The Failure of Empathy
in Everyday Life
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
The world is our emotional mirror. On a daily basis we interact with others
and their collective reaction is reflected back to us. This collective reaction
tells us, in a very general sense, how we're being perceived. Of course the
reaction of others is often not the most accurate mirror. It's often influenced
by our very personal perception of it as well as by the general views others
take about the world itself and about us. But nonetheless, the reactions of
others are the most influential mirror we see. For those of you who would
say that you really don't care what others think, I would say you are either
benefiting from having a pretty attractive reflection, or you have given up
caring. If you've given up caring, then the ugly view you've seen in the
emotional mirror has already had a drastic impact on you. On the other
hand, if you know you care, but your reflection in this mirror is not capable
of reducing you into a heap of goo, congratulations. You have developed a
healthy level of confidence. No matter how you see it, however, the
reflection we perceive in the mirror of our interactions is really quite
important. Many people only feel good to the extent that the world smiles
upon them. Unfortunately, the world often doesn't smile. The reasons for
that are very complicated. But at its most elementary level, the problem is a
failure of empathy in everyday life.
When we empathize accurately, others really appreciate the effort. Empathy
with others involves perceiving the world as though you are the others with
whom you want to empathize. Oh, if only everyone could continually put
themselves in the shoes of others. But they can’t, and they won’t. People,
without even realizing it, generally develop a perspective about life, and
about any situation, that makes their own feelings okay. It may be
unfortunate, but for most of us it's far more important to maintain our own
self-esteem or our own sense of invulnerability than it is to understand
others. When our own self worth or need for invulnerability even mildly
conflict with understanding others, a failure of empathy will undoubtedly
ensue.
Thus, if someone is downtrodden, they are thought of as, at best, unlucky,
and at worst, failures or undeserving. It's not difficult to understand why we
might feel that way. Who wants to think it's possible that terrible things can
happen to us as easily as we see them happen to others? Of course we want
to be invulnerable. It's also true that putting effort into prevention, being
careful, having forethought, and working hard, all help to keep trouble at
bay. Nevertheless, we tend to immoderately underestimate the frequency
with which bad things can happen to good people.
How many times do you see a family devastated by an accident or an illness,
or some other mishap that clearly was not in the province of preventable?
The fact is, many of us see such things and then immediately grasp for the
reasons it could never happen to us. We want to believe that bad things
won't happen to us because we're so careful or because it's clear we're
“good.” Sometimes we even attempt to comfort ourselves by judging those
to whom fate has not been kind. It is not unusual to wonder what others
have done to deserve their bad luck. It's as if the most natural knee jerk
reaction to the bad luck of others is to say to oneself, “not me!” The “not
me” thought is then quickly followed by the best possible explanation to
oneself as to why the disaster did occur to “them.”
No where is this more true than in cases where people are truly down on
their luck. The worst scenario is when those who “have,” harshly judge
those who don't. While on the surface there appears to be many differences
between these two groups, by far the most essential difference is
opportunity. Most people who have worked out a pretty good life for
themselves also come from relatively decent backgrounds. That is not to say
the “haves” have not experienced any trauma. But most of the time, they
have seen economic success and have felt like attaining it was a possibility
for them. In contrast, when people are born into poverty, opportunity seems
completely off limits. Often being born into poverty means you'll have an
inferior education, your neighborhood will be filled with blight, your friends
and neighbors will likely discourage hard work due to their own inability to
see opportunity, and your parents will likely be somewhat depressed and
thus invest little faith in the possibilities in your future. Even so, if you are
not making it, or if you seem upset, the “haves” will see only a lack of work
ethic or a bad attitude.
How often do you think to yourself, or hear someone say, “I know I
wouldn't make it if I were in that situation?” That kind of thinking is rarely
thought, and much less frequently spoken. It is far easier to point out
“laziness,” “immorality,” and “attitude,” than it is to see that the
development of such traits is virtually unavoidable in some circumstances.
While it's very clear that one's circumstances cannot be accepted as an
excuse for lack of success (or worse), judging the personality characteristics
of those who have been brought up in poverty, without considering the
magnitude of poverty's influence, is a clear failure of empathy designed
specifically to help the “haves” avoid complicity. After all, the solutions
necessary for combating poverty are very expensive and would likely make
the “haves” a lot less comfortable.
Quite dissimilar from the need to avoid feeling too vulnerable as in the
examples above, is the failure of empathy that occurs when there is a
possible conflict between empathy and our self-esteem. The best example of
this is when we negatively judge the intentions of others prior to really
knowing their motivations. When accurately understanding the actions of
others threatens our our own sense of self, we will tend to be very inaccurate
in our understanding of a situation. When this happens, whether we are
being simply untrusting, or maybe even paranoid, we fail to empathize
primarily because we know our own desires and propensities, and we project
them onto the ones we judge.
It is quite common, for example, that a jealous wife feels strong attractions
to other men and for a jealous husband to feel strong attractions to other
women. In those cases, what one fears most from themselves becomes
what they fear in their loved ones. Likewise, when we fear that someone we
think is close to us doesn't adequately care for us, it's quite often the case
that it is us that is caring less for them. Similarly, accusations of dishonesty
often occur merely due to evidence of opportunity because many people
feel, given the same opportunity, they would be dishonest. Believing there
has been some kind of malfeasance simply because we can see someone's
success is also common because we can't stand to look at our own
comparative failure. In all these cases, we fear how we would feel if the
projected motivation was attributed to us.
But we don't all think the same, do we? Often people really are more moral
than we are. Sometimes they're more motivated than we are, or work
harder than we do. Other people have been through different experiences,
they have developed different skills, they were born with natural abilities we
will never possess, and yes, often they have been given far less opportunity.
The failure in empathy occurs because we can't stand the idea that bad
things could happen to us. It happens because the inequities of the world are
so far beyond our ability to fix them, and because of the extreme guilt we
would have to feel if we were to recognize that the “have nots” differ only in
their relative lack of opportunity. The failure of empathy also occurs
because we refuse to believe that others might have better intentions than we
would ever have, or because we fear our own propensities. We don't want
to admit to our own feelings, so we see the reflection of our own motivations
in the behavior of others, and then frown upon those others with judgment
since we fail to empathize with who they really might be.
When we realize that the failure of empathy occurs only to save us from our
own shame, that all human beings are indeed created equal, yet we rarely see
it that way, and that others are often better than we are in many different
ways, hopefully it makes possible a renewed effort at maintaining proper
empathy. The problems of the world are truly daunting. Heck, it's
overwhelming just to handle the problems in our own relationships. But if
we all made every effort to maintain empathy in this cold hard world,
regardless of our own desire to deny our own tendencies or to admit to our
obvious good fortune, perhaps that empathy in itself could be a part of a
whole world solution.
If our interactions with the world are like an emotional mirror in which we
hope to see an attractive image of ourselves, then maintaining empathy with
others as much as possible would clearly lead to better looking reflections.
Better looking reflections would then lead to better self-esteem, more
confidence, greater success in interaction with the world, easier and more
spontaneous smiling, and a better reflection in the great big emotional mirror
for everyone. If only everyone would make a stronger effort at empathy,
we would have better partners, parents, families, neighborhoods, cities and
so on.
Like light amplified by mirrors surrounding a single flame, an effort at world
empathy could set this world ablaze with enthusiasm for us all. Our petty
fears, like a black hole swallowing the brightness and battling against
empathy, must give way to an emanation of radiance from our hearts. Look
into the mirror! Wish for the empathy you need to see there! Let the
smiling glow begin with you. Let the mirror shine luminous for you and
everyone! The failure of empathy need not drag us down, disconsolate.
Look all around you! You are the mirror! Be diligent in your empathy. It's
your responsibility! Challenge yourself to stay in tune and empathic with
your community and.... Let there be light!