BALANCE AND THE
MOTIVATION TO CHANGE
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
Why do some people make necessary changes in their lives while
others seem unable? That question may not be quite as complicated as
it first seems. Of course everyone who decides to make a change does
so for different reasons, so it is complicated, but there is also one
commonality among efforts at change. Generally speaking, people
make the changes they make when their lives get out of balance.
So, what is balance, and what is change? First of all, it must be
said, not just any balance is necessarily healthy balance. In fact,
everyone’s life is in some kind of balance, but sometimes that balance
includes extreme behavior that is needed to counterbalance or
compensate for other feelings or for relationships that throw one off
balance. A person might work obsessively because he feels the need to
amass wealth which, in turn, makes him feel adequate where once he
felt inferior. Another person might work obsessively because she
cannot stand to be at home where her relationships are extremely
stressful and her time seems not her own. While one person might use
drugs to help her forget how badly she has treated her children, another
might use drugs to make her feel glamorous or confident. Clearly,
although balance is a part of all these examples, it is not necessarily
healthy.
Perhaps an easy definition of psychological balance would be any
set of circumstances and attitudes that make it possible to continue on
in life without making a psychological change. When an unhealthy
balance reaches a precarious state then, or when it causes some kind of
extreme emotional discomfort, either a person changes intentionally or
circumstances lead to changes independent of choice. In that way,
psychological “change” is defined, to a certain extent, by balance.
Psychological change occurs when things get out of psychological
balance because that balance must always be restored, healthy or not.
Real psychological change can involve leaving a particular situation
or doing things in a notably novel manner. For example, in a marriage
both partners get into certain patterns of their own to which the other
person responds in his or her own unique way. Sometimes one person
feels she has done all the accommodating while the other has always
had his way. Often relationships work very well when they appear to
be one-sided. The trick to understanding a relationship that works well
in such circumstances is in understanding that the accommodating
person actually balances herself through her accommodating behavior.
That sounds kind of strange, doesn't it? But it happens. The wife in
this couple might, for example, feel a need to be charitable to all others
due to guilt that she experiences when others give to her. It is possible
that she was taught as a child to refrain from asking for anything, or
she could have been given so much that she feels overly spoiled.
Unfortunately, there can be a problem when such complementary
behavior also leads to some kind of resentment that has no outlet. Our
hypothetical woman from the example above gives and gives, just as
she has always been taught to give, but something is amiss. Whereas
in her childhood there was possibly relief for not being ridiculed or
blamed, or perhaps praise for being so selfless, now as an adult this
altruistic trait has little utility within a relationship of equals. Perhaps it
even results in ridicule or blame, and praise or appreciation are rarely
offered. Thus, resentment builds. It builds and it builds, and the
resentment has no outlet, and BLAM, a sudden change is necessary to
alleviate long-lasting and long-developing difficulties. That change
could be therapy, either for the couple or for either of the individuals
involved, or alternatively, typical sudden changes include leaving,
divorcing, disappearing, etc... Any kind of change, even far less drastic
changes than these, leads to a new kind of balance for everyone
involved.
In such tough situations, it is unfortunately very common that
things come to a boiling point where the only solution appears to be
extricating oneself from the cauldron like relationship. Changing
patterns in relating, however, is far more possible than people often
think, can lead to changes in balance, and can allow for continuation of
healthier states of being. What has often not been tried is the heartfelt
expression of the feelings that led to current patterns. A man who
tends to hold back resentments while trying to accommodate to the
wishes of others, might start to tell those close to him what is going on
in his head. He might say, “You know I have a tendency to just do
what you want, but I wonder sometimes why we don’t do what I
want.” If he has had a tendency to leave out his wishes he will have to
add, “I know I rarely tell you what I want to do, but today I’d like
to...” Such statements have to include some way of taking
responsibility for ones own patterns or they will be perceived to be
blaming, and that will lead to defensiveness in the partner. As difficult
as it might seem to handle such personal communications adequately,
doing so with commitment can lead to an entirely new kind of balance
between people. In this way, an unbalanced situation is balanced in a
new way and can become more comfortable. Although such a change
requires great effort, it is typically well worth the trouble, especially in
situations where it is far preferable, or perhaps inescapable (such as
when children are the ones with whom communication is necessary), to
remain within the relationship.
There are many ways that people notice that they are out of
balance. In the situation discussed above, the resentment has most
likely built into depression or anxiety. However, in other situations,
people might notice that their life is out of balance because they lose, or
upset, those they love. They might notice they are out of balance
because it seems they run into conflict wherever they go. When long-
lasting interpersonal conflict is the primary problem, the person who
causes such conflict rarely sees what it is they do that causes the
problem. They typically feel that others don’t do things the “right
way” or that others are “too sensitive.” They typically think their anger
or bossiness is necessary. They often also think that people in this
world are either at the top or at the bottom, dominant or submissive,
exploiters or exploited. A person develops these traits from feeling
dominated or abused at some point in their lives, usually in childhood.
They reach a balance for feelings of vulnerability and hurt within
themselves by being dominant and in control. But when these
dominant types run into serious dissatisfaction in life - when they lose
some kind of emotional balance because they find an unmet need for
intimate involvement with those to whom they are supposed to be close
- they are sometimes ready to start getting close to those they love by
expressing their hurts and vulnerability without trying to dominate.
When they want to lash out, they might find the strength to see how
that lashing out is related to having been hurt in the past, or to their
current sensitivities. At that point they become ready to make
statements that draw their intimates closer rather than chasing them
away, and they also become more receptive to such statements from
those close to them. Such statements involve admitting and accepting
vulnerability and hurt, and hoping that more hurt won’t follow as it has
previously in their lives.
Balance is also involved in other kinds of motivation where change
can be even more difficult. Depression, anxiety and other mental
illnesses often indicate that things are not in a healthy balance, but they
also make motivation to change very difficult because the illness itself
is a way of balancing the afflicted person's inability to handle life's
circumstances as they are. That is, individuals with mental illness are
often striking a balance by remaining ill. When life seems
overwhelming, many kinds of mental illness help a person withdraw or
avoid what overwhelms them. The often intractable nature of these
illnesses is caused by a desire for things to be different, but an inability
to make them so because of the comfort found in the behaviors
engendered within the illness. Invariably, however, the change away
from such mental illness occurs when, for some reason, the pain and
suffering caused by the illness outweigh its benefits. At that point,
whether it is because family members become more concerned or
because the afflicted person makes themselves overcome some of their
symptoms and do what is necessary for recovery, a different balance is
accomplished through hard work, treatment, or simply because a
change becomes absolutely unavoidable.
The motivation we expect from our children also hinges upon
balance. People often wonder how they might be able to motivate their
children to perform better in academics, sports, or behavior. The fact
of the matter is that whatever your child is currently doing, including
whatever attitudes towards school, extra-curricular activities, or
behavior they might currently express or exhibit, is an expression of
their unique way of balancing. They might not feel much need to
accomplish goals because things are made too easy for them or,
alternatively, because they resent the pressure they perceive on them.
Either way, it's likely that unmotivated children see these goals we
adults perceive as so ultimately important as though they are parental
goals which hold little value for themselves. It can be very tricky to
help children see how our ultimate goal is for their future happiness. If
we push too hard, their behavior becomes a balance against our
pressure, and goals for their future happiness are rendered moot. If we
give them too much, including excessive praise not tied to adequate
striving, their lack of industry may well indicate little concern for the
future since there appears to be little doubt that the future will work out
just fine regardless of effort. Motivation in children is often very
difficult to effectuate because we are, in fact, so interested in their
success and do so desperately desire to care for their self-esteem.
Although clearly there are many important parameters within which to
guide our kids' activities and attitudes, helping them find their own
balance, one not too explicitly derived to fit with our expectations, is
typically key in making that balance one that includes adequate
motivation. Children are often interested in pleasing us, or
demonstrating their skills to others. They often want to succeed for the
sake of success itself. There is no bad reason for being motivated.
However, those who will strike the healthiest balance in their struggle
to achieve will typically be those who truly follow their own fascination
and desire, and accomplish goals based on their very own singular and
individualistic thirst and hunger for personal growth.
Balance is truly at the center of change and motivation. It is
important to notice that people are always in some kind of balance,
either healthy or not. When you are feeling like you’re unhappy, and
you keep wondering why you can’t seem to make the kind of change
that seems necessary to give yourself a more satisfying life, try to
become more conscious of the things you’re telling yourself. The way
you talk to yourself reveals the way you are accomplishing your
current level of balance. “I can’t do that because it will hurt the kids”;
“What will people think?”; “I’m just not strong enough to do it”; or
“my kids are just so lazy?” These are some of the many examples of
why people don’t make changes. Everything you say to yourself is a
kind of balancing statement that aims to make staying the same a viable
option. If, as in the statement above, you have a desire not to hurt the
kids, maybe it is well-founded in your knowledge of how much they
need you around, or maybe you’re really thinking about how much you
need to be around them. If, as in the statement above, you need others
to “think” certain things about you, maybe that’s another way that you
balance your self-esteem. As in the statement above pertaining to
“strength,” it is possible that you really aren’t “strong enough,” which
would have to mean that you are getting something from the situation
in its current state that makes you feel more safe or secure than what
would happen if you changed things. If you're concerned about your
kids' motivation, as the “laziness” statement above would suggest,
maybe you're giving them too much or pushing them too hard, or
maybe you haven't been focusing adequately on their unique sets of
talent. These thoughts that help you not change are not necessarily
incorrect, but if you become more conscious of the balancing aspect of
these thoughts, it’s also possible that you will become more content
with your current situation.
You could easily change these statements to bolster your
happiness and accept your current balance. You could think “my life is
good with my kids just the way it is”; “people can think what they like,
it doesn't have to effect me”; “I like how things are taken care of this
way; I'm better off not rocking the boat”; or “I love to take care of my
kids – I know this way they'll always need me.” The fact is, in most
cases if you don't change how you do things, you are making a choice
not to change. Satisfactory to you or not, if you're not willing to make
a change, then your balance is most likely, at least for the time being,
good enough for you. Not making a change usually means your
current balance is not quite uncomfortable enough to warrant the effort
a change will require.
However, if things are not to your liking and are truly out of
balance, if you're feeling a lot of pain, and everyday you feel yourself
miserable with regret as one more day passes in inaction, please accept
your power to change. If you're truly out of balance, you'll be truly
motivated. With the proper motivation, there are few changes you
can't make. Often the effort is smaller than you think, and involves
merely a change in the way you communicate with those you love.
With enough motivation, even big changes are often much more
possible than you could have ever imagined. If you or your family is
truly out of balance, you can make a change. If you do make a change
because you're out of balance, perhaps lacking balance can sometimes
be a good thing. It is in the lack of balance that we find the motivation
to accomplish all things. It is in the lack of balance that we find the
motivation to change.