HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Drama!!! That's what most people think of when they hear the word
“histrionic.” In fact, that's exactly what it means with respect to
personality. Histrionic Personality is the term used to describe a person
who engages in drama as the primary way of defending against the
vulnerabilities they fear most. Typical traits of the Histrionic
Personality include exaggerated responding, a need to be the center of
attention, a seductive nature, extreme femininity in feminine histrionics
and extreme masculinity in masculine histrionics as well as a tendency
to be easily influenced. Other less obvious traits include the inability to
take responsibility and the inability to feel special. Although histrionic
behavior is utilized frequently when a person does not actually have
Histrionic Personality (for example, individuals with Borderline
Personality frequently behave histrionically), for the individual who
truly manifests this personality, it is the need to feel special and the
inability to take responsibility that is truly at the core of Histrionic
difficulties.
Typically the development of the Histrionic Personality begins very
early in life. Two factors 1. the self-centered nature of the infant and
2. extreme interpersonal conflict in the infant's environment, combine
to create a torturous level of responsibility and a complete lack of
specialness. It may sound strange, but the natural tendency of the
baby to feel that they exist at the center of everything gives life to the
core of the problem. New born babies have a completely chaotic
experience that is structured by the parenting they receive. The baby
cries and they wait for the parents to respond. From the perspective of
the adult, it would seem like such an experience would lead the child to
feel that nothing is in their control. To the ever-learning baby,
however, the experience is more like everything is about them. They
poop or pee and the foul mess is whisked away with a pleasant wipe
wipe, googly bubbly noises, and a reassuring smile. They feel hungry,
whimper or cry, and they're offered sweet milk from a breast or a
bottle while they bask in glorious repose with a warm pleasant body.
Out of disorganized chaos of unmet needs and instincts emerges a sort
of magical sense of power over the world. Unfortunately, in the world
of the child who will develop Histrionic Personality, the magic does not
last as long as necessary.
Although the history of the Histrionic person typically involves a loving
mother, and sometimes a loving father, as the child develops, there also
tends to be dramatic conflict between their caretakers. Frequent, and
vociferous arguing, with lack of resolve, dominates the experience of
the child. Even worse, the actual conflict is often about the child
because each parent feels the other should be doing more, or because
the child's behavior is out of control (like that of the parents) and each
adult argues about how to handle that behavior. Because the child
feels that they are at the center of the universe and that everything
happens because of them, the child starts to feel that the conflict is
their fault. In fact, the child often feels as though each of the parents
can only be comforted by the child. When it is the opposite sex parent
that needs most of the comforting, it is quite typical for the child's
behavior to become sexually charged.
The sense of responsibility for the conflict and heightened chaos, along
with the feeling of being the go-to person of one of the parents during
conflicts, leads to tremendous guilt. In fact, the possibility that the
tearing apart of ones parents could possibly be the child's fault, in turn
leads to extreme discomfort with any kind of responsibility. This is the
hallmark of the Histrionic. Histrionics eschew even the most mundane
kinds of responsibility as though any kind of responsibility reminds
them of the trauma they experienced when their caretakers could not
stand each other. In severe Histrionics, there can be almost wholesale
avoidance of responsibility, while in less severe cases only
social/relational responsibilities pique the pathological vulnerability.
Drama becomes a part of the picture for complex reasons. Initially, the
child simply finds that the behavior they see in their parents can be
used by the child to stop the parents' fighting and to get attention for
themselves. On one hand, parents tend to stop fighting when kids act
really badly so that they can attend to the child's behavior. On the
other hand, and as indicated above, often the child's behavior leads to
more fighting. Thus, while bad behavior may secure attention for the
child in the short run, in the long run that attention is lost when the
parents return to conflict over how to handle the child's behavior. One
way or the other, the child quickly learns that only the most
exaggerated behaviors get any attention at all. In the child who
comforts one of the parents, very specific kinds of exaggerated
responding can start to be shaped, including ways of making that parent
feel special such as sexual seductiveness. It is unfortunately all too
common for those cases in which a child takes to comforting the
opposite sex parent that the hurt parent turns to the child for the kind
of closeness that is meant to remain between adults.
The effect of the dramatic behaviors engendered in the child is very
difficult to repair. The child becomes dramatic to get attention instead
of just acting like a regular child. Thus the specialness of the child, that
unique spirit that can come only from an individual who is comfortable
enough to be true to their nature, is banished. The child learns to be
dramatic to get special attention. But the drama is exaggeration. It is
not the real child. Thus, the child, and the Histrionic adult the child
becomes, can never feel truly recognized as special. In fact, if
anything, their histrionic behaviors worsen over time as they continue
to attempt to get a feeling of being special with behaviors that are not
true to their own spirit and thus can never lead to a true feeling of
specialness.
The inability to take responsibility also precludes the possibility that the
Histrionic will get any feeling of specialness. In general, as people
become adults, it is their hard work that distinguishes them from
others. In order to achieve, it is necessary to take responsibility. This
is true in work or education, of course, but it is also true in
relationships. Our teachers, our supervisors, and our loved ones all
need to be able to count on us and trust us in order work with or stay
with us. In school, assignments must be done. At work we are not
promoted unless the boss thinks she can trust us. When we disappoint
a potential mate repeatedly we're not likely to get more intimate with
them. Thus, the Histrionic, unable to take responsibility, consistently
disappoints or irritates others with whom they relate. Thus, they
cannot get a feeling of special recognition through achievements, nor
can they develop any special feeling within their relationships.
Yet the relationships of the Histrionic are constantly affected by their
desperate desire to be treated as special. Typically, the intimate
involvements of a Histrionic begin in extreme excitement. People in
need of drama find the Histrionic irresistible. Very few people,
however, can tolerate an ongoing relationship with them. When their
behavior is not treated as special, the Histrionic becomes extremely
upset. But they do not allow special intimacy. Thus they are expecting
their drama to gain them this special recognition, but when their partner
no longer thinks of the drama as special, since really only ones true
vulnerabilities really make a person special, it becomes very difficult to
continue treating the drama as special. To make matters worse, when
the Histrionic is confronted, they will not, of course, take
responsibility. The suggestion that they are responsible results in
extreme anger, denial, and blame. The Histrionic tries to do anything
they can to put the responsibility back on their accuser (or someone
else if possible). Meanwhile, they continue to try to get special
attention in the same way they always have. If they can't get that
attention from their partner, they will look elsewhere. They will also
not take any responsibility for that behavior, even though it is
tremendously hurtful and clearly violates the bond they expect to have
with their partner.
With all that said, it may seem that there is practically no way to solve
the dilemma of the Histrionic personality. They are locked in to
looking for attention in a way that will never truly make them feel
special because their drama is not connected to their authentic nature.
They will never even feel recognized or important because a lack of
responsibility taking precludes true accomplishments. While it may be
difficult to see at first, it is the taking of responsibility, however, that
can actually lead to a cure. Unfortunately, because the Histrionic is so
averse to responsibility, finding a way to get the Histrionic to be
responsible is very difficult.
There is really only one way to directly effect change in the Histrionic.
When the Histrionic's behavior has been hurtful, the hurt must be
stated in such a way that the Histrionic is unable to deny the effect of
their actions. Of course, the Histrionic will do everything possible to
avoid such responsibility. They will intensify their own reaction to
make the other back off. They will blame the other so it won't be their
own fault. They will ridicule their partner to shame them and weaken
them. All of these maneuvers will be tried, and tried in the most
intense fashion, for one main reason. The Histrionic cannot stand the
idea that they have caused pain in someone else. That one factor has
led to the creation of their whole personality. It is their own pain they
are avoiding, and actually holding the idea that they are creating pain,
makes them go haywire. They do not want any pain that has been
caused to be their fault because it brings them back to the original and
damning vulnerability that they are the cause of the pain that made
conflict between their parents. So, if someone who they feel is dear to
them will not remit in stating that they feel hurt because of something
the Histrionic has done, the Histrionic will break their own facade.
They will take responsibility and apologize. When this is done, they
get one minute step closer to becoming a person who can take
responsibility.
While this process is clearly quite slow, it does nevertheless, lead the
Histrionic to becoming more responsible and thus to becoming a fully
integrated person. The feeling that they are unacceptable as a person
because they are at fault for causing huge pain, slowly erodes as they
see the other forgive them for what they thought was so unacceptable.
Their own pain, caused by loss of security in their family when their
loved ones were at war, heretofore hidden because it too was tied up
with feelings of being unacceptable, gets freed up as they see for
themselves that they did what they had to do to protect themselves as
youngsters. They see that what they did, how they felt, and how they
continue to behave, are all connected and that the true, vulnerable self
beneath the surface that they had always hidden, needs attention,
understanding and love. In a word, they finally see that they are truly
special. They see that what makes them special is the unique softness
within and how it expresses need and desire as well as strength and
integrity. Once they see their own specialness, their ability to be
responsible leads to ever greater connectedness with their intimates
whom they now prize and nurture. Because they see themselves as
special and deserving, they also now expect others to prize and nurture
them, but for their real self and not for their drama. What was once
dramatic flair, only indirectly related to true self expression, becomes
authentic spontaneity. Others can see the authentic spontaneity in its
full flower and are drawn to it where they had once been merely
entertained by, but not connected to, the Histrionic's flamboyance.
This process of taking responsibility is very rare and only a small
minority of individuals suffering from Histrionic personality will ever
recover. Recovery takes a commitment that can only come from a
feeling that things really never seem to work out and that there has to
be some reason. The Histrionic must come to some initial realization
that they are responsible before they can begin the journey of
becoming more and more responsible. If the Histrionic can endure the
pain of accepting responsibility, however, they can learn to accept
themselves. When they do, when they finally see that they are
deserving of the special love they have always craved, when they can
see their own ability to care for the specialness in others, and to operate
in their families and in their world in a way that demonstrates their
integrity as a caring and connected individual, all that the world has to
offer is made available, and the Histrionic they once were becomes a
full and healthy, spontaneous and authentic partner with the whole
universe.