BE A MAN
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
“Be a man!” Now that’s a phrase that brings up all sorts of feelings.
Typically when it’s said, “be a man” is said as an insult. But what does it
really mean? Is a “real man” someone who is always strong - someone who
never wavers in his views or opinions? Is a “real man” a good provider - a
person who fiercely protects his family from danger? Is a “real man” tender
and forgiving - an emotional support for his family for whom he provides
strength and encouragement? What is a “real man?”
Perhaps by exploring the feelings conjured up by the statement, “be a
man,” some light can be shed upon the importance of understanding why the
statement is so much a part of our culture. It has many forms, such as “don’
t be a girl,” “you're gay,” “don't be a woose,” “don't get your panties in a
knot,” and there are many, many more. The statement likely has different
meanings, depending on who is making the statement to whom. It means
one thing if it is a guy’s buddies, challenging him to do something daring or
possibly ill-advised. “Be a man” means something quite different if it is said
by a father or a mother. Parents who say this sort of thing are often trying
to make a boy act more masculine or take more responsibility. However,
one commonality seems to exist no matter who is making the statement.
Whoever makes the statement, “be a man,” is uncomfortable with what the
target person is doing, and is attempting to get him to do something, or be a
certain way, that is not natural for him.
When it’s the buddies saying it, their probably suggesting that the guy is
a wimp if he doesn’t do the thing they're suggesting. Or maybe they're just
sick of hearing their buddy express feelings. It’s probably both. Guys like to
be entertained by their buddies doing foolish things that they can suggest
would make them tough or cool. Then when there's a mishap or a blunder,
it's a laugh riot for the rest of the guys. Boys also like to dare their pals to
do things that really would be impressive, but most of the time they're
expecting failure. No one wants to be shown up as less tough when they
dare their friend to take a risk.
Guys can also be tough on each other when it comes to feelings. Many
guys never express any feeling that could be considered even the slightest bit
vulnerable. Boys act like they can handle anything and nothing is a big
problem. For many boys the only emotion that is acceptable is anger. Any
other emotions make them feel vulnerable or soft, and that's an unacceptable
way to feel. So, if anyone has a sad thought, or a fear, or gets hurt in any
way, it is not too unusual for his buddies to act like he's weak. Essentially
then, when ones buddies say “be a man,” the statement suggests “do what I
say and shut up about it, so we can all be tough” or, “I don’t want to hear
about any problems because maybe I’m just as vulnerable as you.”
When it’s the parents saying “be a man,” it is likely most damaging.
Of course kids look to their parents for guidance. Kids are generally
desperate for their parents’ love. So when a parent makes any kind of sharp
comment, no matter what type, it is heard loud and clear by the child and
felt in his bones (even if he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it, which is even
more likely to happen if the comments are heard regularly). The comment
“be a man” actually suggests to the boy that he is acting like a girl or a
woman. For some reason, perhaps based on male dominance in our culture,
there is really no comment that could express more disgust and disrespect to
a boy. Really, for the boy who hears this comment from his parents, “be a
man” is about as close to total rejection as his parents could get.
Now why would a parent say such a thing? It is interesting to note that
we generally pay most attention to those aspects in others about which we
feel most uncomfortable or vulnerable. Within our children this
phenomenon is even more stark because we believe everything they do
reflects upon us. It is not only true about their masculinity. We also feel our
childrens' intelligence, quickness, respectfulness, and almost any other
category you might think of, are a direct reflection on our character. With
respect to manliness, our feelings can be especially sensitive. Many men feel
that their manhood is constantly being challenged, so they avoid any
behavior within themselves that could be even remotely associated with
femininity. When such a man sees his boy act in a way that makes him feel
vulnerable, weak, or feminine, he will often immediately criticize the boy to
stamp out those feelings within himself. He may act as if making sure that
the boy acts “like a man” will make it clear that he, as the father, is plenty
manly himself.
Mothers also have feelings of vulnerability that cause this cruel
behavior toward their boys. For mothers, however, the problem is more in
the arena of the criticism they fear for raising a feminine boy. Many women
are desperate to have their mothering be unassailable. Although it hurts any
mother to have her maternal instincts too closely examined, some mothers
cannot stand for there to be any possibility that they might be doing
something incorrect. That factor, combined with our society’s deep seated
fear of homosexuality, makes any seemingly feminine behavior in a woman’s
son dreadfully intolerable due to how that behavior would reflect on the
mother’s mothering. A boy's feminine behavior often makes a mother feel
guilty if she feels she has not allowed the boy to be independent. Similar to
the cruel behavior seen in the man with his son when he sees feminine
behavior that brings question to the man’s own manhood, the mother can
become cruel and question her boy’s manliness when her mothering is
brought into question.
Interestingly, in a way, these kinds of comments likely have the
opposite effect to what is intended by the friends or parents who say “be a
man.” If there is any one trait that could most fully be associated with being
“a man” it would be independence. In the traditional model for families,
grown women are often focused on caring for family, and adult men are
focused on making sure the family has what it needs. Making sure the
family has what it needs requires “a man” to go out and get what the family
needs without allowing for too much interference from the influence of
others. But these emasculating comments tell a boy to stop being
independent and do what the friends or parents seem to need. It may seem
strange to think possible, but when the boy actually gives in to “be a man”
type comments, he is becoming less of “a man.” Boys who give in to the
demands of their friends for fear of being “wimpy” typically behave in a way
that is irresponsible. But the fact that a consummate “man” is a responsible
man is unquestionable. Boys who fear their father’s masculine wrath will
often submerge that fear, and the weakness associated with that fear, and
turn it into criticism of other boys they deem to be “wimpy.” On the other
hand, when a boy doubts he can ever be masculine enough to please his
father, it is not too uncommon for him to reject the very manliness the father
is trying to foist upon him. If a boy is unable to identify with his father due
to the father's lack of acceptance, he might actually seem to take on more
feminine characteristics as he turns to his mother for identification. Boys
who find it impossible to differentiate themselves from their mothers due to
their mothers’ critiques, and a desire to chase her approval, either become
more feminine to identify with her and please her, or become angry at
women in general as the only way to finally differentiate as males.
No matter how one looks at it, the comment (or others like it) “be a
man” is harmful at best, and at worst has the opposite effect from what must
be intended by those who say it. Men are independent and responsible, and
have both assertive and nurturing tendencies. A balance of these attributes is
necessary in making the “real man.” Friends often simply want to have
some fun teasing or daring someone to do something foolish. They want to
accentuate their toughness and often try to do so by diminishing the
masculinity of others. Parents often want their boys to be especially
masculine for fear of what others will think of their parenting. Strangely,
criticizing a boy's masculinity can turn him toward more feminine interests if
he feels he can't fit in with the boys, or if he can't be like dad, or if he tries
especially hard to please a critical mom and thus tries to become like her.
One way or the other, comments like “be a man” clearly have little to do
with the person to whom they're said. Almost always, such comments
involve the inadequate and vulnerable feelings of the person who makes the
statement. Friends who are real friends, and parents who are capable of
staying focused on their love for their child, won't express their own
insecurities by humiliating and emasculating a friend or a son. What we
really want from our boys is that they be themselves and show that they can
be counted on. Since independence and responsibility are the real hallmarks
of manhood, real friends and good parents will encourage a boy to be who
he wants to be, and to be careful, they will not challenge him to “be a man.”