CONNECTION AND INDEPENDENCE
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
It is not just a matter of fairness. I hear that it is a lot. The man in
the couple says, “It really isn’t a problem for me when she goes out...
she should go out just as much as I do.” The woman says, “If he
loves me and wants to be with me, like I do him, he would not have to
go out so much.” Both parties are sure they are being completely fair.
They both assume they are being completely rational.
In fact, they are being fair and rational. Both members of this
couple expect only that the other live by his or her fair standards. The
man really means it when he says he wouldn’t be upset if she went
out. She really feels like she loves him to stay home so much that, if
he loved her back, then he would want to stay home, too. Where they
are failing in their “fairness” is in failing to understand the logic of
connection and the logic of independence.
Although the genders do not always go in the directions depicted
above (and the two sides will be presented here in a much more all or
nothing way than is really the case), it is very common for women to
emphasize connection while men emphasize independence. When they
are upset, women want to hash it out and work toward understanding.
When men are upset, they want to do something active to forget about
it. The man wants to show his love by being a good provider and
thinking about the physical needs of his loved ones. The woman
believes that love involves care for ones emotions as shown by
thoughtfulness, coziness, and depth of understanding. While a typical
man prides himself on knowing his own thinking, many women pride
themselves on intuiting what others are thinking. Plainly stated, men
emphasize and cultivate independence while demonstrating that they
care by taking care of business, and women develop and nurture
connectedness while demonstrating their care through paying close
attention to others’ needs and feelings.
One of the best examples of this dichotomy in thinking involves the
after hours pharmacy. The scenario goes like this: a parent discovers
that his or her child is out of a medicine without which he will become
extremely sick. Unfortunately, all the pharmacies are closed. In
picking from possible ways to deal with this sticky situation, men most
often allowed their child to become sick while reproaching themselves
for lacking forethought and emphasizing responsibility and the need to
obey laws. Women, alternately, indicated that they would break the
window of the pharmacy after exhausting all other lawful approaches.
Clearly the women felt that the well-being of the child was the most
important consideration. When men were asked about their thinking,
very few had even considered the option that included breaking the
pharmacy’s window. The women valued caring and connectedness
above all other issues, even considering a possibility that meant
breaking the law. Men, on the other hand, could not reach beyond their
well-honed sense of responsibility and lawful view to consider an
option that would require breaking the law.
Interestingly enough, although men value independence and
develop their relationships with responsibility, and women value
connectedness and develop their relationships through demonstrating
thoughtfulness, each often has problems in the opposite area of their
strength when they are dealing with those closest to them. Men often
become quite dependent upon their female counterparts for the only
thoughtfulness and love they know, while women are less likely to be
thoughtful toward their partners than they are toward their friends. It
turns out that practicing any one way of being in a way that is not
thoroughly balanced by the other, leads to opposite reactions with those
with whom we are most comfortable. When we are comfortable and
let our hair down, those things we value become less important than
our needs in the moment. So the woman actually needs independence
from her normally very thoughtful and connected ways and the man
needs some closeness to counteract the independence he values so
highly.
When couples talk about these issues, they rarely recognize how
often they behave as though they are really the opposite of how they
most often appear to be. But when a man is treated in an unthoughtful
way, he is every bit as hurt as a woman would be. And when a
woman isn’t allowed a certain amount of independence, she is just as
likely to feel controlled as any man might complain of his wife.
Likewise, women are often so torn by their connectedness to so many
people, that they simply cannot do for their husband like they do for
others. And men are likely so overwhelmed by taking responsibility at
times that they are likely to be the least responsible when with their
wife.
It is important to remember that neither view is a more correct
view. Both views serve a purpose, and both views are valid. In
couples we tend to balance one another. If both partners had the same
view, they’d likely make each other sick. Could you imagine two
members of a couple so concerned with connectedness that they rarely
do anything independently. They might stop functioning productively,
with both members spending their day accommodating the other
without regard to making a living or having any separate interests. On
the other hand, they could spend all their time in independent pursuits
and find themselves with no relationship at all.
The solution to this many-sided conundrum is much more simple
than it would appear. To be fair in a couple you need to extend
beyond your own point of view. Fairness needs to involve becoming
more like the other person and seeing things more from their point of
view. Each member of a couple has to put themselves in the others’
shoes. The man has to say to himself, “if I thought connectedness was
the most important thing, then I would think...” And the woman has to
say to herself, “if I thought independence was the most important
thing, then I would think...” If both members practice this kind of
empathy, many problems soon resolve themselves. The man starts to
see the pleasures of staying home. The woman starts to understand
the value of going out with her friends. The man thinks of being
thoughtful and understanding. The woman starts to see the value in
more independence.
Healthy love within any intimate relationship tends to involve
wanting what's best for ones partner, without losing sight of what's best
for oneself. Every relationship strikes a different balance somewhere
between independence and connection, but every relationship
absolutely requires them both. If you really think about it, connection
and independence actually define one another. And thus, without
either one, really there can be no relationship at all.