THE CRIPPLING EFFECTS
OF WORRY
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
We love our kids. We love our lives. Sometimes we are so
grateful for what we have, however, that we fear losing it more than
we allow ourselves to enjoy it. This fear of losing those things for
which we are grateful is called “worrying.” Although sometimes worry
can be helpful to us, for example when it allows us to act proactively in
preventing potential disasters, more often than not it gets in our way by
preoccupying us with possible loss when we could enjoy what we have
gained. When we worry about others, we cause an even bigger
problem since such worrying sends the message that we do not have
faith in those others to handle their lives responsibly and efficaciously.
Healthy “worry” is not really “worry” at all, but rather should be
called “concern.” Concern activates us toward taking sensible
precautions to ensure our future well-being. It is healthy to plan for the
future or to work toward goals. Some people are so good at managing
concern (taking precautions and working on goals) that things usually
do go their way. When we worry, however, we are more than
concerned. We are scared or sometimes even terrified. We are
thinking in drastic terms. Who of us has not, at times, thought things
had to go our way, or some particular way, or everything would be
ruined.
Excessive worry is typically related to past experiences of things
going really badly in situations for which we have taken an irrational
level of responsibility. If for example, when we were young, someone
close to us treated us badly or constantly criticized us, one typical
reaction would be to think we deserved what happened. If we
deserved what happened because we did something “wrong,” all we
would need to do to prevent future trauma would be to stop ourselves
from doing “wrong” things. From this view, it feels better to think we
are responsible for the bad things that happened than it is to realize
how often bad things happen for no particular reason or because
someone else had problems. That is, it feels better to think we had
some control over things than to feel like bad things happen to us in a
completely random fashion.
To the extent that these early experiences were traumatic, we
overemphasize the possibility of disaster in our current lives. We
become desperate to avoid disaster when really we only need to be
vigilant. If we think of ourselves as having done something wrong
when others treated us badly, then we need only do things “right” to
avoid such traumatic pain in the future. We must now work like crazy
to make everything work out “right.” The need to do things “right”
gets exaggerated and develops into a need to do things “perfectly.” If
we can be “perfect,” we will not be wrong, we will prevent every
possible problem, we will not be traumatized by others seeing us be
wrong, and we can prove ourselves worthy of love. If we are worthy
of love, we will not lose love or the affection of the ones we love.
Unfortunately, making everything work out “right” requires us to
maintain control over everything in our lives. Maintaining control
means working hard. Within reason there is nothing wrong with that.
But it also often means trying to make others do things our way.
When others clearly will not do things our way, or when we clearly
have no control over a particular situation in our lives, it seems there is
nothing left within our control but to worry. We worry about things
not working out because we think everything will go to pot, that we will
prove ourselves unworthy of love, lose those we do love, and perhaps
find ourselves to be worthless.
One of the worst outcomes in all of this is that we often will lose
those we love if we try to control them. Sometimes we worry about
the ones we love so much that they feel we do not have faith in their
independence and ability to take care of themselves. Very few people
(not healthy ones, anyway) want to have someone else constantly
telling them how to do things. We don’t want someone thinking they
always know the right way, which implies that our ways are wrong.
When someone treats us like we do not know anything or cannot do
anything right, we tend to shrink from contact with them because they
make us feel like we shrink in importance when we are around them.
Thus, when someone is trying to be “perfect” so that they will
prove themselves worthy and not lose love, they make themselves into
people who are very likely to lose love. In the attempt to prevent the
disaster that might befall our loved ones, it is all too easy to lose their
love because we do not communicate faith in their ability to succeed or
their ability to recover from failures. While it is healthy to try to teach
others from our experience, it is necessary to have compassion and
understanding for their points of view and what they already know.
Sometimes it is also necessary to let them do things their own way
because they cannot possibly learn without trying and failing.
Often, when someone worries and tells someone else how to do
things, it's as though they have taken that other person’s ability away.
It is difficult to compete with someone else’s way of doing something
at the same time we are trying to find our own way. Worrying can
create a vicious circle in which those we love stop trying their own
ways of doing things and thus never learn from experience and never
gain the confidence necessary to do things on their own. If their way
of doing things has to be better than ours lest they have to fear our
criticism, then they can never feel like their own way of doing things
will result in acceptable outcomes. Clearly, we can never hold
someone’s hand all the time, so it is essential that they have confidence
that doing things their own way will result in positive outcomes.
Worrying is unhealthy for us and it is unhealthy for those around
us. The antidote to worry is faith. We must have faith that things will
work out most of the time if we work toward our goals with a healthy
amount of concern. Equally important, we must try to have faith that
our loved ones have the strength, tenacity and foresight to succeed
most of the time, in their own way, and pick themselves up after their
failures. If we learn to balance our love and concern with faith that
things will work out okay, we maximize our chances for living full,
fulfilling lives, and for maintaining our connections with loved ones
who are thus free to live independent fulfilling lives of their own.