Loss and Hope
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
We need, therefore we attach others. Our attachments run deep within
us because they represent our pursuit of love and care at the most elemental
levels. When we lose someone, or even some important thing or personal
attribute that somehow represents our attachments to others, we feel as
though a part of ourselves has been extracted from our very soul. Loss
occurs in many different ways and has many different kinds of impact
depending on what is lost and how that connection originated or was
needed. Our connections to others let us know that we're loved, and that
love exists in the world. It is common to attach the meaning of love to
objects, whether they be representations of how we show ourselves love or
how others have loved us in the past. It is also common to get ideas about
what we must be to deserve love.
Of course, loss is directly associated with depression. We become
attached to people or ideas or even things, and when they're gone, we feel
lost, bereft, deprived, alone, and limited. The loss of a loved one, the loss of
ones youth, the loss of ones social status, and even the loss of a car or a
house, or maybe even some prized possession that might be meaningless to
anyone else, are all losses that can touch off devastating sadness. The very
specific way people get attached to others, ideas, things, or even their social
standing, however, is very specific to the way they interact with the world,
and how they have come to understand what goes on around them. People
develop this way of being, their personality and character, to a great extent
based on a need to compensate for what they feel they have never had.
Thus, for most people, in a way, loss is already inside them and they are
going about their lives doing their best to overcome that loss. Loss causes
the biggest problem for people where the person, idea, or thing that was lost
is directly related to how a person manages to compensate where they feel
weak. Loss is devastating when what's been lost was imperative in making a
person feel healthy and whole.
This is not to say that grief is abnormal, but merely that grief is
expressed in a way that is specifically related to how a specific loss makes it
difficult to continue on with living. We begin life with only our genetics, but
soon we learn how we will be loved, and how we are most likely to receive
love. We may be told that we are loved unconditionally, and we may fully
believe it, but our behaviors will be specifically shaped by the way we're
treated when we do or don't do what our caretakers expect, whether we are
or aren't who they think we're supposed to be, and whether we have or don't
have the things that mean we are doing and are embodying what our
caretakers think is right. In essence, the way we attempt to earn love and
protect ourselves from pain, makes us who we are. Attachment is certainly
related to how we protect ourselves or feel protected, but the way our
personality develops for the purpose of earning love is truly the central
component in our connections. We become attached to others, ideas and
things primarily based on how we have attached to love. Thus when we
experience loss, the significance of the problem lies in how what we lost
makes us feel like we've lost love.
There are many levels of loss that can be differentiated based on how
positive a person's experiences in life have been. These levels are also
moderated by how significant the specific loss has been. Understanding how
any one person handles any particular loss requires examination of how that
one person balances negative feelings with positive attachments, and how the
particular loss fits into that pattern. Four primary levels will be discussed
here. First, some people have experienced so much chaos in their lives, and
have become so mixed up about how love can be sought, that their
attachments to others are extremely tenuous, and they consequently
experience repeated losses which they perceive as relatively insignificant
(even if this members of this group might behave extremely dramatically
about those losses). A second group never fully attaches to others due to an
inability to take responsibility in relationships and/or a general feeling of
unfairness about not being loved enough. A third group of individuals
experience full attachment, but nevertheless often experience a need to prove
themselves, largely due to an inability to believe they were loved
unconditionally. Finally, a fourth group of individuals represents fully
healthy people (really, there is no such thing, and the healthiest people fall
somewhere between the third group and this ideal) who have fully attached
to others, can fully grieve what the loss has meant to them, and who can
continue to fully benefit from how the attachment influenced them as though
the attachment will always be with them. The grieving process of each
group will be discussed below, with the style of grieving done in the
healthiest last group described as the model for healthy grieving in each of
the other groups.
Grieving among those who have been most damaged within their
personal interactions is worst when what's been lost is a rare relationship,
idea, or thing that they have managed to attain and keep within their chaotic
history. Often these individuals have very little that has lasted within their
lives. Family has hurt them more than anyone else. They trust no one.
Thus, really they have experienced loss repeatedly within their lives and they
have become jaded. Sometimes, however, there have been just one or two
people who, regardless of the surrounding chaos, have always been there.
Quite often members of this group have managed to hold on to a few things
or have managed to accomplish some level of achievement. If these few
people or these very special things have always been there, in spite of all the
troubles, their loss leaves members of this group in complete devastation.
Their reaction to most losses is denial and anger, from which they never
seem to recover. But a loss of one of these rare people, accomplishments,
or meaningful objects leads to depression so deep it may not appear that
recovery is possible. Acceptance of the loss is almost impossible since
what's been lost is part of the rare evidence that love exists. In fact, quite
often, if there are any meaningful attachments for this group, even those did
not prove that love exists, but rather only that there are a few good people
whose love is not enough within a cold hard world. Rather than recover and
accept the loss, the grieving of individuals from this group typically returns to
anger and denial, as the loss of that little bit of love in this world proves just
how necessary it is to remain cold and hard. Occasionally, however, if a loss
has had enough impact, it can lead to a change in life toward greater
involvement and responsibility with others. In just a few instances, a person
is lost who was so positive that their death makes those in this group realize
they must live the rest of their life, for honor of the dead, in more positive
and constructive ways. In that way, in just a few rare instances, a person
from this group is veritably saved by loss.
The second group feels cheated. They doubt if they're special. Taking
any responsibility often makes them feel as though others are taking
advantage, or even worse, like everything is their fault. So their relations
with others are marked by halfway attachment. They often love, and they
love a lot, but they fear their love's not requited. They try to be special, with
special abilities or special attractiveness. Often many people love them and
love them all the way, but people from this group can't experience the depth
of that love. Their attempt to demonstrate their specialness, and their belief
that no one really recognizes who they are or their true worth, leaves them
feeling like their hope for becoming fully important is trapped within those
whose esteem they covet, or the attributes they work to develop, so that
they might some day be fully recognized. When they lose one of these
people, or one of these attributes, they grieve as if they will never become
fully human. They bargain for another chance. They feel desperate, and
they fear their time is over. Their denial makes them feel as though greater
effort might just bring back what or who's been lost. Acceptance requires
they get passed the feeling that they'll never attain the true full connection
they always felt was impossible, but nevertheless never gave up on. When
they do accept that the attachment is gone, sometimes it becomes possible
for those in this group to fully assess themselves in more realistic ways.
Often one must let go of the idea that they might truly earn the recognition of
being the most special ever, or the nicest, or the most accomplished. Often
those in this group must let go of the idea that the one who they have lost
might have someday truly acknowledged their worth. Sometimes with the
experience of loss, those in this group are left with only one choice. They
must truly accept themselves and give themselves the recognition they have
always sought if they are to fully accept their loss. And with the acceptance
of themselves becomes the possibility of truly full relationships with others as
the others can now be fully acknowledged instead of being there just to
acknowledge the specialness of the individual from this group.
The third group has always understood they are fully loved, but they
try to prove themselves worthy of unconditional love after never quite
experiencing the love they knew as being unconditional. Because the love
they've experienced allows them to be fully attached, their effort to prove
themselves, however, is not an effort to prove themselves to others, but
rather is an attempt to prove themselves to themselves. When they
experience a loss, their grieving does not represent unfinished business or the
need to complete halfway attachments. They do not believe they need to
finally attain true love. Instead, they know they are loved, but it's the
support and the connection that is missed. The loss represents a part of
themselves, and they know where they got that part. It's as if the place they
got their confidence, and the place they knew to go to get true recognition of
who they are, is now gone. Although they have the feeling inside
themselves, the knowledge that they can go back and have that feeling
acknowledged and shared is gone. There is very rarely significant anger or
bargaining in this group, but denial does plague them as they attempt to
believe that the other is so securely connected within them that they believe
the loss will have little effect. Acceptance within this group requires that the
true depth of the loss is felt, understood, and grieved. This group sometimes
believes themselves to be more resilient than is really healthy, and thus they
aim to bypass the necessary grieving or depression that accompanies a real
loss. In order to reach full acceptance, this group must fully experience a
sense of the world without the earth beneath them, the air they have
breathed, or the nutrients that made growth possible. When that acceptance
occurs, however, these individuals often feel more securely attached to the
one they've lost than ever, since now they have fully faced just how much
their connection to that other made them who they are.
Ideal grieving requires ideal health. If a person were fully healthy, their
connections to others and the world around them would fully acknowledge,
with everything they do, how everything and everyone is always connected
and yet also that we are all of us completely independent and alone. With
such knowledge, loss brings about a full understanding of just how important
an attachment has been and how its loss will continue to be felt, but also
how what's been lost will continue to exist within oneself. Grieving involves
fully honoring what's been lost. Acceptance feels like a weight on ones heart
simultaneous to a feeling of awe in remembrance of the wonderful warmth,
beauty, glee, and magic that full relations with others implants within ones
heart. Full and healthy acceptance of the loss of our greatest attachments
holds the reverence and depth of our connection to those we've loved most,
and fully recognizes how that which we've lost carries on with us, and then
as well into those who will some day grieve over losing us, through our
lifetime and throughout eternity. Full acceptance of loss always carries hope
that love exists and can be found, and fully healthy acceptance of loss
recognizes that love abounds around us, is within us, and gives us hope that
love is there for all.