. We all can feel
overburdened with the responsibility of caring, but we all need relationships
(to a higher power even when not with others). One thing is absolutely
definite on this matter. First and foremost, Men and women are Earthlings.
Nevertheless, it also can't be denied that the roles we've played through time,
and by design, make us different too.
We need only extrapolate from the obvious physical differences between
the sexes to understand what the psychological differences might be. That
is, women bear children and are more naturally soft to the touch while men
develop strength and are more naturally rough and coarse. The roles the
sexes have played throughout time have clearly been delineated along these
lines. Because women bear children and because men are more likely to be
bigger, stronger, and faster, each has been more likely to develop
psychological characteristics suitable to the roles their biological differences
determined for them. No one can know for sure whether these differences
in psychological characteristics were innate from the very beginning. But
there can be little doubt that gendered personality characteristics exist, and
that they are either innate or have apparently become biological over time
simply due to the force of nature's influence. Human beings develop
tendencies over time that make them adapt to the necessities of their
environment. Since women have spent more of their time watching over
and nurturing their offspring they developed psychological abilities and
tendencies that helped them take care of the home-fire and nurture others.
Since men have spent more of their time hunting for meat and protecting the
family unit, they developed those psychological abilities and tendencies that
helped them hunt for food and guard the family. These appear to be the
greatest differences between the sexes.
That is, women are like nurture/nesters and men are like
hunter/guardians. Although women are often fantastic at accomplishing
tasks, and many women are much better at it than many men, there is a
general tendency for most women to be best at those tasks that make use of
nesting skills. For example, many times, but not all the time, women are
especially skilled at accomplishing tasks because they include, as part of their
approach to those tasks, the ability to nurture. Women are much more likely
to make good use of encouragement and connection with others within a
group setting than are men. Quite often it is also noticed that women will
bring a superior multi-tasking ability to their work. That, too, likely derives
from the necessity to do many things at once in the process of nesting, which
includes child-rearing, making a suitable home, feeding, and preparing for the
future. Nesting skills involve nurturance, connection, communication, and
making people feel good and understood. Although women do often like
independent activities, most activities in which they engage involve direct
care for others, and most of their pleasurable activities involve others as well.
Men, on the other hand (and as stated above), are like hunters or
guardians. They can be great at child-rearing and nurturing, and many men
are much better at it than many women, but there is a general tendency for
most men to be better at defining and completing clearly circumscribed tasks
as would be necessary in hunting or guarding. Many times, but not all the
time, men are especially good at accomplishing group tasks if it is important
to specifically manage the role each participant must take. That is, men are
more likely to be good at telling people what to do without mincing words or
having second thoughts. In a group hunt, or when a group is to protect a
community, the ability to see each persons' role in an instrumental way
would be essential. It can also often be noticed that men are less likely to be
distracted in their tasks by the aspects of those tasks that are outside their
role. It seems quite likely that designing specific plans, and careful follow
through on those plans, are skills that were developed in the process of
hunting and guarding, which include protecting the family, providing a home
and food, and providing for the future. Hunting skills include “bringing
home the bacon,” getting things done, meeting goals, and getting people
motivated to move forward. Although men do get involved in group
activities, it is generally the independence they express, either in groups or
while alone, that defines their character and many of the pleasurable
activities in which they engage do not necessitate the involvement of other
people.
Even with all that said (and I hate to repeat myself, but due to the
sensitivity of the issue it is likely necessary), it is so important to remember
that we are much more alike than different. It is also extremely important to
remember that in many individual men and/or individual women these
gendered differences seem to be either completely or almost completely
untrue. But these differences do hold true so often that defining them, and
developing and understanding them, is essential in helping many couples.
People, in general, believe too much that others are just like we are, which
actually leads to misunderstandings. If we believe others know they should
see something just as we do, and then they do something different, we are
far too likely to believe they have purposely done something hurtful even if
they truly had the best intentions. With that in mind, what follows are the
primary ways that gendered differences are so commonly exhibited within
relationships. Understanding these differences can lead to increased
understanding where previously certain actions have been thought to be
evidence of bad intentions. As will be seen, understanding these differences
is often very helpful in developing communication between men and women
in relationships.
The most salient difference between the sexes involves their disparate
approaches to problem solving. The typical scenario involves the woman
seeking acknowledgment and understanding for a problem she's
experiencing, as befits her desire for connection. Of course the man, instead
of providing the sought after intimate connection that would help his mate
feel nourished in her time of need, starts to offer solutions, as befits his
desire to get the job done. That is, the man tries to fix the problem instead
of understanding his mate's needs. Strangely enough, the man cannot even
fathom what could be wrong with offering his solutions. Really and truly, he
has the best of intentions. Unfortunately, he just does not see the possibility
that listening, connecting, and reassuring is the actual goal. In his mind the
goal must be to fix the problem. The woman, on the other hand, may be
very upset by the problem she is experiencing, but she either doesn't need a
solution because she already assumes it will work itself out, or she simply
believes it's part of life and must be tolerated. She may even want to find a
solution, but that is not the primary reason for her communication. Mostly,
the woman often wants to be able to express how she is feeling so she will
be understood by her mate who can offer the connection she seeks, which
then soothes her and makes it possible for her to either tolerate the problem
or find her own solution. When the man does offer solutions, because the
woman does not feel the connection she seeks, his efforts often lead to a
break down in understanding, the problem is left unsolved, and the woman
feels no benefit from her effort at communication.
When a man has a problem, on the other hand, he typically expresses it
only because he is announcing his solution to handling the problem. He
doesn't want solutions offered any more than the woman does. Unlike
women, who at least look to communicate about problems, men will mostly
seek alone time when they have a problem. During that alone time, men will
often try not to think about the problem, but rather will wait for a solution to
come to them spontaneously. When a man does express some kind of
problem, and is announcing his solution, women cannot fathom that men are
not looking for connection and understanding. Rather, men are more likely
looking for recognition and respect, since they are announcing a solution to a
very difficult problem they believe they have solved. That the woman tries
to offer support is viewed as insulting by the man, similarly to how a woman
can often view the man's problem solving tactics insulting when she brings
up a problem. By offering connection and understanding through her
assistance, the woman is experienced by the man as providing the opposite
of respect and recognition because the man sees that assistance as a rejection
of the solution he has presented. This feeling of rejection within the man
often leads to a total breakdown in communication, and thus the woman's
bid for connection leads to its opposite and the man feels his solution is not
supported by the woman.
The breakdown in communication men and women experience can often
turn to arguing as well. The hunting and nesting view of men and women in
relationships is quite instructive in understanding the general patterns of
argument between the sexes. How often do men complain, or joke in
support of one another, about their mates' amazing ability to remember
every hurtful thing their man has ever done. This ability women have
undoubtedly comes from the great importance of taking care of the feelings
of loved ones. Women need to perceive emotions in order to care for them
which thus elevates the importance of emotion. The great understanding of
emotions women have may also come from the need to perceive the relative
safety or trustworthiness of those allowed close to offspring or the home.
Because emotions are so important in taking care of others and in judging the
safety of others and situations, women remember quite well being wronged
or hurt. Interestingly, women often do not even believe they have done
hurtful things themselves because they believe they try to be so sensitive to
others. It's hard for women to believe they could actually hurt others with
their opinions and criticisms because their intent in expressing them is to
make sure others are cared for or that their man be more sensitive to them.
For women, the issue is whether or not they can trust their man to be close
to them.
When men argue, they typically believe the argument is about the
current situation and figuring out what to do about it. The fact that women
bring up what the man has done so many times before seems almost
immaterial to the man, who looks at this situation as different from all the
others. The woman's point about the past is that intimacy in the relationship
is being damaged by the repeated bombardment on her ability to trust. She
is actually fighting about who the man is or about his character. The man
doesn't see that trust is the issue. He is instrumental in his view of the
circumscribed problem at hand and separates the past from the current
situation in order to see things as clearly as he can. In fact, the man's not
especially concerned about trust in the moment, and his trust for his mate is
much less often brought into question. Although men are certainly
concerned about trust, their view of themselves as independent makes them
mostly believe they can go it alone, thus making trust a far smaller issue for
them. Because the historical view brought out by the woman is, in fact, a
challenge to the man's trustworthiness or character, the man does not
perceive it as a bid to make him more sensitive, but rather as an attack on
who he is. Quite often arguments between men and women are not about
the topic at hand at all, but rather for the woman it's about not trusting and
needing more intimacy which requires trust, and for the man it's about
proving the integrity of his character or about not being allowed
independence.
The hunters versus nesters dichotomy is also helpful in understanding
what makes most men and most women feel good within interactions. As
stated above, because men are like hunters or guardians, they look for
respect and recognition from their mate as the mainstay of their self-esteem.
Nothing makes a man feel better than his mate expressing her feeling that he
is a good provider or protector. Expressing the opposite, that a man fails to
provide or that he might leave his family vulnerable, sinks a man to the
lowest depths.
As a subset to recognition, men view the material things they acquire as
prizes for their achievements. In a way, they view gifts as prizes that
acknowledge their achievements, and to whatever level they do achieve, they
like to give themselves prizes as well. The bigger the prize, the more the
man feels he is being recognized as a good hunter or guardian. When men
give their mate something that is expensive, they view it as the greatest
possible acknowledgment of their mate's worth because big prizes are what
they themselves desire. When women wonder aloud whether their mate
truly put any real thought into that fabulously expensive gift just given, men
cannot understand how their intentions were misunderstood because they
truly intended for the gift to express the utmost affection, just as a similar gift
would have been interpreted by the man as true appreciation.
Women, on the other hand, look for confirmation of their specialness
and want to feel desired and treasured by their mate, thus they aim to reach
a deeper intimacy or connection. They want their mate to want to spend
time with them, much more than to spend money on them. Nothing makes
a woman feel better than when her man extols her singular qualities, her
inner beauty and powers of attraction, her special character traits and her
unique skills. When a man treats his mate as ordinary or compares her to
others who he deems to be similar, when he acts as though she means
nothing special to him, a woman's relationship self-esteem withers to
nothing.
While men view the big gift as recognition of their achievements, women
generally view the thoughtfulness of others as indicating the highest
compliment because it demonstrates thinking about their special needs and
traits. The more thoughtful a gift or group of gifts given, the more treasured
and cherished a woman feels. When a woman gives a man many gifts, each
representing a special need or desire she knows he has, she intends him to
feel as special as possible. When men wonder if the woman's many gifts
suggest avoidance of buying them the one big thing they truly wanted,
women cannot understand how their intentions were misunderstood since
they truly intended their gifts to express the most perfect understanding of
who their mate truly is. Typically, if a woman were to receive a gift similar
to the one she gave, she'd feel it was the best gift imaginable. When the man
takes each thoughtful part and puts it aside, seeming as though disappointed
that he didn't receive the big gift, women are often quick to be hurt for the
man's lack of recognition about just how truly special and thoughtful their
gift truly was.
The hunting and nesting patterns are often so much a part of
male/female relationships, that they actually affect almost every aspect of
how men and women view their roles together. It can often be observed
that men and women are trying very hard to please one another, but each do
it in ways the other can't understand. Men are so goal oriented in their view
of relationships that they see pleasing their wife as the primary goal in
making their relationship good. But because the man believes pleasing his
mate will come from providing and protecting better, moving to a bigger
house or a more serene community, he neglects the connection part of the
relationship, which includes cherishing and treasuring. Women are so
connection oriented in their view of relationships that they see pleasing their
husband, not as a goal, but as a way of becoming more connected. The
woman offers recognition in the form of wanting to spend time with her
man, thinking that her desire to do so expresses the recognition and respect
he must want. However, because the woman sees connection as a goal in
and of itself, and because while she is connecting she craves true two-way
understanding and does not give credence to her mate's need for having light
shown on his achievements, she can often neglect the man's need for
recognition and respect. Men please women to be good at pleasing, while
they fail to connect, and thus fail to please. Women please to connect, but
fail to give recognition, and thus fail to please.
The answer to this riddle involves recognizing that men and women truly
are different. It is generally the case that we try to communicate with others
as though those others feel about things in the same way that we do. But if
different people are truly different, and we try to incorporate our
understanding of that difference into our communication, we can start to
have better relationships. Too often men treat connection or any kind of
nesting behavior as unnecessary or relatively unimportant. Too often
women treat any kind of independent, goal-directed behavior, or any kind of
hunting/guardian behavior as either unnecessary or as de facto parts of life.
If men can't see the importance of connection and nesting, they will never
understand that their mate's need to be treasured is the number one prize a
woman can receive. If women can't see just how hard their mate tries to be
that great hunter/guardian and get things done, they will never understand
their mate's greatest need, which is to be recognized and respected as a great
provider and protector.
On the other hand, if in a relationship members of a couple want to
accept that men and women are different, then it becomes possible for them
to please one another in just the way that will make each of them get what
they truly need from the relationship. If a woman wants to treat her man as
the most special person to her, sure she should spend time with him. While
she does, however, she should be sure he knows just how much she
recognizes his efforts at providing for and protecting the family, and she
should do her best to appreciate his independence and his ability to find
solutions to difficult problems. Save your time when it comes to gifts. Just
get him the big thing you know he really wants. If a man wants to give his
wife respect and recognition, sure he should spend more time with her.
While he does, however, he must be sure she knows just how special she is
and how much he treasures her. He must desire a connection with her and
make an effort to stay as close with her as possible.
In short, the correct understanding of the opposite sex leads to a simple
solution for healthy relationships. Since men are goal-oriented, they must
attempt to see their goal as creating a feeling of specialness and intimacy with
their mate. They must attempt to demonstrate how much they treasure their
mate, not by bestowing great gifts, but by being as thoughtful as possible.
Since women are connection oriented, they must attempt to be as connected
as possible with who their mate really is, including his desire for
independence and his need for recognition, rather than supposing a good
connection with him means he should desire the same kind of closeness as
does she. If a man achieves the goal of making his mate feel special, and a
woman truly connects with her man as he really is, they might just see
together the fact that neither of them is from either Mars or Venus.
Although they might not be from Venus or Mars, with the right goal for the
man, and the correct kind of connection for the woman, the health of their
relationship together might just grow to other-worldly proportions right here
on Earth.