FREEDOM AND
RESPONSIBILITY
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Responsibility is essential to doing good work, having good
relationships, and creating a successful life. That’s certainly not news!
But if everyone knows that fact, why is it so hard to encourage it in our
children, and why is it so hard to understand what that means in our
relationships? There is a simple formula that makes the workings of
responsibility comprehensible for everyone. This formula facilitates
movement toward taking more responsibility in all facets of our lives.
It points to ways we can cultivate responsibility in our children, and it
clarifies what it means to be responsible within our families. This is the
formula: Freedom = Responsibility.
Freedom and responsibility are forever in balance. This simple
fact can be seen everywhere. Babies have no freedom (of course, we’
re talking about freedom of will, not freedom of impunity) and they
have no responsibility. As children get older, the more responsibility
they take on (chores, caring for a pet, doing a good job on homework),
the more you, as a parent, should trust them. The more you trust
them, the more you will let them do what they want. As adults, we
have all the freedom in the world bounded only by cultural norms and
laws (beliefs, of course, are our own, and thus we are free to believe in
them). But in the balance between freedom and responsibility, it is
important to notice that freedom comes at the price of responsibility.
Unless we do take responsibility in a large variety of way, we will have
little freedom.
Our children often believe that they should be allowed to do
whatever they want in spite of the fact that they have very little
responsibility. Their home, their food, their clothes, their insurance,
their telephone, their use of a car, their physical well-being as a whole,
is not their responsibility. That is why their freedom is rightly held in
their parents’ hands. Now look at the freedom that parents have.
Sure, we parents can do whatever we want, but if we don’t go to
work, we can’t pay the bills. If we don’t communicate with our
children, we worry that they will feel unloved. If we don’t discipline
our children, we worry they will not be ready for the world in which
they will have to take responsibility. We can do whatever we want
because we have chosen to take responsibility.
Helping our children develop responsibility is a never-ending,
back and forth process between letting go of, and then gathering in, the
proverbial reins. In order for children to learn to take responsibility,
parents have to lengthen the tether they have on their children till they
find out how much responsibility their children can handle. When
children demonstrate that they have too much freedom by doing things
that are clearly irresponsible, it is our job to gather in the tether for the
purpose of taking adequate care of our children. The irresponsible acts
of children often cost money that our kids do not have, but they can
also include breaking our rules (whatever those rules might be, since
we have the freedom to make those rules), or acting disrespectfully. It
is actually neglectful to give our children freedom when they are clearly
not ready for it. For one thing it can be dangerous, but also, we are
responsible for what our children do if we unleash them upon the world
without at least trying to temper their feral impulses.
There is also a balance between freedom and responsibility within
relationships. Although the concept of freedom and responsibility is
more abstract in its application to relationships than it is in its
application to child care, it is really the same thing. In relationships
(even with and among children) trust is given when ones experience is
consistent with being treated kindly, lovingly, respectfully, and safely.
When a person takes responsibility for their impact on others,
emotional and otherwise, those others will trust them and thus allow
more emotional freedom. They will give them the benefit of the doubt
when things don’t go as planned, and they’ll allow emotional closeness
or intimacy. When a person is mean, uncaring, or untrustworthy,
others will not allow that emotional closeness. They will be forever on
the defensive, and in that guarded position, they too will be more likely
to be aggressive or withdrawn in their responses.
Part of this interpersonal exchange is taking the responsibility to
let people know when they have hurt you so that they can have the
opportunity to take responsibility for doing so. If someone really cares
about you, they will typically try their best not to hurt you. But they
have to know what they've done that is hurtful, which means that you
have to take a chance of being hurt and communicate to them that you
have been hurt. You have to have faith in their love by letting yourself
be vulnerable. If you let someone who cares about you know that they
have hurt you, they will try to change their ways. If you do make
yourself vulnerable in this way, and you find that you are being hurt
repeatedly in spite of it, then they are likely incapable of taking
responsibility. If they cannot take that kind of responsibility, then they
are incapable of the kind of love you need.
When a person takes responsibility for their actions, the things
they do that hurt other people, and the things they do to take care of
their life circumstances, then they are allowed every freedom. The
same principle, that freedom = responsibility, applies to children and
adults and also applies to family situations, workplace issues, and even
our intimate relations. It is essential that everyone embrace this simple
principle. The equation freedom = responsibility makes it so easy to
understand. It is true that we are all completely free. We have a
choice in everything we do. There can be no denying that we are free,
but the more we choose to take responsibility, the freer we tend to be.