Borderline Personality
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Have you ever been in a chaotic relationship and had your friend say
“maybe s/he's a borderline!”? Unfortunately, topsy turvy beginnings are
very common in relationships. When people are trying to meet that special
someone, they often have all their feelings on the line. That level of
vulnerability can bring out both the best and the worst in people. Emotions
run hot in these circumstances... and sometimes frigidly cold. We want to
impress, but we don't want to seem desperate. We want to be attractive, but
not too sexy. Many people start to look for future potential long before they
even know the other person. And looking for such potential makes one
treacherously vulnerable indeed. Vulnerability involving intense or poignant
desires and fantasy about the future can lead to tension, conflict and
exaggerated behaviors, but elucidating the workings of the borderline
personality goes well beyond these often normal experiences.
Borderline personality has now commonly come to be the description given
for a person who is exceedingly unstable in relationships, seems to switch
from clingy to vindictive behavior with immoderate fluidity, and who, when
all else fails in recapturing the affections of their desired lover, foists
responsibility on their desired lover for their own instability (most notably by
becoming suicidal). Individuals with borderline personality become attached
to new lovers almost immediately as if they know them deeply and
intimately. Due to their perception of a deep relationship, the borderline
individual is then hyper-vigilant with respect to any slight indication that their
love for their desired partner is unrequited. Unrequited love, or any possible
indication thereof, will lead to “talionic” rage, or its opposite, increased
clinginess, or both, as the borderline attempts to bring their desired lover
back into the fantasy of true, deep, and magical love. The borderline
imagines this elaborate fantasy to be necessary for their very life sustenance.
To complicate matters, since their desired lover is typically quite aware that
the relationship is not yet deep, many of the desired lover's behaviors really
do indicate that the desired level of response is not to be evoked. In a way,
the fact that the desired lover does not act like they're all the way into the
fantasy world of the borderline is good, since a lot of very chaotic behavior
in the beginning of a relationship should result in its breakup. If the messy
relationship with the borderline is short-lived, it will cause only very
temporary, though sometimes quite significant, pain and suffering. It is the
endeavor at figuring out what's going on, or trying to be nice, or attempting
to somehow salve the problem so the relationship can continue, that really
causes more long term suffering for the desired lover. When the borderline
becomes angry, some people might be sorry, in spite of the fact that they
have done nothing wrong. When the borderline becomes too clingy, some
people will avoid a conflict with the borderline and then allow the borderline
to carry on in the fantasy that both parties desire everlasting togetherness,
instead of asking for some normal level of space. When borderline behavior
is accommodated, the borderline fantasy of perfect merger is allowed to
continue. Thus, the consequent reaction of the borderline that occurs when
independent action of the desired lover inevitably becomes necessary is only
delayed by such accommodation. The borderline's anger, or their need to
withdraw, or their even more desperate clinging is also likely to be even
more intense when accommodated since the borderline is allowed to become
even more intensely consumed by the merger fantasy.
It is the concept of independence, also known as individuation, and its
opposite, dependence, that is at the core of the borderline's difficulties. The
borderline has experienced an ongoing abandonment of their own
independence. As a child, the borderline experiences the feeling that they
should never become independent as a direct result of most of their
independent behavior being ignored, denied, or ridiculed. In contrast, the
healthy response of parental figures is to celebrate safe independence, and to
curb such independence only where it conflicts with the feelings of others, or
societal norms. In the case of the borderline, however, it is the family
situation or the needs of a parent that necessitate a denial of independence.
Sometimes the problem is merely significant family illness that makes a
parent unable to appropriately notice a child. More typically, however,
significant psychopathology in a parent makes it impossible for that parent
to tolerate any independent thinking or behavior of the child. Either way, the
normal independent strivings of the prospective borderline individual are
thwarted, leaving the borderline with a particular sensitivity to their own
needs and independent proclivities. In fact, because appropriate
independence is not allowed, and because any sign of normal independence
results in abandonment, the borderline behaves very much like they are
starved for affection to such an extent that they desperately cling. On the
other hand, while clinging, in answer to their feeling of starvation, the
borderline seemingly stuffs themselves with the other to the point that they
feel too much as though the other is undifferentiated from themselves, which
scares them to death.
Because they've been abandoned, the borderline desires closeness to the
point of merger with another, where it's normal to desire companionship.
On the other hand, merging threatens and distresses them and makes them
feel vulnerable to domination or control where, perhaps, its normal to feel
like one's going too fast in a relationship or maybe even simply wanting too
much. The desire for merger makes the borderline behave in a clingy
manner, but only till the desired lover appears to desire merger as well.
Once the desired lover seems to want to merge, the fear of domination or
control makes the borderline desperate for independence, even to the extent
that the aforementioned desired lover will be found to be despicable, weak,
or disgusting. Further efforts by the lover who had been desired that might
seem like a desire to merge (which could merely be an effort to please the
borderline, since the desired lover has no clue about this “merging”) or that
might seem like control (which could merely be trying to help the borderline
with advice or some kind of favor), can lead to extreme rage as the
borderline, who had once wanted merger, now appears desperate and
fiercely motivated to prove their separation.
Essentially, what develops from the desire to merge, countered by the fear of
such merger, is the borderline's need to be the one in control at all times. If
the borderline is sure that they determine just how close or distant they stay
within a relationship, they do not have to fear merger or abandonment
because the other person does not have the power to accomplish either state
with them. Unfortunately, being the one who is always in control precludes
the possibility of finding real love since the borderline desires love and
recognition of their true independence which has no worth if granted from
someone who has no control over giving such love. If I am starving but I
have food, I can tell you to give me my food, but I cannot feel like you are
truly the one who gave it because it was already mine. Thus the borderline's
controlling behavior also fails to give them any sense of sustenance even if it
keeps them from complete starvation. So, the borderline must be
vulnerable if there is to be any chance at recognition of their independence,
even while they must try to be in control, and that vulnerability leads to more
clinging, withdrawing, or rage.
It is interesting to note what is most likely to occur when the borderline
becomes a parent. Typically, a borderline adult gets exactly what they feel
they have always needed when they have a baby. That is, while it has
proven almost impossible to merge with another adult, while simultaneously
maintaining control over the relationship, with a baby that is exactly what the
borderline achieves. The situation is, at first, tantalizingly perfect. The
borderline wants perfect recognition of their own independence and that is
what they perceive within their merger with the infant. As long as they
respond to the child's biological needs in the first few months, the child is
very likely to seem to be giving perfect recognition of the borderline's
independence. To the borderline, the fact that they are now a parent, seems
like individuation. To the baby, the soothing the borderline can accomplish
makes them gaze contentedly into the glow of the borderline's eyes, thus
giving recognition of the borderline's independence.
Predictably, however, as soon as the baby has independent strivings, the
borderline parent experiences abandonment at the hands of their very own
child. Such abandonment or individuation is impossible for the borderline to
tolerate and thus they react to their own child with distaste, anger, ignoring
behavior, and they use any other means necessary to thwart their child's
strivings. The child learns that independence and individuation is horrifying
to the parent, on whom the child absolutely depends for everything. The
child then adapts to the parent's needs by maintaining some level of merger
with the parent, and denying their own need for recognition of their true
nature and/or independence. The behavior developed by the child is only
the behavior that is pleasing to the parent, and thus does not reflect what is
special in the child.
The cycle continues in this way. The child now desires true recognition of
their independent strivings which have been abandoned. They desire merger
and cling to others, but fear others taking over and controlling them, just as
their parent did. Sometimes they rely on rage to help prove their separation
from, and control over, others. They attempt to be in control over their
merging or withdrawing from others. They are left, in this way, unable to
maintain any real lasting relationships in which they are capable of getting
their true needs met. They constantly look for true recognition but cannot
achieve it because they are unable to tolerate the vulnerability of truly
acknowledging the extent to which they feel starved. When someone
appears to have enough control to bestow true recognition on this new
borderline, the borderline's reaction remains defensive withdrawal, clinging,
and rage, often with suicidality and clear blame toward the desired other, all
in the attempt to regain the sense that they are indeed the one in control of
the relationship.
It must also be mentioned that some of the characteristics of other
personality types are often taken on by the borderline to the extent that they
help in modulating the intense emotions involving individuation, merger, and
abandonment. Many borderlines take on narcissistic traits which help them
maintain distance from others, and thus a sense of control. It is also
extremely common for borderlines to behave much like histrionics since they
can use dramatic and flamboyant behavior to gain some sense of recognition
while also avoiding responsibility (responsibility leads back to a feeling of
worthlessness and abandonment when independent strivings are expressed
and the borderline feels that their independence makes them responsible for
the pain of those who would depend on them). Borderlines can also mimic
passive aggressive personality when they are of the type that mostly
withdraws to prevent merger, but then also become angry about being
withdrawn (and thus not getting any recognition of independence) and must
passive aggressively blame others for their position. It is important in looking
at any personality type to uncover the central issue. If the issue is
abandonment of independence, the person is suffering from borderline
tendencies, while issues of specialness and responsibility are central to the
histrionic and passive aggressive personalities, and issues related to
abandonment of ones vulnerability are central to the narcissist. In any case,
deciphering the central issue leads to the method at helping that particular
personality type, even if such methods might be quite difficult to employ or
manage.
The borderline individuals chance at recovery from their desolate and chaotic
state, unfortunately, only occurs in extraordinary circumstances. Recovery
requires frequent contact with a person who can simultaneously
demonstrate, with unwavering certainty, that they care very deeply for the
borderline and that they will not tolerate interference with their own
boundaries. Such a person must possess supreme confidence in their own
personality. They must be able to manage every kind of attack or
manipulation with kindness and understanding, and yet never give in. Giving
in to the borderline's merger fantasy, or accepting their withdrawal, rage, or
blame, results in the borderline believing they are in control. True
recognition of the borderline's independence cannot thus occur and the
borderline can never achieve a feeling that they are truly independent. In the
end, only the recognition of their true self, given from a truly independent
yet loving other, can permit the borderline to build within themselves the
confidence they need to truly be independent. In the end, only the
recognition that no one has control in relationships, and that everyone must
control themselves, a recognition that is made possible only by becoming
truly independent, can save the borderline from never-ending sorrow within
relationships, and can finally make the borderline feel whole by themselves
and capable of living full and integrated lives within relationships and among
others.