ADAPTATION VS. ADAPTATION
by Dr. Dan Bochner
We have adapted to our experiences in the past. So how do we move
into the future without our pasts having a negative effect? The primary
purpose of in-depth psychotherapy is to discover how our perspectives on
what is happening in our world, that is the particular adaptation we have
forged within our personalities, is limiting our ability to adapt to the world as
it really is in the present. We see the world as we do because our
experiences have shaped how we see the world. But now our world has
changed and we’re stuck with the personality that was specifically designed
to handle those old experiences.
The funny thing is, we all think we see the world accurately. If that
were true, however, there would be no explanation for the repetitive nature
of our interpersonal troubles? We could think that our circumstances are
just really bad or, when a relationship is involved, that it’s the other person’
s fault. If the problem is recurring, though, it seems extremely unlikely that
the problem is caused by circumstances. Right? Why would we be getting
ourselves in to the same circumstances repeatedly, or why would we keep
being around the same kind of people over and over if we can’t get along
with them? The fact is, each of us sees the world in the way that most
makes sense to us given what we have experienced. We have adapted our
views of the world to what has happened in the past. But the world is not
really as we see it. The trick to success in psychotherapy, or the trick to
getting passed our pasts, is to recognize how our adaptations have worked
for us, but are now working against us. When we recognize what the
usefulness of our view was, then we can see how it’s no longer useful and
how it’s getting us into trouble. We can also recognize that, in contrast to
the limited view we had previously held, the world is actually filled with
endless possibilities. When we recognize that truth, we can begin our
journey to a whole new, and healthy, adaptation to the world as it is for us
now.
Before going any further in this discussion it is important to note that
circumstances do cause significant difficulty in people’s lives. Posttraumatic
Stress Disorder, for example, occurs after a specific and harrowing trauma.
Likewise, significant anxiety can grow out of less specific traumas that occur
over time and depression can occur because of either significant losses over
time or a specific significant loss. Present day circumstances are clearly a
significant cause of psychological problems. It’s also important to note that
genetics plays a big part in many disorders such as bipolar disorder,
schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder or other diagnoses.
Interestingly, however, ones past experiences, especially those from
childhood, do play a part in each of these psychological maladies as well.
Stable experiences in ones past and childhood help one overcome current
stressors and can even mitigate a significant genetic predisposition for a
particular psychological problem. It is important to note that ones childhood
experiences have an impact on current psychological suffering regardless of
what kind of suffering that is. For the sake of simplification, however, the
remainder of this article will preclude genetics and major traumatic
experiences or losses as causal factors.
So what is the first stage in understanding our childhood adaptation?
Once one recognizes that their view of the world is an adaptation, it’s
essential to recognize that it was really the most sensible way for them to be,
or to act, or to respond, given their circumstances at that time. That’s right -
the way we have adapted is actually an excellent adaptation. As strange as it
might sound, when we look at the circumstances in our childhoods, including
the economic situation, stresses on the family, the various personalities
within our families, plus our own genetic temperament as well as many other
factors, the particular way we fit into those circumstances can be understood
as a great way of fitting in. Our natural tendency as children is to fit into
whatever grouping of circumstances we’re dealt in such a way as to
maximize the amount of love, attention, food, and safety that are available to
us. If we have a sibling that takes up a certain role, or who has a particular
kind of relationship with one of our parents, we can either compete for that
same area and win, or we choose a different path. We are likely to look to
the other parent for our love and affection and, perhaps, develop a different
role within the family. The world at large, however, is not our family.
The world, as suggested earlier, has endless possibilities. In order to
observe and make use of those endless possibilities, however, we have to get
passed our pasts. How we do that is indeed very complicated. At first a
person must recognize how their past influenced them and then they must
allow themselves to see things anew. Because they believe their view to be
correct, even this first stage can be extremely problematic. A person
believes their incorrect view is true even of their therapists, not to mention
every person with whom they work, and all their friends. They are likely
right about their view in perceiving their own families. With many others in
their lives, especially their therapist, they must now see that what they
perceive is wrong. Then they must generalize how they have been wrong to
many other potential relationships. Once a person does realize, however,
that maybe their experiences within their families and in the past have had an
influence that leads them to incorrect and very problematic views about the
world and in relationships, new problems then arise.
If a person realizes they’re seeing things wrong, often the first thing
they feel is guilt or shame about how they have acted or how they have felt
in their relationships up till now. That feeling of guilt or shame can be a
good sign in that it means one is a feeling and caring human being. But guilt
and shame have a way of making us want to hide in one way or another.
Sometimes we deny the problem and latch onto our old ways of thinking.
Sometimes we continue to blame others in order to reinforce our old way of
seeing things. Sometimes we try to deny how we’ve been seeing the world
and how we’ve been acting, while changing ourselves in a wholesale, but
false, way so that no one will identify us as being the way we were. That is,
some people become quite good at acting differently even though they
continue to feel about the world in the same way they always have (which
means really they are seeing the world the same way but are simply
controlling their behavior so that it won’t seem like they’re still the same).
It is absolutely essential to true change into the future, however, that we
come to understand why we were the way we were in the past.
Once people understand that they have been seeing things in a distorted
fashion, they generally have a need to forgive themselves for that distortion.
Forgiving oneself is a healthy process in and of itself since each of us must
be good to ourselves. If that understanding and forgiveness are skipped
over, then new behavior, even if it is learned well and is very effective, feels
false and is bereft of true satisfaction. In order to forgive and understand
oneself, people must come to recognize that all human beings do develop
their personalities at young ages as an adaptation to their particular
environments. It is not really our fault that we have developed as we have.
It just happened. In a way, even our parents cannot be blamed (unless they
were abusive in some way) since parents are typically doing their best when
they screw up (I hope my children understand this when they get older - we
all screw up when it comes to parenting).
It is our fault, however, if we continually fall into the same problematic
patterns and do nothing to change those patterns. Once we recognize,
understand, and truly forgive ourselves for how we’ve been, there is good
news. At this point we must, of necessity, develop a new adaptation to the
world of endless possibilities. Our new understanding of what has happened
to us in the past, and our ability to forgive ourselves, actually precludes the
old type of thinking. We cannot even think, for example, of picking a mate
who is always angry as our father had been, and then try to please him/her.
We immediately recognize the anger as unhealthy for us and it is ugly to us.
Trying to please someone also feels alien as we have become much more
comfortable with pleasing ourselves. Mates that seem to have potential are
those who we can envision loving us as they expect to be loved. A good
potential mate seems to be a person who can be pleased, for example, at the
same time that we are pleased.
Our forgiveness and understanding for ourselves actually makes it
possible to see the world as it is. We have no desire to be with those who do
not treat us as we know we deserve to be treated. We also have no desire to
be with people who would allow us to treat them in any way that is worse
than they deserve. At the same time, even though we understand that there
are people who fit us well, we also recognize that there are people who are
extremely unhealthy and we don’t expect of ourselves that we get along with
everyone. The process of adapting to the world of endless possibilities
brings us a new confidence within ourselves. We feel we know ourselves
and we feel comfortable with ourselves. Amazingly enough, this new feeling
of comfort also makes others comfortable around us. We become able to
react in an authentic and spontaneous fashion in many more circumstances
than ever before.
This is the path to mental health. We start with a perspective that is
incorrect and gets us into trouble. We recognize how that particular
adaptation developed and how it made sense given our childhood
circumstances. We recognize that as human beings we are imperfect and we
forgive ourselves for being less than perfect. As we get more and more
familiar with how we viewed things and why we viewed things that way, and
continue to understand and forgive ourselves for how we misperceive, the
old ways of thinking become less and less possible. Those old feelings
become increasingly alien to us. And finally we become who we were truly
meant to be. We are confident in our integrity and able to be authentic and
spontaneous. As we simultaneously treat ourselves well and find ourselves
acting unselfishly, we begin to recognize how well our world seems to fit
together. We begin to recognize that our own mental health can potentially
fit within a world of simultaneous health for everyone. Although that world
does not exist at present, we see that the world is, indeed, a world of endless
possibilities.