THE ESSENTIALS OF PARENTING
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
As every parent knows, there is no occupation as difficult as
parenting. We want the most for our children, but we have many other
concerns and stresses that we attempt to balance simultaneously. Few
parents are completely satisfied with their parenting. The issues
involved are so complicated. In fact, sometimes it seems parenting is
so complicated that we have difficulty remembering the most essential
elements involved. In that regard, it can be helpful to have the
essentials of parenting presented within just a few basic guidelines
which will assure that you are the absolute best parent you can be.
The essentials of parenting are these: parents must make a
constant effort to look upon their children with kindness and affection,
balanced by consistency and firmness. If parents make such an effort,
even if they often falter, their children will feel loved and appreciated,
and will also understand the importance of rules. Equally important, a
consistent effort at good parenting will ensure that children will
maintain a connection with the specific desires, and the all-important
vision for their future, of those who love them most.
Since this sounds way too easy, perhaps I should elaborate on the
meaning of these factors. Each of these concepts is complicated by
individualistic attitudes and the stresses of every day life in our fast-
paced world. It is not possible to be kind all of the time, and we do not
always feel like hugging, even if our children deserve it. Consistency is
difficult for many reasons, but mostly because we feel differently about
things at different times. Consistency is also difficult when two parents
disagree about their approach to parenting. The problem with being
firm is typically a lack of adequate energy, but firmness can also be
difficult when we are feeling especially loving despite some of the bad
behavior we see in our children. When we are not firm we are also,
typically, inconsistent. Perhaps it will be helpful to elaborate on what I
mean by kindness, affection, consistency, and firmness.
Kindness
In essence, kindness involves putting yourself in the shoes of
your child, thinking about your child's motivations or intentions, and
realizing that what they're going through, or the way they're acting, is
related to their age, and the vulnerability of their situation. When we
disapprove of a child's behavior, we are likely to over-react if we see
their actions exclusively from the adult perspective. It is common to
think children should know better without considering what they are
experiencing. When we're tired or stressed it can intensify a less than
empathic reaction. Likewise, when children are acting in ways that we
like, we have to remember that their actions require effort on their part,
and if we do not demonstrate our appreciation, our children might feel
little desire to make similar effort in the future.
Affection
One way that we can show our appreciation is through affection.
It feels good to be hugged and snuggled as long as it's invited. The
desire of most children for affection is so great that they'll often rub up
against their parents, or flop into their laps, like hungry kittens.
Sometimes children will behave in positive ways just because they
want affection. But it is also often the case that a child is in a moment
where they want and need independence. It is important for parents to
understand the independent spirit of their children and to refrain from
being too affectionate when their child desires, or should be developing,
independence. As much as a parent must recognize that their child
needs affection, they must also realize that holding off on being
affectionate might be almost as crucial since a child can perceive
overwhelming affection as thwarting independence.
Consistency
Consistency is made difficult by our own changing moods and by
our differences with our partners. Children are better able to negotiate
the family and watch their behavior when parents' expectations are
clear, and the consequences are set for what will occur when
expectations are not met. If we are able to remain consistent in spite of
stress or unpredictable circumstances, we build stability into the family
environment. Nothing can be more important than the ability of
parents to support one another in their views and their interventions if
consistency is to be maintained. The confidence children develop as a
result of parental consistency carries over into other parts of life, and
into your child's future.
Firmness
Firmness, of course, goes hand in hand with consistency. When
a parent is serious and behaves in accordance with their feelings,
children feel it in their bones. This is not a recommendation for angry
or mean behavior. Rather, tone of voice, body language and facial
expression easily reveal seriousness. Children who are used to a
consistent, yet loving and affectionate, home, know when they should
not cross the line. Testing of parental limits occurs with almost all
children, but if children know with certainty that parents will stand firm
when they've had enough, children learn their limits while
simultaneously learning the limits they should set in their interactions
with others.
Make the Effort
There is one point that is essential to repeat. As a parent it is
necessary to make the effort to keep these attributes in mind and in
balance. But it is not always going to be easy, and sometimes it may
not seem possible. Parents need to give themselves a break when they
are impatient or snap in frustration. As long as there is an effort to be
kind, affectionate, consistent, and firm, children will get the message
that they are loved, valued, and cared for in a consistent and knowable
world. If they internalize that message, they will carry it with them
throughout their lives, and they will pass it on to the next generation.