CRITICISM IN US
By Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Have you ever found yourself getting really frustrated, and maybe even
angry, about something somebody did, and then you start criticizing them
about everything you're thinking they did wrong? Later you realize that you
were blowing it way out of proportion and that you were way too critical. We
do that sometimes, don't we? Well, what's that about?
Typically we try to look at ourselves a little to figure it out. We tell
ourselves, “I guess I'm just tired,” or “Maybe s/he didn't understand what I
was talking about, and I just got frustrated,” or “I've been working really hard
and s/he must not have realized that it was a really bad time.” Actually, it's
good sometimes to give ourselves that kind of break. Some people, after
evincing even the smallest irritation, might say to themselves, “I'm just too
mean to people,” or “I bet they'll really think I'm a jerk.” Either way, the
irritation within us is clear, and we realize we've become very critical. Yet
there appears to have been little provocation.
When we come to realize that we had blown things out of proportion, we
may still believe that we were tired, frustrated, or overburdened, but we feel
badly about the feelings we've caused in the other. They're feeling
downtrodden and undercut. Perhaps their confidence is a bit worse due to our
seeming lack of confidence in them. We know we were too hard on them and
we want them to know we know it. Apologizing is good. But understanding
what happened could help us prevent it from happening as much in the future.
So, I'll tell you something strange. If we've criticized way too harshly the
person we're really being most critical of, but very indirectly so, is ourselves.
Excessively harsh criticism might occur when we're tired, overburdened, or
frustrated because that's when we are most vulnerable, but the specific thing
we we became critical about is typically something we fear within ourselves.
I know that's weird, but it's true. Imagine yourself helping your child
with their homework, let's say it's math, and you start to act like it's
unbelievable that they aren't getting it. If that's what's happening, my guess is
that you have felt like you were “stupid” some time in the past (or that others
thought you were “stupid”). It doesn't have to be math that was your issue in
the past. It's that you have trouble tolerating “stupidity” in yourself, even if
you know you've never been “stupid,” and now when you think the person
you're helping might have that trait, you have to attack. It's as though you
have to prove that the trait is not yours. You distance yourself as much as you
possibly can from the trait by acting like it's the other person who is stupid,
thus limiting the possibility that anyone could ever think it was you.
Another example would be the desire to call someone “lazy.” Now, I am
not saying that there are no lazy people. “Laziness” is a trait that goes along
with depression or learned helplessness, and sometimes people have never
experienced the benefit of working hard. When your thoughts about someone
being “lazy” move into the realm of harsh criticism, however, it's my guess
that the issue is really yours. Typically, criticism about “laziness” happens in a
context where people have different values about the worth of a particular
activity. If you can see that the real issue is that the person who is not doing as
much values it less, the issue of “laziness” doesn't come up. But when the
issue is within ourselves, that is perhaps someone used to call us “lazy” or we
continue to call ourselves “lazy,” our thoughts about differing values gets short-
circuited and we come down harshly. This leaves the other person feeling
deflated and even less able to work hard. They feel misunderstood as well,
and it's likely they'll become stubborn and not work at all. Again, when we
clearly define the other as the one who is “lazy,” we have distanced ourselves.
Not only do we successfully feel like we're not “lazy,” but it's unlikely anyone
else will think we're “lazy” either.
Of course the situation where this criticism is most rife is within families,
toward spouses and children. Because we're so close to our family members,
seeing our traits in them is especially threatening. When our children do
something we recognize as especially reflective of ourselves, we almost fight
ourselves to make sure we don't see it. Thus, we're primed to become critical
when anything they do reminds us of it. We also fool ourselves sometimes
into thinking it's our job to mold them appropriately, so the trail's already
blazed.
With our spouses our criticism is most likely to rear it's head when we
think the family is going in the wrong direction. It can be something huge like
a financial worry, but more often it's something small like a parenting issue.
We act as though the other parent is too harsh when we feel really irritated
ourselves or we act like the other parent is too lenient when we've just recently
indulged too much. We can see something we've done, or something we do,
and then we actually look for it in the other so we can jump on it and prove
that it's not us.
Since we've all been criticized before, we know of its effects. It feels bad
and rarely has any redeeming effect. It is clear what makes us do it, but what
is less clear is how to stop it. You could agree with everything you've read
above and still not see how much this issue affects you personally. You could
see that you do this sometimes, but think of it as rare so that it requires no
effort to change, or you could try to confront yourself about it and have little
impact. The only way to really put a stop to this pattern is to look within
yourself every time you become critical and truly explore all your feelings and
thoughts the issue.
It could be “stupidity,” “laziness,” “fairness,” “being afraid,” “indulging,”
“not disciplining,” “being a downer,” “not being careful,” or “being greedy.”
Whatever it is, if you find yourself being unreasonably harsh about it, you need
to go back to your deepest feelings about that thing and really work on
accepting you. That is where the problem lies. You may know you're not
these things. It's easy to see that a particular trait doesn't fit you. But believe
me, if your behavior about that thing is out of bounds, the strength of your
feelings indicates it's your problem.
The antidote is to explore the bad feelings and beliefs about yourself
related to this area. Let yourself really feel the bad feelings and really try on
the bad beliefs. When you've really examined all the negative feelings and
beliefs you have about yourself in that area, then you are ready to go back to
thinking the positive feelings and beliefs about yourself that you have already
developed. You are able to know why you're not “lazy” or “stupid,” just like
you feel and think you've always known. Only now, if you take the exercise
seriously, you will see that you don't see the issues in others as much. You'll
see that you don't need to criticize people about that issue. Most importantly,
you'll find you feel free from the criticism you once heard or felt, and free
from your own criticism of yourself.