EMOTIONAL SPACE
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Did you know that emotions take up space as well as time and
energy? Have you ever noticed that emotions can crowd a room, or
that when one person is very emotional others tend to tone their
emotions down (except in mass hysteria where a competition for
emotional prominence ensues). When one person is having great
difficulty, others tend to come to their aid. Others get out of the way
when another person is being especially aggressive or obnoxious.
When the parents in a family tend to fight, the first reaction of young
children is to be as good as possible with hope that their parents will
fight less. When someone is expressing intense emotion, that
expression is generally dealt with immediately. Intense emotion tends
to take precedence over everything else that is currently happening.
The concept of “emotional space” is little known, but it helps
explain why even some healthy people can find themselves in difficult
situations with emotionally unhealthy people. It is important to realize,
of course, that there are appropriate times for emotions to be
expressed. If a mentally healthy person really gets upset, they typically
should express the feeling to someone at some time. Also, the less
controlled expression of emotions is expected from children. The
younger a child is, the more desperately they perceive their emotions,
and thus the more desperately, immediately, and dramatically they will
express those emotions. A serious problem often develops, however,
when people take up too much “emotional space” even though it is not
developmentally appropriate.
This problem is most difficult to understand when the person who
is emoting too intensely is engaging with someone who really has no
problem handling their own emotions. Believe it or not, there is such a
thing as being too emotionally controlled. What I mean by this,
however, is not that the emotionally controlled person has reached a
perfect balance in life. Quite to the contrary, the problem here is that
such a person has not learned to balance the overwhelming amount of
love, luck, and good discipline they have experienced in their lives with
the idea that others should not be allowed to take advantage of them or
treat them badly. It is also often the case that a person develops
emotional control because they have been exposed to extremely
damaging emotional expression in their childhoods and have vowed to
themselves to control their own emotions no matter what.
Unfortunately, whether due to good fortune or bad, often the
emotionally controlled person will allow others to hurt them, or not
take them seriously, because they do have the inner strength to
maintain their self-esteem or composure in spite of maltreatment.
It is necessary to make a side point here in differentiating the
emotionally controlled person from other persons who have greater
difficulties. There are many people who allow others to treat them
poorly for reasons that are quite different than having the strength to
maintain control. A person can allow others to treat them poorly
because they are desperate for approval and love, and will cling to
others no matter how badly they are treated. But the emotionally
controlled person rarely stays in a bad relationship for too long.
Although such a person might not be direct in handling a conflict,
behavior aimed at them that is abusive is so inconsistent with how they
see themselves that they will often find a way out of relationships that
do not fit them. They will rarely stay in a relationship if someone is
not treating them in a positive way that is consistent with what they
know they deserve.
There is one caveat to that suggestion, however, and this
phenomenon is essential to understanding many family situations.
What happens when an emotionally controlled person has children? It
is a common occurrence for such a person to meet another person, a
spouse, with similar strength. That is, of course, the emotionally
controlled person feels good when with someone who is used to being
treated well, has received good and fair discipline, and thus treats
others well as would be expected given their background and
experience. When the emotionally controlled couple have children,
however, problems can arise because they provide too much
“emotional space” for their children. There can be a tendency to allow
too much attitude, anger, or neediness without requiring equal amounts
of discipline and responsibility since, as a parent, the emotionally
controlled person has the mental and emotional strength to absorb quite
a bit without it causing too much impact. No matter how their kids act,
the emotionally controlled person is quite capable of dealing with that
behavior without getting too upset. Unfortunately, when such a parent
does absorb all that emotional intensity without getting upset, the child
does not benefit from having to take responsibility for his or her effect
on the parents. He is given too much “emotional space” and thus has
too much room to act out (angry or irrational or spoiled).
The “only child” is often the worst case scenario. Only children
(especially when they have two parents within an intact marriage) have
parents who are capable of responding to their every protest, distress,
or displeasure. If those parents are relatively mentally healthy, and
generally emotionally controlled, then the emotional space they provide
is often almost endless. It is only natural to love ones children and to
do whatever one can for ones children. When we have only one child
we are able to do too much, and we often do. Exacerbating the
accessibility and willingness of such parents is the fact that the only
child does not have to share their parents, or anything else for that
matter, with a sibling or siblings. Only children often never learn to
control their emotions or needs because there has never in their lives
been a need to do so.
The essential element here is that people need to learn how to
accommodate their behavior to the needs of others and to take
responsibility for the effect of their emotions on others. When others
are too accommodating to them, they never learn. Sometimes, when a
person has never learned such accommodation, they become very
aggressive and they will even tend to get their way. The problem with
that is, of course, that if they are always getting their way they will
never truly develop any intimacy with others. Consequently, although
they might seem to be in almost complete control within the many
interpersonal involvements they develop, they will often end up lonely
and isolated because no one has ever really grown close to them.
Emotional control is a necessary and important aspect of living,
but there is such a thing as controlling yourself too much. You cannot
afford to let anyone close to you treat you less than respectfully, even
if you are strong enough to handle your emotions in the face of that
treatment. If it is someone who is supposed to be your equal, they
need to know their behavior is unacceptable and that, if it continues,
they will have to deal with the consequences. That is, you will leave.
If the offender is a child, there are consequences for them, as
well. For children, the consequence of less than respectful and
appreciative behavior, let alone aggressive behavior, should be that they
have to deal with your feelings, either hurt or anger (if you get angry
too frequently, however, then you yourself will be guilty of taking up
too much emotional space). If your children truly care about you,
which almost all children do, they will not feel comfortable when you
really show your feelings (please see article, Communication From the
Heart). If you bring up your real feelings, you are taking up the
emotional space that they will take if you do not. You will be taking up
the emotional space that is rightly yours.
In many circumstances, it is also essential that children receive
appropriate consequences for their behavior. With the caring child,
when the disrespect is minor, it is often enough to simply let them
know you're hurt. If such a statement is taken seriously, and is not
overwhelming to the child, nothing more will be required. In many
cases, however, a consequence helps the situation in two ways. First
of all, it is obvious that consequences are typically meted out for the
purpose of making the child take things seriously. That is a great
benefit in itself. Where the parent is able to express their feelings
appropriately about a particular infraction, and the child feels badly,
giving a consequence has an added benefit. A child will often actually
feel less guilty, but still be serious about what they have done, when
they are given the chance to compensate by redeeming themselves. In
that vein, the very best consequences are those that will be helpful to
the wronged party so it feels to the child as though the consequence
has partially repaired the damage.
The concept of emotional space is essential for understanding
how we all balance our emotions within families and even in other
organizations. In any normal family, while children might be of utmost
importance to parents, it is fundamental that parents occupy the
greatest amount of emotional space. Parents lead and children follow.
Thus, even when parents do everything they can to ensure the health,
well-being, and future accomplishments of their children, they also
must set the stage and structure for the family, and the children must fit
themselves to that structure. When parents take their own feelings and
needs seriously, children have to do so as well. Since the number one
concern of most parents is that their children lead healthy, successful
lives, the leadership and structure (emotional space) set by parents has
an excellent chance of leading to a healthy family structure overall.
Likewise, even in non-family situations, it is central to your own
mental health that you set the structure of your own life. You must set
the tone for others to take you seriously about your preferences,
desires, irritations, and hurts. (Please see article, Assertiveness: the
30% Solution). So, be good to yourself. Take up the emotional space
you deserve, and do not let anyone intrude without some kind of
response, even if your reaction need only be minimal. If someone is
hurting you to the point that you cannot be with them any longer, or if
you need to show that you absolutely will not tolerate their behavior,
then anger is likely the most appropriate response. In most
circumstances, however, if the person is one with whom you want to
be closer, or if that person is a child, it is important to let them know
that you are hurt or disappointed and make sure they have to deal with
some real consequences. You are the master and architect of your
own existence. You need only be confident that you deserve an equal
share of the existing emotional space in your life.