It Must Be Hard to Be a Girl
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
It must be really hard to be a girl! We really ask a lot from them? First
of all we tell them to be sweet and kind and gentle. And actually, that's
pretty natural for the typical girl. But then we tell them to be strong, direct,
independent and competitive. Well, that might be indispensable in this cold,
hard, world, and a lot of girls don't have any problem demonstrating those
qualities, but somehow those qualities don't fit that great with being kind and
gentle.
Clearly, the place of the female in our society is extremely complicated.
Some of this complexity is merely a result of genetics in that females have
always had to multi-task as the keepers of the children and the home, dating
back to prehistoric times. On the other hand, some of this complexity is
clearly foisted upon girls as we expect them to manage things in the
simplistic, linear, fashion that men have developed because it has always
suited men best.
Males have historically had to work toward very specific and discrete
goals like building, hunting, and protecting - activities which lend themselves
to linear thinking and less finesse than what is required from females.
Unfortunately for girls, however, with so-called equality between the genders
taking prominence, it has been far more often the circumstance that girls
have had to learn to do things like guys, rather than the other way around.
It's sort of funny, really, that it's far more frequent that boys are the
ones complaining. Many men think it's horrible that they should have to
care for children, cook dinner, or clean up. Heaven forbid if some men have
to change a diaper. Many men think all of that is “women's work.” And, in
a way, all that had been women's work before the late 20th century. It's
also true, really, that many men aren't naturals when it comes to doing much
of that.
When you think about it, so called “women's work” almost always
requires multi-tasking. Most men today, in fact, won't even mind if told to
do any one discrete task related to “women's work.” A man can change a
diaper, cook a dish, or wash the dishes. It's the general tasks, those that
require doing many things at once, like caring for the children, cooking a
meal, or cleaning up, that truly challenge the typical man's inability to multi-
task. It's not that men can't do these things, but the fact that it's not quite
natural to men makes these more general tasks cumbersome.
In fact, men will often do the general tasks, those that require multi-
tasking, much differently than their female counterparts. Men will often be
less intimately involved, and will often perform these tasks in, what seems to
be, a much less considerate way than women will. Men will clean up later or
more slowly, will make a very simple meal, or will let the children do what
they want with relatively little supervision. Men often rationalize that these
less involved forms of completing certain tasks are more efficient.
For women, however, it is often “the thought that counts,” and women
know that people feel cared for more when chores are accomplished with
consideration as the primary objective rather than easiness. So, men
complain about multi-tasking chores, or don't do them, or they change those
chores to be more like typical male tasks (fit them into a routine so they
become one chore).
Girls and women, unfortunately, can't manage the expectations of
society quite so easily. They might change some tasks to more feminine
versions of the same, but since they will most likely be judged based on how
quickly the task was completed, or whether their directives were readily
understood, they had better be aware that they are competing in a “man's
world.” In fact, everywhere you look females are given competing
expectations that require amazing balance.
Girls are, of course, expected to produce every bit as much as their
male counterparts, but they are also expected to be nice and caring, and
sometimes to look pretty, while they produce that same amount (I can hear
some guys grousing that their appearance and grooming matter just as much
as does that of the women on their job, but I know few men who spend
more than an hour getting ready for work while I know few women who
spend less than an hour doing the same).
The fact of the matter is, women generally keep their feminine instincts
on the job and in society, while also competing with men in the areas where
men feel more natural. Production of things, getting tasks done, working on
one thing and then moving to the next, is all very natural to men. Women
are also extremely efficient at getting things done, but they experience a need
to approach those tasks with care for the well-being or comfort of others.
That is where men and women differ greatly within the work place. Clearly,
however, getting things done while simultaneously caring for others creates a
far more complicated process than managing either goal alone. Nevertheless,
because output, regardless of anyone's comfort, is so often the sole measure
of a job well-done, women have to compete with men, and sometimes must
be cold and uncaring, to be given respect.
The work world has been so dominated by male thinking, in fact, most
of the time there is an assumption by both men and women that the best
way to get things done is by being cold and indifferent to the needs of
people. In fact, when a man behaves in an indifferent fashion while getting
things done he's considered very direct. On the other hand, the same actions
from a woman, even if they lead to the same outcome, make her a b----,
right? Truly, the balance expected from women in these kinds of jobs is
amazing, and when someone sees a woman managing that balance it is also
truly impressive. The woman who successfully masters the incredible feat
of balancing care with authority is often a marvel in production and
efficiency, as her workers respect her, get things done, and yet feel that their
needs have been considered. The fact is, most workers will respond best to
a caring management style as long as they also remain aware that there will
definitely be consequences for inadequate work.
It is also quite obvious that in an increasing number of jobs today, being
cold and indifferent is not generally the best course of action in supervision
because the treatment of the customer is so directly related to how workers
are treated by their boss. As our culture becomes increasingly service
oriented, it is actually the care and comfort of others that is the most
important aspect of production. In a restaurant many people will have no
problem waiting for their food if they are treated in a polite and kind
manner. The appearance of their surroundings, and often even the
presentation of the food served, will be every bit as important as the taste of
the food. When picking up one's dry cleaning or if dealing with a realtor, it
is often the attitude and attention to peoples' feelings that will bring the
customer back, not the cleanliness of the clothes or the kind of properties
available. Where workers need to handle customers, how they feel on the
job is intimately involved with how the customer will feel. So, to an ever-
increasing degree, the natural skills of women in being considerate to others
is becoming the most important aspect of success.
Nevertheless, even though some typically feminine characteristics are
beginning to garner appreciation in the work world, the mixed messages we
give women from the time they are little girls continue to be severely
confusing. One might think it's difficult for boys to be told they will have to
support a family when they get older. It causes so much pressure. But
when you think about the fact that everything we get done, and get done
well, seems to happen because we know it will have to get done, then really,
compared to girls, boys are given a far clearer path to follow. Boys are told
“you will have to work hard to support a family some day, so you'd better
be good in school, find a career, work hard, take care of business.” Girls, on
the other hand, want to be mommies, are encouraged to fantasize about
knights in shining armor, and often picture themselves raising children while
their husband will make a living and support the family. At the same time,
however, girls are also expected to be at least as motivated as boys to
perform in school and to find a career path of their own.
Amazingly enough, girls do take school seriously and, at least in the
early years, typically outperform boys. Again, a feminine characteristic helps
to explain this phenomenon. It is the girls' desire to take care of feelings that
makes them better students because they desire to please their parents or
show others that they are “good.” The boys' need for a linear understanding
of the meaning of tasks, and their more self-centered nature, often makes
them falter academically until they find a path to success that feels a good
and sensible fit. Boys often do not start to perform academically until they
truly see how their studies are connected to the achievements they,
themselves, desire. Somehow, girls manage to perform even though, really,
at least from a male perspective, there really should not be much
motivation.
When women do recognize the dilemma in achieving for pleasing others
instead of themselves, a realization which often does not occur until they
have already reached the career they were so sure would be right for them,
their motivation really does often disintegrate. At this point, men cannot
understand why women need their work to be fulfilling since boys have been
taught to simply plug along as though fulfillment is unimportant. The
difference is, however, obvious. The girl has been told she would please
others by being a good student and by having a great career. She then finds
a career that is either fulfilling, or that has impressed others, or both. But
now, somehow, she has to manage balancing that career against what is
likely a biological imperative. The issue of family, husband, and children,
perhaps now reconnecting to those domestic fantasies of childhood, comes
back into play just as the career path seems to be preeminent – that is, just
as a woman has reached the career she has so diligently trained to pursue,
now she's feeling the biological clock ticking.
If a woman does decide she'd better heed that biological clock and have
children, the work world is none too pleased. Even before she has children,
just the possibility that she might have children will often result in a woman
being treated like she's less valuable than a man. And how she'll feel once
she decides to forego the career she's been diligently working toward is often
not so pleasant. When a woman decides to stay stay home with her
children, a decision she will be told is a completely valid and important, she
will quickly find that it feels almost completely unappreciated. Since children
are born and not built, in fact, there can be little glory or recognition for a
mom outside of the baby's cuteness. Because the woman loves her baby,
that recognition feels good, but it does not replace a need for recognition of
one's achievements. Even worse, the woman now finds herself accountable
for endless arduous tasks, and if her child does not behave as others' deem
appropriate, she's now open to scorn and ridicule. The little girl's desire to
please, as it lives on in the grown woman, is thus completely thwarted as
whatever career achievements she attained seem a thing of the past, and her
current achievements in child-rearing are only recognized to the extent that
the children are pleasing to others.
Men, on the other hand, have been told all along that the primary
meaning of their career would be how well they'd be able to care for their
family. Thus, the boy is perfectly comfortable with the idea that their goal
will be to bring in money. The man may be better off enjoying his career,
but it is not absolutely necessary because the goal of bringing in money is
paramount. Of course, women want to be big earners, too, but earning
power is generally not their biggest concern. While the man can see his
earning power as an end in itself, most women look for the lifestyle the
money can buy as being far more important than the money. Essentially, the
lifestyle bought with earning power takes the place of pleasing others.
Others can be impressed with lifestyle, including how one adorns oneself
with clothing, jewelry, homes, and cars, but also, for many women lifestyle
fits well with caring for others. Providing a nice lifestyle is a caring activity.
In that way, the women who decide that child-rearing is an important
endeavor in itself, can feel good about how well they do take care of their
children, which shows through the lifestyle they develop for the whole
family. Unfortunately, however, in many circumstances, even the most
lavishly feathered nest leads to a complete lack of fulfillment for a woman.
If a woman attempts to define her own importance by her husband's status,
rather than what she accomplishes at home, a complete disconnect ensues
for the woman. If she is spending her time being a good mother, she is
really accomplishing something wonderful and important. But if she
attempts to act important because of who her husband is, there is absolutely
no real satisfaction since there is truly and absolutely no accomplishment in
being the spouse of someone else.
The woman who chooses her career over having children can also
experience problems in feeling fulfilled. If she was like most (but not all)
girls, someone who had badly wanted children, she cheats herself out of one
of the most meaningful and legitimizing experiences a woman could have.
Procreation is the primary biological imperative of all animals (clearly many
couples do not desire children, but almost everyone has a desire to couple,
which has no more obvious nascent purpose than procreation). Of course
there are many ways for life to be fulfilling without having children, but if
having children had ever been part of a woman's dream, choosing to forego
child-rearing in pursuit of a career will often lead to a lack of fulfillment as
the lifestyle earned from the career eventually pails in comparison to the
meaning of life experienced within the connection between child and parent.
If there is any truly fulfilling and meaningful experience in life, it is almost
always related to connection with others in some way, and there is no more
connected and bonded experience than the attachment between mother and
child.
So, this article ends essentially where it began. It must be hard to be a
girl. Girls and women are tasked with the impossible in our society from the
very beginning. Their natural ability to handle many things at once is
probably their saving grace. But satisfaction comes hard where expectations
are so overwhelming. Women are expected to please others, pursue
competitive aspirations, and then give up their own independent strivings and
the plaudits that come with independent achievements, to pursue the fantasy
of the perfect and loving family. Or, they can continue in their strivings and
have a family, too, but that requires the most complicated and singular
balance (which is, nevertheless, relatively common). In their work, women
will be expected to get things done like men, but they better not be too direct
in their directives or they'll be considered to be a “b----.” On the other hand,
perhaps their sensitivity will be valuable and acknowledged as such, but only
if they're also able to garner the necessary respect required to make others
work. If you can only imagine the balance it would take to work with care
and sensitivity while also commanding appropriate respect, then just imagine
the balance it takes in returning home from that job to make the dinner,
clean the house, be sensitive to one's children and husband and, essentially,
to hold the whole family together. The expectations we now hold on girls
and women are truly incredible. Any woman who can handle all these
expectations with any kind of grace, is truly an incredible woman. So, men,
please make sure you have the proper respect. Please, please, help your
wife, or your mother. Most likely, whether she's chosen to be a good wife
and mother, or to be great in her career without dedicating herself to a family
of her own, and especially if she's trying to do it all, your wife or mother is
probably managing an unbelievable number of tasks at one time. In fact,
when you give it serious consideration, you should really think of your wife
or mother as an amazing talent. Your respect should be mandatory.
Women certainly have my respect. All I know is this, it's obviously really
hard to be a girl.