THE DATING FANTASY
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
What you see is what you get! Right? Well... not exactly. It’s
interesting to think about how people fall in love. Typically, when two
people “fall” they really don’t know much about each other. When it
comes to the first few dates, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.
I don’t just mean that we all have different tastes (although that is
certainly true). I mean that who we perceive the other person to be is
truly a fantasy that comes primarily from within our own minds.
Without really knowing anything about the other person, we allow
our desires or fears to dominate our view of the other. If a new person
seems kind and we have a need for kindness, then we feel sure that the
other person is very kind. When we have that need for kindness we
are also likely to assign a thousand other wonderful attributes. On the
other hand, if that same person seems kind, and we tend to be
distrustful, or if we fear becoming intimate too quickly, or if we find
ourselves most attracted to only very “strong” people, then we think
they are trying to manipulate, or that they are too naive, or that they
are too needy.
The truth of the matter is that we see people for who they really
are only with time. The more experience we have with someone, the
more we know that their actions truly reflect their general tendencies.
When we first meet someone, not only are we likely to see what we
want to see, but they are most likely to show us what we want to see.
It’s not that people are intentionally ingenuine, rather they simply try to
portray themselves in the most positive light. If you find someone
interesting and you want to know them better, it would be strange for
you to immediately reveal those attributes you think them most likely
to despise. Right?
Sometimes it takes a really long time for people to reveal their true
selves. Some people are especially good at managing the impression
others have of them. That might even be something that others find
attractive. Usually, for example, people who spend a lot of time on
their physical appearance, including the material items with which they
surround themselves (clothes, cars, restaurants, etc...) are pretty good
at managing the impression that others have. Sometimes, however,
they have spent so much time perfecting the image they project that as
soon as they feel comfortable enough to act naturally, they turn out to
be very different than what they had presented (sometimes angry,
sometimes controlling, sometimes vulnerable or dependent, but
generally very different).
But image can be important enough in the eye of the beholder that
the real personality underneath, although less than perfect, can be
tolerated. In the final analysis, whether or not someone is acceptable in
the long term will depend upon a balance of their attributes, both those
projected and those hidden. Do they provide security, are they good
looking, are they respectful, thoughtful, strong, angry, caring, etc...
The problem is, we don’t weigh things very evenly when we are in the
midst of the dating fantasy. Infatuation is like a drug. Because we see
exactly what we need, we cannot get enough and we keep on going
back for more. We feel compelled and compulsive. We feel like we
can’t help it.
When people fall in love, in a way they fall in love with
themselves. They have an idea in their head that what would cure their
ailments or complete their lives is directly before them. They will lie to
themselves about what they experience so that the fantasy stays alive.
But I do not write this to discourage falling in love. It is perhaps the
best feeling in the world and, in fact, it is not induced by drugs.
Everyone should enjoy falling in love, and they should make it last as
long as possible. The only danger is in making life lasting decisions too
fast. Because the dating fantasy is dangerous, because we can tend to
be too rash when we’re feeling so good, it is essential that we take our
time with relationships. Until you have dealt with some difficulties in
your mate, until you’ve had a few arguments, or have had to tell
yourself you’re okay with some of the things that you don’t like so
much about your partner, you have not waited long enough.
When you’re ready to make long term decisions, I hope you will
be sharing moments of fantasy and fun. I hope you will still be
infatuated with your partner. But if you have not yet seen some
behavior about which you’re not quite sure, or if you’re looking past
disrespect, aggressiveness, or certain behaviors that make you feel
horrible just because sometimes you feel great, then you are still too
much in the fantasy zone to make the decisions you’re making.
Meanwhile, enjoy your fantasy, enjoy the one you’re with, and
allow yourself to experience the dating fantasy with all its amazing
emotions and fantastical wonders. If you are in your dating years, and
you’re just like most everyone else, I don’t think you can help it.