"I" Statements
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
“I” Statements are perhaps the most commonly discussed
communication tool for relationships in existence. That makes perfect sense.
“I” Statements are one of the most important communication tools we have
for developing effective communication in relationships. When there's a
problem in communication related to feelings (as opposed to a lack of
grammatical clarity, form, style, or enunciation), one culprit is typically found
lurking. “I” Statements, when used correctly, can completely expose and
redress the culprit. That culprit, the rotten little rascal, is blame.
When people are told they've done something wrong, they typically
become defensive. We don't like to think we're wrong even when it has
nothing to do with blame. When we think someone is finding fault with us,
however, we typically can't stand being wrong. In a way, that's a good
thing. Thank goodness most people don't want to do wrong or hurt others.
When we get defensive, in a way we're just saying we don't want to hurt
anyone. Yet the fact is, people do hurt each other. Most of the time, it's
really not intentional. If the reason for telling someone they've hurt us, for
example, is to resolve some issue, then there should be significant interest in
expressing hurt in a way that can help. Successful communication of feelings
requires that blame be minimized so that the communication can be accepted.
That is the main purpose of the “I” Statement. It is designed to express
a feeling responsibly and without blame, so that it can be accepted and
answered without defensiveness. “I” statements have three primary elements,
each of which helps to combat feelings of blame. Although one person starts
a communication with an “I” statement, the process works best when two
people have agreed in advance to make use of “I” statements. First, the
feelings experienced by the the party who wants to communicate needs to be
connected to an objectively described circumstance or behavior. Second, the
communicator needs to take responsibility for his or her own feelings. These
first two elements are very frequently put together in one sentence and can be
in any order. In the third element, the party to whom the “I” statement is
being made must reflect back what has been said as accurately as possible.
While this process seems simple at first, give it a try and you will
quickly find that taking responsibility for feelings without assigning blame is
much more difficult than one might think. It is also strangely difficult to
connect your feelings with an objectively described behavior or
circumstance. In fact, it is generally also very difficult to accurately reflect
back what has been said. Constructing a really good “I” statement is actually
fairly difficult at first. Only practice makes useful use of “I” statements
possible. In that vein, perhaps some examples would be helpful.
Example 1
Man: When you came into the room I felt irritated because I perceived you to
be stomping and possibly upset with me.
Woman: I understand you to be saying that you felt irritated when I walked in
because you perceived me to be stomping and possibly mad at you.
Example 2
Woman: When you said you were going out to do the lawn, I felt so angry
because I thought we were finally going to spend some time together.
Man: You're saying you felt really angry when I said I was going out to do
the lawn because you badly wanted to spend time together.
Example 3
Man: I heard you ask me to help you hang the pictures and I felt really
frustrated and mad because I had already told you I wanted to get to my
tennis match and it seemed like you didn't care.
Woman: You're saying you got upset when I asked you to help hang the
pictures because it seemed to you like I didn't care about what you wanted to
do.
Example 4
Woman: When you were asking me about how I paid the bills, I started
getting really ticked off because it seemed to me like you were acting as
though I have no idea what I'm doing.
Man: So, you're saying you felt insulted by me when I was asking about how
you do the bills because it seemed to you like I was acting as though you
don't know what you're doing.
****
The most important points to make in reviewing these examples is that it
is avoiding blame and defensiveness that is paramount, which makes the
objective description of behavior a must. With respect to blame, instead of
saying (from example 4) “you really ticked me off,” you have to say “I
started getting really ticked off.” Instead of saying (again, from example 4),
“you acted like I don't know what I'm doing,” you have to say “it seemed like
you were acting as though I don't know what I'm doing.” With respect to
defensiveness, it is important that the reflection back to the initiator of the
communication must not immediately jump to disproving the initial
communication. Instead of saying (from example 3), “you know I always let
you do what you want,” you have to acknowledge what has been
communicated by saying “it seemed to you like I didn't care about what you
wanted to do.” Instead of saying (from example 1), “I wasn't stomping or
mad – you're the one who...,” you have to say “you perceived me to be
stomping and possibly mad at you.” Although it can be quite difficult, if “I”
statements can be performed without blame or defensiveness, and as
objectively as possible, they will be successful.
Quite often, the next step after a successful “I” statement is a new “I”
statement. In example 2, after the man has successfully reflected the
woman's communication, he might say “I can tell that you want to spend a lot
of time together, and I like that too, but sometimes I feel really squeezed by
all my time constraints and I feel pressured by you saying you have a need
for more of my time.” To which the woman would correctly reflect, “you're
saying that me saying I need more of your time makes you feel pressured,
like you just can't get everything done.” As you can see, it is not as if any
one “I” statement can be expected to resolve an entire issue. Some issues go
truly deep inside people's views of themselves and how they perceive things
in relationships. What can be done with “I” statements is that a chain of good
communications can be started that actually lead to resolve, without the
traumatizing chain of bad communications that prevent real communication
from ever happening, and which add to a feeling of competition within
relationship.
If a couple has trouble making headway with “I” statements it is likely
that competition within the couple short-circuits the desire to be fair. People
are often so caught up in the desire to win, they lose all faith in any give and
take. We come to believe that the same patterns that have always occurred
mean that the other person just wants their way, and so we become stuck on
getting our way as well. We believe we are right, but we do not believe the
other person will ever understand. Thus, when we complain, we attack and
when we hear a complaint, we defend. Instead of using communication that
suggests something like, “please understand me – I know you'll try,” we
communicate, “I am right and you are wrong, so do what I say or you're a
jerk.” If two people who are trying to communicate behave as though they
need to win, no level of “I” statements will ever lead to resolve.
All interpersonal communication is a bit like playing catch. In couples
there is a tacit assumption that each partner is willing to play. When we
speak, it's as though we've thrown a ball expecting our partner will catch it.
Competitive communication, however, leads to wild pitches and bean balls
that are impossible to catch, and thus no communication is accomplished.
Sometimes when one partner is defensive, its as though they block the ball
away instead of catching it, or maybe they don't even lift their hands to
catch. When we're trying to communicate, though, we can be somewhat
insistent, especially if we believe there's an agreement that our partner will
play catch. So, when the ball is blocked or dropped, we throw the ball again.
We think, “hey, she's right her with me, why won't she catch the ball?” Or
when our partner throws especially errant and wild pitches, we might think,
“wow, if he wants me to catch the ball, why in heck is he throwing it at me
like he's trying to knock me out of the game?” “I” statements simply make it
possible to have a satisfying game of catch in which the ball is always thrown
to be caught, and even if the ball is dropped, it's fielded pretty quickly and
then tossed back gently with hope that it will be caught the next time.
“I” statements can be useful even when two people do not agree in
advance to use them. Because “I” statements clearly communicate a feeling
without blame, even if only one person in a relationship uses them, it is much
more likely that healthy communications will follow. Because the “I”
statement takes responsibility and attempts objectivity, the listener is far less
likely to become defensive. Although the responder might not be able to
respond in a reflective manner, if the person using “I” statements continues to
respond to each new communication from the responder with a new “I”
statement, the responder will be much less likely to escalate any negative
feelings they might be experiencing. They might catch the ball clumsily and
throw it back a bit too fast, but if an “I” statement is used well, it's almost a
reflexive response to catch and toss.
“I” statements are an amazing tool for getting passed everyday blame
and defensiveness that exists in almost every relationship. In order to use
them well, each member of a couple must have a loving spirit so that they can
literally practice stating their upsets without blame and as objectively as
possible. In order to listen and respond to “I” statements in a healthy
manner, it is necessary to reflect your understanding of what's been said
without defensiveness. If couples need to “win” their arguments, rather than
seeing that a compromise through mutual understanding is possible, they will
never become good at using “I” statements. With honor and respect,
however, and with an effort to treasure one another as cherished companions,
“I” statements might just be one of the most important communication tools
you'll ever acquire. Use “I” statements consistently and with care, and
though it might be difficult to do so well at first, you'll soon catch on to using
“I” statements like you're just playing an easy game of catch.
****