COMMUNICATION
FROM THE HEART
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Isn’t it strange that most people rarely say what is really on their
minds or act how they really feel? Even many of those who do practice
explaining exactly how they feel lose the 95% of communication that is
non-verbal because their non-verbal behavior doesn't adequately
correspond to the feelings they want to express. Everyone has a constant
stream of thought, and a large proportion of that thought is related to
possible behavior or things to say, much of which is thwarted, avoided or
controlled. Only by matching what we say to how we feel, however, with
behavior that reveals how we feel at least a little bit, is it possible to have
clear communication. Only by expressing ourselves with clear
communication that does match our behavior and our words to what we
feel, can we possibly hope that others will get the correct impression of
our intentions, our seriousness, or our true desires.
Unfortunately, much of the time it doesn’t even occur to us to act
how we feel, or to behave in a way that reveals what we really want. I
call communication that is void of feeling “dead communication.” Dead
communication is ineffective and cold and leaves its listeners numb. The
opposite of dead communication is “passionate communication.” Simply
put, “passionate communication” is communication from the heart. It is
communication that is not only assertive (that is, communication that
takes into account our needs, the needs of those with whom we wish to
communicate, and the context of the situation – please see article,
Assertiveness: The 30% Solution), but is also expressed with enough of
the emotion that's been evoked in us to be understood in the way we
really mean it. Because we often do not communicate from the heart, we
often do miss out on getting what we want. We also miss out on
developing satisfying relationships.
So what does it mean to express oneself passionately and with
emotion. There is certainly no benefit in aggressively berating everyone
with whom we disagree. And it would be equally unhelpful to have fits of
sobbing and wailing every time a thoughtless word is spoken. But when
we decide to say we’re hurt or angry, we can only be really heard if we
say it like we mean it. Just as a parent must use some commitment in
their voice when admonishing a child, other kinds of communication
require a commitment of emotion. We need to tap into, but not allow a
flood of, the emotion we are experiencing, and attach it to our words
when we communicate how we’re feeling. We need just a sprinkle, and
sometimes a spring, for adequate communication, but typically a deluge or
a thunderous waterfall merely leaves us all wet. We have to learn how to
draw on some of our emotions, and use them wisely, without losing all
control. We must be passionate about what we want and what we
deserve, without acting as though failing to get it will be disastrous or lead
to untold disaster.
Saying we're hurt by someone's actions is really the most difficult
thing to say with passion. Most people don't really ever want to say
they're hurt. It sounds too weak or pathetic, right? Perhaps it's
something about our culture. Weakness is considered so pathetic that we
hardly even have any words that mean “hurt.” Most of the words we
think might express that we're hurt by someone are much more like
insults. If we say we are embarrassed by something someone has done,
then we're really saying the other person is embarrassing. If we say we
are disappointed in someone, then we're really saying that they blew it in
some way. The comments most people make when they are hurt are
comments about what the other person has done. It is very rare that
people comment on their hurt experience when they're hurt. If someone
does want to comment on their feeling of being hurt, they will find very
few words in the English language that mean “hurt.” In fact, the only
word for “hurt” is, well, “hurt.”
The only other way to express hurt feelings without using the word
“hurt” is to describe the physiological response stirred up within us. For
example, we can say, “when x happened, I felt like my stomach was tied
in knots,” or “the pressure in my head made it feel like I might explode,”
or “it felt like my heart was literally breaking to pieces in my chest.” To
communicate with passion when we're hurt, we need the other person to
understand how their actions have truly impacted us. When we run out
of ways to say “hurt,” expressing the bodily response related to the hurt,
while letting ourselves look how we really feel, often gets the point across.
Although expressing hurt feelings is not easy or simple, doing so
effectively is one of the most valuable skills a person can develop because
it is so enormously beneficial in relationships. In almost any relationship
where two people care about one another, it is practically taboo or
forbidden to continue on in behaviors that are known to be hurtful to the
other. On the other hand, when we see that someone acts angry, we are
very unlikely to worry about controlling our anger or hurtful behavior
unless they scare us. And that is a big problem in relationships since most
people do act angry when they get hurt. Angry behavior causes
defensiveness, which is typically also angry. Because anger is a strong
emotion, there is no reason to believe that we've hurt someone when they
behave in an angry fashion. When we see anger, we don't take
responsibility for what we've done because we feel bad about what we've
done. The only reason to change our hurtful behavior when someone is
angry is because they have demonstrated that they are dominant. That is,
anger develops an escalation of negative behaviors in which there must be
a victor – a person whose retaliation is strongest and therefore must be
respected.
If our connection to another person is the most important aspect of
our relationship, however, then being scared of that other person merely
damages our connection. If a person acts hurt, on the other hand, and we
feel badly about what we've done because we don't want to hurt them,
then the connection between us is maintained and acknowledged as the
most important aspect of the relationship. The act of expressing hurt
develops a sense of responsibility between both members of a
relationship, and nurtures the connection between them, as each person
then responds by trying not to be hurtful. Angry responses may develop a
sense of responsibility in some very indirect ways, but only due to fear of
possible repercussions and not because of caring and connection.
With respect to anger or frustration, expressing those emotions with
passion is generally extremely easy, at least as far as words are
concerned. Our culture is apparently far more comfortable with the
strength of anger than the vulnerability of being hurt. There are so many
words that mean we're angry, it's almost ridiculous. We can be mad,
irritated, riled, aggravated, annoyed, offended, outraged, and the list goes
on. But expressing anger too passionately is a problem in and of itself.
Several other articles I have written specifically address how problematic
the expression of anger can be (for example, see The Power and Control
Addiction). Too much angry behavior will, of course, turn people off and
make them defensive. Angry responding rarely has a positive effect in the
long run even if it might get people to back off or give in within the
immediate moment. Anger can be extremely destructive when expressed
without enough self-control. There are times, nevertheless, when anger
needs to be expressed more passionately than it is.
When a person feels extremely uncomfortable with expressing anger
they often do so with very little passion at all. Although it is generally
more disturbing for others when someone has trouble controlling their
anger than when they have trouble expressing their hurts, there are many
individuals who, in spite of the many ways to say we're angry, need to be
much better at actually acting angry when that's how they feel. If a
person tries too hard to use just the right words to express their anger,
without acting angry, their communication will be unclear or “dead” to the
extreme. The most significant examples come from those individuals who
say they're angry when they feel angry, and they often use just the right
words to state how they feel, but they smile and look pleasant when
expressing that anger. If someone is angry, but is smiling and pleasant,
the person who would take them seriously is a very rare find. For those
who have a hard time expressing anger even when it's really necessary,
while it might be useful to choose the right words to explain their position,
it is absolutely 100% essential that they learn to act how they feel. If
anger is to be taken seriously, it must be expressed with conviction.
So, why don't people express themselves with passion? There are,
of course, many reasons, most of which are related to ones upbringing.
When we're growing up we learn how to say what is “appropriate” and
how to control our emotions. In essence we learn how to please Mom
and/or Dad. When we are children, saying things right or wrong feels like
it is directly connected to whether or not we will earn Mom's or Dad's
love. This is true even in the most unconditionally loving families. That
is to say, learning to hide our emotions to some extent is normal. From
our brothers, and sisters, and our peers at school, we also learn what is
“cool” and what will make others think we’re “losers.” To kids, and even
to some adults, there is nothing more painful than not fitting in. So,
clearly, we cover up what we really feel, need, and think, because we
want to fit in, and be loved.
Sometimes we don’t say what we really think or feel because to do
so really would be inappropriate, or maybe even cause problems for
which we're not prepared. Telling your boss or your neighbor your most
poignant vulnerable experiences, or telling your children about how your
spouse damaged your self-esteem, are clearly inappropriate revelations
that would lead to rejection on one hand, and increased family strife on
the other. How close or intimate we are with others, and what relation
they have to us in the bigger scheme of things, clearly limits what would
be wise to express. But no matter with whom we are speaking, if people
frequently seem to overlook us, there can be more expressiveness,
emotion, or passion in what we say.
When we’re disappointed or overwhelmed at work, our supervisors
and peers are more likely to recognize what we want if our behavior
reveals some of what we’re feeling. Our children are more likely to
understand our expectations when we act hurt, disappointed, or angered
by their behavior (but only a little, and, of course, with clear evidence that
we are able to handle our feelings). Even in the most mundane aspects of
social discourse, it’s beneficial to act like we feel. Our neighbors are more
likely to keep their dog off our lawn if we act like it bothers us, right?
Communicating with passion, saying what we want and acting like it,
allows us to have good “boundaries” and leads to clear understanding
between people. “Boundaries,” a concept that is rarely understood,
basically means allowing others to know what you will or won’t put up
with, and what you expect and would appreciate (see article,
Understanding Boundaries). Basically, it means letting people know who
you really are. When people can feel you through your passionate
expression of your desires and upsets, as well as interests and preferences,
then they are more likely to respect you. When people treat you with
respect (not awe or fear), it is generally because you have made yourself
clear through passionate communication. Passionate communication, that
is communication from the heart, helps you, and it helps those around
you, since we are all together negotiating our social terrain every day.
Communicating from the heart is an absolutely essential skill for living life
to the fullest. Only by learning to express yourself passionately is it
possible to take your rightful and respected place within your family, at
work, and in the greater community.