ASSERTIVENESS:
THE THIRTY PERCENT SOLUTION
by Dr. Daniel A. Bochner
The concept of assertiveness is not well understood. Most people
know what it is by knowing what it's not. That is, to most people it
means not being aggressive and not being passive. Of course, everyone
also knows it is supposed to be a good thing. But what really constitutes
an assertive response and why is it so important?
To be assertive is to be aware of, and communicate, your true
wishes, desires, disappointments, and frustrations, while weighing the
impact of those feelings on the others around you. There are two main
ways that people fail to be assertive. First, some people simply do not let
others know what they want or what upsets them because they are afraid
of what others might think. Such a person is known as “passive.”
Second, some people just seem to take whatever they want, and get mad
whenever they don’t get what they want, while giving no thought to the
effect their actions have on others. This person is known as
“aggressive.” Both of these styles lead to significant unhappiness. The
passive person feels others take advantage of them, and often experiences
life in general as being unfair. The aggressive person, on the other hand,
never develops any genuine closeness with others, and experiences life as
good only to the extent that one is able to take from life what one wants.
Life seems like an uphill battle, a constant struggle, to the passive
person. He is constantly doing favors, trying his hardest, hiding his anger
or sadness, and attempting to be the “best” person he can be. But when
most people around him don’t understand how he feels, or when they
think his feelings can wait based on how he’s acting, then these others
assume that their feelings can take priority. If he says what he thinks and
feels, on the other hand, others around passive person will learn that
certain things upset him or make him happy, and that he will take care of
himself in making sure he gets what he needs.
To the aggressive person, the current moment seems pretty darned
good. To most of us she looks like she’s getting everything. And, in fact,
she will likely lead a very “successful” life to the extent that she's able to
get what she wants. Unfortunately, she will rarely feel much better about
her life than the passive person. That’s because life is about loving and
being loved, not power and acquisitions. Power and acquisitions are only
very inadequate replacements for love that people learn to acquire when
their efforts at love have been thwarted. So, the more aggressive and
irritable person, who seems to get what she wants, typically has very poor
relations with her spouse, siblings, and children. In fact, in the end, the
aggressive person often seems much worse off than the passive person.
When the material things are gone, no one really wants to stick around.
The solution to either being too passive or too aggressive is
assertiveness. In fact, I call assertiveness the “30% solution.” I often
notice that my clients, many of whom are suffering from depression or
anxiety, only get what they truly want about 5% of the time. THAT IS
UPSETTING! As discussed above, the passive person rarely gets what
he wants because no one even knows that he needs anything. Why
would they put off their own needs to accommodate the passive person if
they don't even know he wants something. Alternately, the aggressive
person seems to get everything she wants in the moment, but her constant
chase for winning what she wants occurs because her life seems empty –
she is trying to fill herself up before she might experience even an
infinitesimal amount of that looming emptiness. Either way, when people
make a point of stating their needs, wants, desires, and frustrations in a
way that takes the needs of others into account, they can expect to
actually get what they need or want about 30% of the time.
It may not seem like it, but getting what you need and want about
30% of the time will make you extremely happy and content. Since each
of us is merely an individual amongst millions of others, it should be no
surprise that we don’t get what we want approximately 70% of the time
even when we're assertive. But compare 30% to the 5% level attained by
the passive person. The generally happy and content person gets what he
wants six times as much as the passive person. It is very important to
understand that the goal of 30% also helps a person even if she thinks she
gets what she wants almost 100% of the time. The aggressive person
may think that she is getting what she wants, but the very fact that she is
getting what she wants so much of the time actually precludes the
possibility of achieving closeness with others. If those around you never
get what they want, they certainly are not going to develop a positive
relationship with you. Besides, it’s not possible to have loving
relationships with others who are not our equals, at least as far as respect
and equality as human beings is concerned. We can only love someone if
we know who they are, and we can only know who they are if they
somehow reveal their preferences and desires.
If you are a person who seems to fit in one of the two major
categories above, even if only a little bit, start being more assertive today!
Half the trick is knowing what you want. The other half is knowing what
is influencing others. It just so happens that passive individuals are very
good at gauging the emotions and pressures on other people, while
aggressive people are generally pretty good at knowing what they,
themselves want (at least in the immediate moment). The trick is merely
becoming more aware of the half you have not developed, and then
making sure that that awareness is clearly shown when you communicate
with others. That is, if you don't express your needs, you will not get
what you want. If you don't take others feelings and the context of a
situation into account, you may get what you want, but your inability to
recognize the needs of others will undoubtedly result in loneliness.
Really, it all comes down to realizing the we live in a world of
choices and responsibility. If you look at life accurately you will start to
see that absolutely everything you do is a choice. You must also
recognize, however, that everyone else has a choice as well. Perhaps
sometimes we make our choices based on the perceived consequence of
making a different choice, and perhaps that makes us feel like we don't
have choices. However, you are the one who decides what you do, and
the others around you decide what they do, too. Knowing you and
everyone else are making choices makes you a responsible person. If it is
your choice to do what you do, you cannot blame someone else for what
you do. At the same time, if you clearly communicate to others that you
understand that they can make choices too, then simultaneously to
expressing your desires, you are being responsible for your part in the
relationship between you.
Assertiveness is merely a way to clearly communicate our awareness
of the fact that we live in a world of choices and responsibility.
Assertiveness includes making a statement of our own desire or wish
(what we would like to do), coupled with a recognition of the other
person's likely desire in the same situation (the other person's likely
choice) along with a recognition of the context of the situation (the existing
possibilities). When we successfully communicate in an assertive way,
we often get what we want while simultaneously demonstrating how
much we care. Most of the time, in fact, assertive communication is
appreciated by those around you who want to know your wishes so they
can make choices for what they want without feeling like you weren't
taken into account. In many circumstances there is tremendous overlap
between what people want, which means assertive communication can
lead to both people getting what they want at the same time. Maybe then,
assertiveness helps mix an even higher octane solution for mutual
satisfaction, maybe even a 40% or 50% solution.
So, if you're ready for better, more responsible communication, with
a much better chance of getting what you want while simultaneously
maintaining positive, caring relationships, then think of assertiveness as a
simple equation. It works like this: Assertiveness (A) = (Y) knowing and
confidently stating what You need and Want + (O) knowing and saying
what Others need and want + (U) knowing and stating your
Understanding of the context of the issue over time. That is, A =
Y+O+U. With that equation you can put yourself on the road to
happiness in relationships with others and get what you want out of life.
So use the equation well and consistently... and good luck in your pursuit
of the 30% solution.