KEY SIGNALS - THE KEY TO JUMP
START CHANGE
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Poised for a change in your communication patterns with someone important
to you? Do you and your partner, or maybe even you and your child, know
what you do that makes the other react with anger or sadness? Does it seem
like the only barrier between where you are and where you want to be is the
inability to prevent or control the behaviors or attitudes that get you started in
the wrong direction? If you and the person with whom you want to
communicate are unequivocally in agreement about what those behaviors and
attitudes are, perhaps you can agree on a Key Signal to clue you in that the
behavior has been noticed. When behaviors that cause bad reactions can be
checked with a signal upon first notice, the negative chain reaction of events
typically initiated can often be averted.
A Key Signal is a word or hand sign that is used to covertly signal another
person that a behavior has been noticed. If two people agree in advance that
they each will stop a particular behavior or attitude when given the Key
Signal, then the chain reaction of behaviors that are typically triggered by that
behavior can be avoided. If a word is to be used, it is important that the
word be considered neutral by each party. It is especially useful if the word
is humorous. Examples of words that have been used by my clients include
“bubble,” “tiddly winks,” “tug boat,” and “bananas.” When stealth is
especially important in the process, that is, when it is important that no one
else in the vicinity is aware of the communication, a hand Key Signal is
especially useful. People have used signs like pulling the ear lobe or touching
the top of their own heads. It is important that the sign be simultaneously
noticeable and inconspicuous. An example of a Hand Key Signal that works
especially well is scratching ones shoulder with the hand from the opposite
side of the body (scratching left shoulder with right hand).
Key Signals are important because most irksome behavioral chains start with
intense feelings. We often react to something because of how we feel about
it even before we know we've reacted. Key Signals are necessary when
certain reactions have become so habitual that we are unable to notice them
or stop them from happening without someone else letting us know about
them. Reactions that seem negative or intense occur largely because we
interpret a set of circumstances as having a meaning that hurts us or makes us
want to defend ourselves. We then act like we have an attitude or we
become angry. Once one person has responded with attitude or anger, the
other person moves to defend with either a response meant to repel the other,
or a response meant to defend against the attitude or anger. From there, the
all too familiar spiral of events takes flight as each person attempts to
strengthen their position in relation to the other. Often, this spiraling flight of
defensive behaviors escalates into complete chaos.
Even after two people agree on how the particular chain reaction of behaviors
is triggered, and even when they want to try their very best to avoid those
behaviors, they still react automatically in the same ways they always have.
Thus, even though they really don't want to react that way anymore, they get
into the same troubles they always have. The Key Signal helps those who
are dedicated to preventing this awful spiral of angry and resentful power
struggling refrain from the behaviors that fuel it.
Of course there are some important potential roadblocks to relational progress
when using Key Signals. The most common obstacle is when the two
parties, although acting as though they are truly dedicated to change, are not
really in agreement about what causes the problem. If one partner tells the
other that they become insulting at times when they believe they know the
best way to handle various kinds of situations, the partner being told may
actually agree. They might even state that they will try to be better and that
the partner indicating that they've been harmed can use a Key Signal to let
them know they have started engaging in that insulting behavior. However,
the fact that they have agreed that what they do is hurtful is not really
enough. In order to accept use of the Key Signal, such a person has to
actually understand and feel that their behavior is unjustified. They need to
believe there will be no harm to them if they stop the insulting behavior.
Unfortunately, most of the time, as indicated above, the reason for the
negative behavior is some sense of harm that either has already taken place or
will take place if one is behaving well. It is quite likely that the insulting party
engages in that behavior for fear of being insulted themselves. Alternately, as
in the case of someone who thinks they know the one and only way to do
things right, they are likely to believe there will be a crisis if something is done
“wrong.”
As stated above, for use of Key Signals to be effective, each party who will
agree to stop their behaviors must recognize that the behavior is unjustified.
They could be right in feeling that they have not been treated well in the
past. They might be right in assessing that things could go badly if not done
their way. Either way, however, they must see that the escalating spiral of
negative behaviors does not help and will not help. They must see that the
escalation in behavior is actually worse than the level of hurt they feel or the
level of wrongness that will occur due to things being done differently than
they want. It helps if both partners also commit to talking things out and
really try to gain an understanding of each other, but it is the willingness to
stop the behavior that is of most concern when using Key Signals. If a
person feels so upset that they truly believe their attitude or anger is justified
enough to create escalating negativity, they will never abide by the Key
Signals no matter how much they have agreed to do so. In order to actually
respond to a Key Signal a person typically needs to truly understand their
motivations. It might be quite difficult, to continue our example, for a person
to see that they have a need to be in control which results in insulting or
officious remarks. Simply stated, if they cannot see their motivations, they
will continue to feel a need to be critical and bossy because they will feel their
behaviors are justified.
Another significant problem in using Key Signals is that people often start to
feel the Key Signal itself is an insult. If a person does not see and understand
their own behavior, when they hear or see the signal, they view it as a
personal attack. When attacked, of course, most people will respond
defensively. The defensive response then leads to the same spiraling
behavior that has always occurred. Overuse of the Key Signal also makes
people believe it is being used as an insult or maybe even as a means of
control. Using the Key Signal can be interpreted as “you loser, you're doing
it again,” or “hah, I've got you now because you've agreed not to act that
way and I can act any way I want.” Key Signals must be used sparingly or
they will quickly use all utility. Again, there can never be enough talk about
when and why, or even how often, the Key Signals are to be used.
One way to avoid misinterpretation of the Key Signal is to actually give it a
specific interpretation. Instead of the Key Signal simply meaning “stop that
thing you do that makes us get upset,” a meaning can be given to the Key
Signal that ensures it will not be taken as an insult or a criticism. Most of the
time, the best meaning for the Key Signal is “I'm hurt, please be careful.” If
someone tells a loved one that they have done something hurtful, it is rare
that they continue being hurtful. That is especially true if they have already
agreed that the behavior is hurtful. Of course, Key Signals are not only used
for hurtful behaviors, so many meanings can be given. Examples would be,
“I'm scared,” “I'm uncomfortable,” or “I am worried what people think.”
The one commonality each of these Key Signal meanings has is that none
indicate blame. Rather, the meaning of the Key Signal must be a statement
about the mental state of the person using it, and not a meaning that suggests
the one being given the Key Signal is wrong.
In fact, the meaning given to the Key Signal may just be it's most important
attribute. Where once a negative behavior was met with an equally defensive
response, with Key Signals the new meaning is one that is a healthy
response. When a person does something that makes us feel hurt, it is so so
difficult to say that we're hurt or why we're hurt. The Key Signal makes it
possible to say that we're bothered without saying the other person is a
bother. If the meaning of the Key Signal is one that clearly shows
responsibility for stating our pain rather than one that seems to be an
aggressive or controlling ploy, then the person receiving the Key Signal can
truly start to understand their effect upon others. At the same time, the Key
Signal is much easier to communicate than it would be to actually say “I'm
hurt,” or “I'm uncomfortable,” or “I'm worried what people are thinking.”
When the Key Signal is given an appropriate, responsible, and vulnerable
meaning, it simultaneously promotes real communication and prevents
negativity.
Finally, it is important for each party to the Key Signal to review how the
Key Signal will be used. In reviewing together, it can be very helpful to role-
play various scenarios of the behaviors occurring, or at least examine them as
hypothetical situations. If both people are truly in agreement, then everything
will be well-understood and prepared for, and defensive responses should not
occur. Role-playing scenarios is extremely useful for anyone trying to use
Key Signals. When using Key Signals with children, however, role-playing is
absolutely essential. Children really do not generally understand why they
react the way they do. When their defensive behavior leads to escalating
negativity, children not only have less insight than adults, but they also have
less self-control. Role-playing with them often leads to better understanding
of their motivations so that they can truly agree without feeling as though the
adults around them are asking for yet one more thing. Because kids often
feel criticized, in fact, all the warnings above about avoiding a sense of
criticism are doubly important when working with children.
Key Signals are a fabulous tool when everyone knows that certain behaviors
must change. It is by far the most useful when there is clear understanding of
the problem and the motivations behind the behaviors which cause escalating
behavioral negativity between two people. Key Signals help people get past
the intense volatility of some emotions by bringing clear communication into
the picture before old patterns of poor communication can take hold and a
situation morphs into chaos. Key Signals can say with a simple word or sign
the things that words tend to fail to say. Instead of insulting meanings being
drawn from the mention of ones behavior, the behavior's effect on the other
is quickly and appropriately understood. So many people are afflicted by
negatively chained interactions that are simply caused by a failure of
understanding that can be delivered by Key Signals. When Key Signals are
introduced, they can lead to far more loving interactions. When you're in a
relationship poised for positive change, but you just can't seem to let go of old
adverse patterns, Key Signals might just be the key. If you're ready for a
positive change, get a jump start with Key Signals.